­­­­­­ Chapter 35

"Roy, hold on a minute."

Roy turned to see Dixie walking down the hall toward where he and Jennifer had just gotten off the elevator. The nurse held some papers in her hand that the captain assumed were after care instructions for Johnny. Roy had already talked to Brackett Monday after his brief visit with the injured paramedic chief; a visit that hadn't been very easy or comforting for either man.

Roy wished Joanne had been able to find it in herself to come with him that day. Maybe Johnny might have felt a little less guilty about everything if both DeSotos had shown their friend that they weren't holding him to blame for what happened to John. Maybe Roy would have been a little less ill at ease if he didn't feel somehow like he was going behind his wife's back. Even though she knew he was making the stop at Rampart; even though he'd asked her more than once if she wanted to accompany him; he still felt like he was doing something she didn't approve of.

But whether it was because Joanne was so conspicuously absent, or because John's disappearance loomed so large between them anyway, or merely because Johnny hardly uttered more than a few words the entire time he was there, Roy found himself stumbling for things to say.

He already knew from talking to Dr. Brackett that Johnny still hadn't remembered anything that happened after their Monday evening campfire. The interview on Sunday with Sergeant Preston hadn't accomplished much besides leaving Johnny even more depressed about his lack of memory. Because of the that, and because he knew Johnny felt bad enough that he couldn't shed any light on John's whereabouts, Roy had shied away from that topic.

Sticking to casual subjects, however, left the conversation feeling stilted. Even the offer he made for Johnny to come stay at their house while he recuperated seemed forced to Roy's own ears, although Johnny had finally looked up then and met his eyes, talking with more animation than he had the entire visit.

"You sure you wanna do that?"

"Of course I'm sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well... I just..." Johnny's usual talkative nature seemed to have deserted him. "I just... I'm sure you guys have other stuff going on and... well, you don't need to be worrying about me right now."

"There's not much else going on at all," Roy had admitted with more despair than he meant to show. He tried to lighten his tone. The last thing Johnny needed was to find out just how out of sync their family was functioning at the moment.

Joanne had all but ceased to run the house; something which she normally did with great enthusiasm and efficiency. Roy had always been grateful that his wife never considered herself, "just a housewife." Rather, she had taken on her role as mother and homemaker with loving pride. Now though, she couldn't seem to raise herself out of her sorrow for John to take an interest in much of anything that went on around her. She sat in John's room, lost in her own grief, and the rest of the family did their best to take up the slack and not upset her.

Eileen helped when she was here. Chris had done the grocery shopping on several occasions, and Jennifer did her best to keep up with the laundry and the dishes. The neighbors were even pitching in. It wasn't unusual for Roy to come home and find a casserole in the fridge or a cake on the table that someone had dropped off. The lawn had been mowed at least twice that Roy knew of. Once by Chet Kelly, who just brushed aside Roy's thanks and left without even a soft drink or a glass of water. The other time it was done before Roy had come home, and no one seemed to be able to tell him who'd done it. He appreciated everyone's efforts, especially Chris and Jennifer, who he knew were struggling just as much with their own feelings about their little brother's fate as Roy and Joanne were, but were carrying on with a strength that made Roy proud. He just wished Joanne was in a state of mind to see it and acknowledge it.

Roy knew Johnny would realize soon enough how things were once he was in their home, but for now Roy didn't want to make him any more uncomfortable than he already was about the situation.

"What I mean is," he’d tried to explain, "we're just doing our normal, every day stuff. The police are doing all the work and they call us with updates. But we don't have much to do with it really." He made a valiant effort to keep the discouragement out of his voice. He knew he hadn't succeeded very well.

There had been a long moment of heavy silence, and Roy silently berated himself for even bringing up the subject of the thus far fruitless search for his son. It was obviously painful for Johnny to talk about; just as it was agonizing for Joanne. Roy had made a conscious effort not to discuss their son around his wife, trying not to cause her any extra grief. He would have to be sure and do that with Johnny as well.

"What I mean, Johnny, is that you won't be any extra trouble. In fact, it might be a good thing for you to be there.... give Joanne some company while the kids are out and I'm at work."

Johnny had given him an odd look then that Roy wasn't sure he understood, but he didn't say anything else. He merely sank back against his pillows and sighed heavily. Roy chalked it up to the prospect of being immobile for a while, and that being in need of help from his friends wasn't easy for someone like Johnny to accept readily. Plus being away from his own home wasn't helping Johnny's mood either, even though Roy had assured his friend that between Chris and Johnny's neighbor Bob Emery, the animals were being well taken care of.

"Besides," he went on, hoping to cheer his friend up at least a little, "Brackett says it won't be that long until your arm is strong enough to handle the crutches. You'll be up outta the chair before you know it."

Johnny had merely nodded and offered a low-toned, "I'm sure you're right."

Roy had tried to make conversation for a few more minutes, but without much input from Johnny, he felt pretty stupid. He finally left with a promise to be back tomorrow. It was a promise he hadn't kept, but somehow he knew Johnny hadn't been expecting him to.

It wasn't as if he didn't want to see his friend. But Roy felt pulled in a lot of different directions and there was no way he could be everywhere for everyone, as much as he was trying to.

He felt like his family was barely holding it together. The search for John had yet to turn up anything solid. The authorities were still combing the desert around Nipton, as well as the cities along I-15 all the way into San Bernardino. The two boys who had attacked Johnny and stolen the Rover had been arraigned, but were sticking to their story that they'd never seen a little boy, and Roy was starting to believe they hadn't. It didn't make sense to him that two nineteen year olds would keep lying to the police when he knew they'd been offered reduced sentences if they could help locate John.

In light of the lack of results, Roy also knew that the amount of manpower being utilized in the search had diminished. Detective Salazar had called him a few nights ago and they had a long talk about the case. The officer sounded sincerely sorry as he explained they didn't have the resources to keep up an exhaustive search. They weren't ready to call it off yet, but the number of men involved would soon be greatly reduced.

Roy hadn't told Joanne yet. He didn't have the heart to. It was all he could do to think of his missing son lost in the desert, waiting for someone to find him, without losing the small amount of control he was using to keep himself going. Joanne would never be able to handle it. She had already pulled away from them; so wrapped up in her grief for her baby boy that she had forgotten she had two other children who needed her, even though it had been a long time since they were five years old.

Like just about everything in his life right now, Roy wasn't completely certain having Johnny around would help Joanne; if seeing her long time friend in need might be the impetus she required to start dealing with the people around her again. Under normal circumstances, Joanne would be bending over backward to make sure Johnny was welcomed into their home for as long as he needed to be. But as Roy reached for the papers Dixie handed him, he reminded himself that these were far from normal circumstances. And Joanne wasn't the only one not in her usual frame of mind.

"He's not going to want to follow these instructions," Dixie warned. "So you're going to have your hands full... but you know that, don't you?" she chuckled lightly.

Roy grinned ruefully. "Yeah, I guess better than anybody."

"Don't worry, Miss McCall," Jennifer assured the head nurse fervently. "We'll make Uncle Johnny behave."

Dixie gave Jennifer a warm smile. "I'm sure you will, Jen. If he'll listen to anybody, it'll be you."

Roy knew his daughter well enough to read the "that's the way it should be" expression on her face, and he smiled too as they headed down the hall toward Johnny's room. But Roy also knew Dixie's words had only been partly teasing. Johnny did not like being a patient, nor did he like being confined or unable to do for himself. Though his knee hadn't sustained a true fracture, the blow from the tire iron had severely bruised the lower portion of Johnny's patella, as well as the upper area of his tibia. The tiny micro fractures would take some time before they were mended enough to bear much weight, and even then Johnny would be in for some physical therapy before he could consider his leg completely healed.

The weeks to come were not going to be easy for him. It would be better once he was able to use crutches, but for now he would be stuck in the wheelchair. Roy knew the biggest problem they would be up against would be keeping Johnny in the chair and from trying to use crutches before his injured arm was ready.

"Here we are," Dixie announced brightly as the reached the open door to Johnny's room. Roy knew her words were meant more to let Johnny know they were here, than to announce to them that they'd arrived at the right room.

As they entered, the first thing Roy heard was Jennifer's small intake of breath. To Roy, Johnny looked much improved from his initial battered appearance. His sunburn had nearly faded, and though parts of the paramedic chief's face and neck were scabbed and peeling, Johnny had lost the painful looking redness in his skin. Most of the bruises he'd sustained were on his back and shoulders and weren't visible under his clothes, though there was still some faint purple and green mottling on his upper arms that disappeared into his shirt sleeves. All things considered, Johnny looked pretty good to Roy. But Jennifer hadn't laid eyes on the man since the morning they'd broken camp, and to see him like this, sitting in the wheelchair, his leg propped up and his arm in a cast would have to be an unnerving sight for the fifteen year old.

"Oh, Uncle Johnny," she cried softly and rushed to his side, bending down to throw her arms around him.

Roy opened his mouth to remind her to go gently, but Jennifer remembered on her own, and at the last moment, made sure her hug was easy.

"It's so good to see you," she murmured, her voice muffled in the paramedic chief's neck.

Johnny's arms came up around her back as he returned her greeting. "Hey, Jenny Bean. How's my girl?" His voice was subdued, though Roy could tell he was glad to see her.

"I'm okay." Jennifer straightened up and pulled away a bit, though she kept one hand on his arm. She tucked a stray strand of blonde hair behind her ear. "Just kinda hanging in there, ya’ know?"

The corner of Johnny's mouth quirked slightly, but his eyes held none of their usual merriment. He reached over and patted Jenny's hand. "I know, kiddo. Me too."

He glanced up and caught sight of Roy and lost even that slight smile. His "Hey, Roy," carried with it a note of self-consciousness that the fire captain honestly regretted, but had no idea how to change. Their friendship had been through many things over the years. They'd laughed together, gotten into arguments, been truly pissed off at each other a time or two. They'd even gotten drunk together once or twice after a particularly bad run. They'd been there for each other during sickness and injury, during good times and bad. But in all that, Roy could never recall a time when they'd been uneasy in each other's company.

"You're looking pretty good," Roy observed as he walked over to stand on Johnny's other side. He had decided to just go along with the plan. There would be time to sort out everyone's feelings later, after they were home. Roy didn't think it was a good idea to get into anything while they were still here at Rampart. It was only then that he realized Johnny was wearing different clothes than the ones he had on when he was attacked, and that there was a travel bag hanging from the back of his wheelchair.

"Who brought you your stuff?" he asked, feeling sad that Johnny hadn't felt like he could ask even that much of a favor of his best friend.

Johnny glanced down at himself and shrugged. "Chris came by last night," he answered. "He said he'd been over at the ranch helping Bob with the horses, and he figured I'd need some things while I was staying with you."

Roy had been at work last night, so it wasn't strange that he hadn't known Chris had stopped off at Rampart on his way home from Johnny's. But he did think it odd that his son hadn't brought the rest of Johnny's things to the house. It would have been easier to have one less thing to juggle into the car. But then it occurred to Roy that Chris was probably trying to save Joanne any more stress than she was already under. She hadn't taken any interest in getting John's room ready for their guest, so Chris must have felt it would be better not to add any more reminders.

"That's good," Roy said. "I'm glad he was thinking ahead."

He struggled for something else to say, something to fill the awkward silence that once more fell between them. But words wouldn't come. So he settled for getting behind the wheelchair, his hands on the grips.

"You ready?"

Johnny nodded. "Guess so," was all the response he gave. He looked up at Dixie. "See ya’ around."

The nurse leaned reached down to squeeze Johnny's hand. "You take care of yourself," she admonished with mock sternness. "And remember what Kel said."

Johnny managed a half smile. "Don't I always?"

Dixie rolled her eyes exaggeratedly. "I'm not even going to get into that," she chuckled. She moved over to the door. "I'll walk down with you guys. Make sure he at least stays in the chair until he's out of the hospital."

"Aw, Dix..." Johnny complained with a show of his usual good nature. "When have I ever been anything besides a model patient?"

"Do you want me to make a list?" Dixie retorted with her hands on her hips.

Johnny finally chuckled. Taking that as a cue, Roy pushed the wheelchair out into the hallway, flashing Dixie a smile as he passed her. She'd managed to do what he couldn't - lighten Johnny's mood, at least for a while.

He wished she could have come with them during the ride home. Once they pulled away from Rampart, Dixie waving at them as they left, the atmosphere was once more awkward. Jenny kept up a mostly one-sided conversation from the front seat, where she sat half facing the back where Johnny sat with his leg stretched out on the seat. At best he gave her one or two word responses when she paused and needed some kind of input from her uncle. But she didn't seem fazed and pressed on with fifteen year old determination. Roy wasn't sure if she was aware of what she was doing, but he suspected she did. He knew kids were far more perceptive than most adults gave them credit for being.

It didn't take very long to get home. Roy saw Chris’s Pinto in the driveway. A few moments later the front door opened and the teenager emerged from the house, trotting down the walkway to offer his help. Roy noted Joanne was standing at the door, and she did give Roy a small wave when he caught her eye, but she didn't follow Chris down the driveway.

Roy sighed as he retrieved Johnny's wheelchair from the trunk of Chrysler LeBaron, and suddenly felt a tightness in his throat and the sting of tears in his eyes. It had become a familiar sensation lately, and one he tried his best to push away. He had to stay strong. Too many people needed him. He couldn't afford to give into his emotions. It wouldn't help Joanne. It wouldn't help Johnny. And it sure as hell wasn't going to help John.

"Here, Dad, let me do that. You can help Uncle Johnny get out of the car."

Roy turned to see Chris standing beside him, reaching for the chair. There was a depth of understanding in his son's eyes that Roy hadn't expected. He didn't trust his voice, so he merely gave Chris a grateful nod, then moved around to the door Jennifer had opened.

Johnny glanced up at him, his face apprehensive.

"Welcome home, Junior," Roy said softly, "at least for a while."

­­­­­­ Chapter 36

It had been years since Johnny felt uncomfortable around Joanne.  Not since his partnership with Roy was new, and he was an impulsive, cocky twenty-four year old who invariably put his foot in his mouth whenever he was around Roy’s wife. Those days were long in the past though, and sometime between then and now, friendship blossomed between Johnny and Joanne.  The paramedic would have never guessed how much he’d come to value Jo’s friendship, or how the friendship the two of them shared, made the friendship Johnny shared with Roy even stronger.  

But now the friendship between Johnny and Joanne was slowly losing life.  Each time a little piece died, Johnny felt his friendship with Roy die along with it.  Agreeing to come to the DeSoto home was a mistake, just like Johnny had known it would be.  After all, he was the reason why John was missing in the first place.  No wonder Joanne could barely stand making eye contact with him, and avoided being in the same room with him whenever possible.

Joanne was standing at the front door when Johnny arrived late on Thursday morning.  She’d stepped back as Roy and Chris carried the wheelchair in the house, with Johnny seated in it.  The paramedic chief still hated how helpless that moment made him feel.  It had given him new appreciation of the importance of human dignity, and the humiliations elderly people are subjected to as their bodies weaken with age.  But no amount of arguing would convince Roy that Johnny could make it into the house on his own two feet with just a little help from him and Chris. 

“Brackett said you’re supposed to stay off that knee as much as possible.”

“And I will, starting right after you and Chris help me into the house.”

“No, starting now.”

Johnny would have continued arguing his case, had Chris not instantly been at his father’s side, helping maneuver the paramedic chief out of the LeBaron’s back seat and into the wheelchair. Although Johnny had thought of resisting the men’s efforts, he knew it would only make him look foolish, and in the end, could have caused him further injury.  So, because he had no other choice, Johnny’d dealt with the embarrassment of being carried into the house like an eighty-five year old who could no longer climb four simple steps, all the while wishing he’d insisted to Brackett that he’d recuperate just fine in his own home without assistance from anyone.

The first awkward moment came when Roy and Chris set the wheelchair down in the middle of the living room floor.  Joanne had stepped forward, then stepped back, then finally stepped forward again. She bent down, giving Johnny a peck on the cheek that was so fleeting he’d barely felt her lips against his skin.  The impression the paramedic got was that of a child being forced to welcome a relative she had no desire to see. 

“Hi, Johnny.”

He’d grabbed for one of her hands and gave it a light squeeze.  Before he could manage to say, “Hi, Jo,” she’d pulled her hand from his grasp and stepped away from him.

Thankfully, that first awkward moment didn’t linger, although there would be many more to come.  Just then, however, Jennifer entered the house carrying Johnny’s bag.

“Mom, should I put this in John’s room? It’s got Uncle Johnny’s clothes and stuff in it.”

“Uh…um…no.  No.  Put it in…uh…”

“Go ahead and put it in John’s room,” Roy instructed. 

Johnny sensed Roy looking down at the top of his head when he spoke again.

“Jenny and I got John’s room ready for you.  You should be comfortable in there.  It’s small, but I’m pretty sure there’s enough room for the wheelchair to make it between the bed and the wall.  I measured it off and--”

“No!”

Everyone turned, gaping at Joanne.  Johnny saw tears shimmering in her eyes. She brought her hand to her mouth, as though trying to take back the word she’d said, or trying to prevent more words from coming out, the paramedic wasn’t sure which. Either way, he knew what was wrong. 

“Jo,” Roy said in that quiet way husbands and wives have of talking to one another when they don’t want to make a scene in front of their children…or a guest. “We talked about this, remember?  We agreed that Johnny would stay--”

“No, Roy, you talked about it!  You said Johnny would stay in John’s room.  I never agreed to it!  I never said it was okay!”

Roy sounded like he was trying to pacify a moody child.  “But, honey, you never said it wasn’t okay, either.”

“I shouldn’t have had to say it wasn’t okay!  You should have known.  John’s coming back! Despite what you think, Roy, he’s coming back!” Joanne’s tear filled gaze took in her husband and children. “Despite what all of you think, John’s coming back.”

Joanne whirled away from her family as sobs overtook her.  Jennifer went to her mother’s side and wrapped her arms around the woman’s shoulders.  At that moment, Johnny wanted to be anywhere but in Roy’s living room.  He turned in the chair and looked up at his friend.

Softly, Johnny ordered, “Roy, take me home.”

“Johnny--”

“Take me home, Roy.”

A few seconds passed with Roy standing there as though he wasn’t sure where his loyalties should lie.  With his wife of almost twenty years, or with the best friend who was recovering from life threatening injuries and wasn’t supposed to be left to fend for himself.

Johnny struggled to turn the chair around in the thick carpeting and aim it for the front door.  “Roy, come on.  Take me--”

“Johnny, no.”  Joanne faced the paramedic. She wiped the tears on her cheeks with her fingertips. “No.  I…I’m sorry. That was uncalled for. I shouldn’t have, I…I just shouldn’t have.”

“You don’t need to be sorry.  This isn’t an easy time for you.  It’d be better if I go home.”

“No, you can’t. You’re supposed to have someone with you.”

“Jo--”

She’d even managed a smile then, although Johnny could tell there was no feeling behind it.  “Stay, Johnny. Please.”  Her eyes flicked to Roy, as if seeking his approval, before returning to the paramedic. “I…Roy’s right.  I need…I need someone to keep me company while he and the kids are at work.”

She didn’t mean it.  Johnny had no doubts she didn’t mean it, and was only being polite. Only saying what she knew Roy wanted her to say.  Only saying what would cause the least amount of upset for everyone but herself.

“Jo, no.  I--”

She’d approached him then and taken his hand.  “Really.  I want you to stay.  I’m sorry.  I just…I lose control now and then, and say things I don’t mean.  As Doctor Edwards told me, I’m on an emotional coaster roller.”

Johnny reluctantly gave in, but only because, like Joanne, he knew it would upset everyone else if he insisted Roy take him to his ranch. 

“All right.  But only ‘til I’m back on my feet, and not in John’s…I’ll stay in Chris’s room, if he doesn’t mind.”

“I don’t mind.”

Johnny was thankful Chris instinctively understood this was how things needed to be, and also thankful that Roy finally seemed to get it. Joanne didn’t want Johnny in John’s room. She didn’t want the man who’d put her child in harm’s way in the room that contained so much of the boy’s essence. It wouldn’t be until late that day, after Johnny spent some time in the house, that he understood Joanne’s reasons for not wanting him in John’s room had little to do with what role he’d played in John’s disappearance, and everything to do with the fact that the boy’s room had become a shrine where Joanne sought refuge while worshiping the memory of her missing child.

Chris’s room contained two twin beds, a dresser, a stereo, a portable TV, a nightstand, and a desk. Although it would be hours before Johnny wanted to go to bed, the kids got the room ready for him. They rearranged furniture to give the wheelchair easier access, and emptied out one dresser drawer so his clothes could be put away. 

Eileen and Jennifer had been sleeping in Chris’s room that week, while Chris slept in Jennifer’s.  Sheets and pillowcases were now changed in both rooms, so Jenny could reclaim hers, and Johnny and Chris could be roommates.  While Johnny appreciated the gestures on the kids’ part, none of it mattered to him.  He could just as easily have slept on the couch, or in one of the recliners, but he didn’t say anything.  He figured Chris and Jennifer’s need to get the room ready was a way for them to fill some time while escaping the tension in the living room.

Roy pushed the wheelchair straight ahead to the dining area.  He took a chair from the table and sat it in one corner, then pushed Johnny up to the head of the table.

“I’ll get lunch ready for us.”

Johnny nodded. “Okay.”  He watched out of the corner of his eye as Joanne tried to slip down the hallway unnoticed.

“Jo,” Roy called. “Would you set the table for me?”

Joanne hesitated. Johnny was sure that if he hadn’t been there, she’d have ignored Roy and kept walking. Johnny had a feeling Roy knew it too, and that’s exactly why he’d asked for her help.

“Joanne?”

“Um…sure.  Sure, I can do that.”

Once again, this was the last place Johnny wanted to be.  The paramedic chief felt like he was caught in the middle of a private, heart-breaking situation he had no business being a part of.  An educated guess told him many more moments like this were in store between now and when he was finally allowed to go home.

Johnny watched Joanne move around the kitchen as though she was in a trance.  Her cheeks were gaunt and pale, and her eyes were bloodshot from lack of sleep, or endless hours of weeping, or most likely both.  It was hard to say when the last time was that she’d run a comb through her hair, and her clothes looked liked she’d slept in them, which Johnny suspected she had.  She looked nothing like the Joanne he’d known for over a decade.  Nothing like the woman who always took pride in her appearance, and even on days when she never left the house and was busy chasing young children around, put on makeup and styled her hair.

A glimpse inside the DeSotos’ refrigerator when Roy opened it told Johnny that friends and neighbors were making sure the family didn’t lack for meals.  The countertops were further evidence of that. Tupperware containers containing cakes, cookies, and pies were stacked in front of Joanne’s mushroom canister set and the four-slot toaster. 

Roy put a chicken casserole in the microwave.  When it was steaming hot, he took it out and warmed a pan of ravioli. By the time everything was on the table, Chris and Jenny had returned.  Jen slipped into the chair on Johnny’s right, while Chris sat at his left.

“We’ve got Chris’s room all ready for you, Uncle Johnny.”

“Thanks, Jenny Bean.”

“I left your bag on the floor by the dresser. Chris cleaned out the bottom drawer.”  Jennifer scooped some of the casserole onto her plate, then added some slices of fresh cantaloupe from a plate her brother had passed her. “ I didn’t put anything away, though.  I figured you wouldn’t want me going through your unmentionables.”

Johnny laughed at the girl’s phrasing. As far as he was concerned, the only “unmentionables” he had at home was a box of condoms in his nightstand drawer.  He highly doubted Chris had any reason to open his nightstand when collecting some clothes, his toothbrush, and his razor, and even if he had, Chris wasn’t the kind of guy who would have packed them as a joke.  Chet Kelly was that kind of guy, but not Chris DeSoto. He was too much like his father to pull a stunt that might embarrass someone.

“Glad to hear it,” was all Johnny said in return.  “A girl your age shouldn’t be goin’ through a guy’s unmentionables.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, ‘a girl my age?’”

“If you have to ask, then I’ve made my point.”

Chris joined in the bantering then, keeping it alive in a way that told Johnny the kids were desperate for a little fun to fill their house again.  Even Roy seemed to be enjoying the light conversation as food was passed right along with teasing remarks.  He didn’t join in, but Johnny saw a sparkle in his eyes that he was sure had been lacking since John disappeared.

Johnny wasn’t certain what Jen said to Chris, or vice versa, that caused the kids to burst into laughter. He’d been concentrating on getting a spoonful of ravioli on his plate one-handed without dumping any on the tablecloth.

Silverware clattered against a plate. 

“Stop it!”

Joanne’s outburst drew everyone’s attention to the opposite end of the table. 

“Stop laughing!  Stop joking around!  Don’t you care that your little brother is missing?  Don’t you care that he could be lying dead somewhere?”

“Jo--”

“No, Roy, don’t ‘Jo’ me.  Don’t patronize me.  Our five year old son is missing, and none of you seem to care.”

“We do care, Joanne.  The kids…they have to be able to laugh once in a while.  They have to be able to have some fun now and then.”

“John’s not having any fun.” The woman’s wild eyes took in everyone. “Have any of you thought of that?  While you’re having fun, John’s…who knows where John is or what’s happening to him.  Think about that the next time you want to laugh!”

Joanne shoved her chair back and ran from the table.  She gave an anguished cry as she fled down the hallway to John’s room, her sobs finally cut off by the sound of a slamming door.

Roy closed his eyes briefly, then pushed himself to his feet.  The slump to the man’s shoulders broadcast both his physical and emotional exhaustion to Johnny.

Tears filled Jennifer’s eyes.  “Dad…we’re sorry.  We didn’t mean--”

Roy kissed the top of his daughter’s head as he passed by her.

“I know you didn’t. Don’t worry about.You and Chris didn’t do anything wrong.”

“But Mom--”

“Things are hard for Mom right now, Jenny. Things are hard for all of us.  Each one of us handles it differently.  There’s no right or wrong where that’s concerned, and don’t let anyone make you feel as though there is.”

Johnny thought that was sound advice.  He sat quietly watching as Roy walked down the hall, opened the door to John’s room without knocking, and entered.  Joanne’s sobs were briefly heard, then the door shutting again blocked them out.

Johnny and the kids lost their appetites after that.  Chris and Jen cleared the table, then hurried through cleaning up the kitchen since they both had to work that afternoon. 

As Jenny headed to her room to change into her Tasty Freeze uniform she called over her shoulder, “Are you still gonna give me a ride?”

“Yeah, but hurry up.  I need to leave in fifteen minutes.  I’ve gotta meet Bill at the new bank down the street from the high school. We’re setting up the computer system this afternoon.”

Johnny knew the “Bill” Chris referred to was his boss, Bill Mattson. The man had started a computer business six months earlier, and hired Chris as his first employee at the beginning of the summer.  As Chris had told Johnny, it was interesting work, and beat his previous job as a counter boy at McDonald’s

Jen promised, “I’ll be ready,” and ran to her room.

After Jennifer left, Chris asked Johnny, “You want me to push you to the living room? I could turn on the TV.”

“Nah. There won’t be anything to watch but soap operas.”

“How about out to the deck then?”

Johnny looked at the deck, and then at the shimmering water of the above ground pool just beyond it.  He hadn’t been outside for any length of time since they’d gone camping.  It was hot out there, but it was better than sitting in the house, intruding on Roy and Joanne’s privacy.

“Sure. The deck would be fine.”

“I can bring you the newspaper and some magazines.”

“That’d be great. Thanks.”

Chris opened the sliding glass door and screen.  He walked around the table, got behind the wheelchair, grasped the handles, and pushed it onto the deck.  Hot air engulfed Johnny, the heat made even more noticeable because he’d grown accustomed to the air-conditioned house. 

Wish I could float around in that pool for a while.

Chris pushed Johnny up to the round wrought iron table his parents had on the deck. He adjusted the table’s umbrella so the paramedic’s head and upper body were shaded from the glaring sun.  He went back into the house, returning with the newspaper and a stack of magazines in one hand, and a pitcher of lemonade and glass filled with ice in the other.  He set everything on the table, then poured lemonade into the glass.

“Here. It thought you might get thirsty sitting out here.”

“Thanks.  But you didn’t have to go to all that trouble.”

“Opening the fridge and grabbing a pitcher isn’t any trouble.”

“If you say so.”

“I do.”  The young man sat down in a chair next to Johnny while he waited for his sister.  Although he’d shut the patio door to keep the cool air inside the house, he still lowered his voice.  “I didn’t tell Dad I wasn’t planning on going to school.”

“No?”

“I…I just can’t right now with everything else that’s going on.”

“So what are you gonna do?”

“I guess I’ll start classes like I’m scheduled to.”

Johnny nodded.  Chris was registered at USC.  Classes started for him on Monday, August 27^th, while Jennifer and John didn’t start school until the Tuesday after Labor Day.

There was a note of hope in Chris’s tone.  “Unless...”

“Unless what?”

“Unless Dad lets me drop out ‘cause of what’s going on with John and all.”

“I don’t think your dad’ll want you to do that.  Besides, don’t you think it’s kind of dishonest to use John’s disapp…what’s happened to your family as the excuse you need to get outta goin’ to school?”

The young man’s gaze dropped to the deck.  “Yeah, I suppose.”

“Chris, we’ve talked about this before. You know I think you need to give school a chance for both yourself and your dad.”

Chris looked at Johnny again.  “But I wanna be a paramedic.”

“I know that, but once you start school, you might find there’s something else you wanna do with your life.”

“No I won’t.  My mind’s made up.”

“And…?”

Chris sighed with defeat. “And I guess I’m gonna go ahead and start school.  I can’t tell Dad now that I was planning to skip the whole thing and take the department’s entrance exam. And I sure can’t tell him I’ve signed up at Hartford to take EMT classes this fall.  He’s got enough on his mind as it is.  I can’t add to that.”

“I don’t think you should add to it,” Johnny advised. “Just give it your best shot, Chris.  Just give this first semester at USC a chance. That’s all I ask on behalf of your father.”

“Okay.  I’ll do that. I’ll give it a shot.”

“Give what a shot?”

The men looked up as Jennifer stepped onto the deck wearing a red polyester smock top with the Tasty Freeze logo on it, and red slacks.  She had her hair in a ponytail that was pulled over the band of the red brimmed visor she was required to wear.

“Nothing.” Chris stood. “You ready to go?”

“Yep.”

“What time do you get off tonight?”

“Nine.”

“Need me to pick you up?”

“I can walk.”

“Uh huh.  You know Mom and Dad don’t want you walking home after dark.  I’ll be there to get you.”

“All right.”  Jennifer bent and kissed Johnny’s cheek.  “Bye, Uncle Johnny.”

“Bye, Jen.”

Chris patted his shoulder. “See ya’ later tonight, Uncle Johnny.”

“Yeah, see ya’ then, Sport.”

Johnny heard the patio door slide closed behind him.  He stared out at the water until the glare from the sun started to give him a headache.  He took a swig of lemonade, set the glass back on the table, then reached for the paper, opened it, and started reading.  His eyes dwelled on the small sidebar that caught his attention on page four with the headline that read: Carson Boy Still Missing.

‘Five year old John Desoto of Carson, is still missing.  The boy disappeared nine days ago a few miles outside of Nipton, after the vehicle he was riding in was carjacked.  Los Angeles County Paramedic Chief, John Gage, a friend of the DeSoto family, was seriously injured when the vehicle was stolen.  If you have any information regarding the whereabouts of John DeSoto, please contact the San Bernardino County Sheriff’s Department.’

It had been just nine days since John disappeared, and already he’d been relegated to a sidebar on page four. As though he was an afterthought.  No wonder Joanne couldn’t stop crying, and Roy looked like he didn’t know who to turn to next for help.

Johnny didn’t know how long he sat there staring at the words until they blurred in front of him. He blinked and looked up when someone reached around him, placed a plate of cookies on the table, and refilled his glass.

Roy sat down next the paramedic.  He’d carried out a glass for himself.  He grasped the pitcher’s handle, filled the glass, and sat back in his chair. 

“Have a cookie.  Mrs. Dorsey from the down the street dropped ‘em off.  They’re good.”

“Thanks. Maybe later.”  Johnny glanced through the patio doors.  “How’s Jo?”

“She’s…she’s in John’s room resting.”

Johnny waited, but Roy didn’t say anything else about his wife.  Based on how drained the man looked, Johnny could easily imagine what had gone in that room.  How Roy had tried to comfort the distraught woman, and how helpless he’d felt when he realized there was nothing he could do to make things better for her since he couldn’t produce the one person she yearned to see – their youngest son.

  Johnny shut the paper, hoping Roy hadn’t seen what he’d been looking at.

“It’s okay.  I read it earlier.”

Johnny looked at his friend.  “I’m sorry, Roy.  If there’s anything I can do…anything at all…”

“There is something you can do.”

“What?”

“Quit being sorry.  It wasn’t your fault.”

Johnny gazed out at the water. “I just wish I could remember.”

“Maybe you will, given enough time.”

Johnny left unspoken his thoughts of, Yeah, but in enough time to help John? After nine days, I doubt it.  Time’s probably run out.

This was the first time they’d talked about John since that initial visit Roy made to Loma Linda.  There was so much Johnny didn’t know about what had happened between when he was injured and now.  Everyone was so concerned about not putting pressure on him to remember the carjacking that they’d told him next to nothing.  Now that he was finally out of the hospital, and with the kids gone from the house, and Joanne in John’s room, the paramedic felt he had the freedom to get some of his nagging questions answered.

“What have the cops found so far?”

“Nothing.  Nothing at all. They’ve combed the area where you were found on foot and by air.  They’ve had the press give the case a lot of attention.  They’ve searched as far as Arizona and Nevada, and then all throughout San Bernardino and Barstow.”

“San Bernardino and Barstow?”

“They know the punks who took the Rover stopped for gas in Barstow, and then they were caught at a McDonald’s in San Bernardino.  They thought there was a chance that John had been hiding in the back of the Rover and slipped out when the vehicle was stopped.”

There was that word again.  Hiding. An imagine flashed through Johnny’s mind of a ditch, and then with it came his own words echoing in his head, “I need you to hide until I tell you it's safe, okay?"

It was so brief, yet so clear, that it startled the man.  He wasn’t sure how many times Roy had called his name in an effort to regain his attention.

“Johnny?”  Roy started to stand and bend toward him.  “Johnny, you okay?”

“Uh…yeah. Yeah, I’m fine.”

“Is it too hot out here for you?”

“No.  No, I’m okay.”

“You sure?  You kind of zoned out on me for a few seconds there.”

“I’m okay.”

Roy handed Johnny his glass.  “Here. Drink some more of this.”  The captain grabbed a cookie from the plate.  “And have one of these too.”

“Roy, my blood sugar didn’t just take a nose dive.”

“Well something sure did.  Now drink that and eat the cookie.”

Johnny did as Roy instructed because it was better than the alternative – being forced to reveal a memory that might not be memory at all, and in turn, get Roy’s hopes up, only to have them dashed at some point down the road.

Johnny got the impression Roy wasn’t going to resume the conversation until he was certain Johnny wouldn’t topple out of the wheelchair.  Therefore, the paramedic ate the cookie and drank the lemonade.  Although he wouldn’t admit it to Roy, he did feel a little better after getting something in his stomach.  He even let Roy refill his glass again; knowing that the high heat was a rapid dehydrator.

Johnny took a swallow of lemonade, then asked, “What’s the status of the search now?”

“Dwindling.  I…I haven’t told Joanne this yet, but I talked to Detective Salazar the other night and--”

“Who’s he?”

“The lead detective on the case.”

“Oh.  I only talked to a guy named Preston.”

“I know.  Salazar is his boss.  Anyway, they don’t have the manpower to keep the search going indefinitely.  He didn’t exactly say when, but I got the impression it would be called off soon.”

“What about the kids who stole the Rover?”

“They’re still not talking. Or at least not changing their story.  They claim they never saw John.”

The conversation shifted a bit then, with Johnny asking questions about where and how he was found.  Other blurred memories began to make sense based on the answers Roy gave him, like the vague notion that he’d been lying on the side of a dusty road with Roy bending over him, and a foggy vision of being transported somewhere in a helicopter with Chris at his side. 

Roy filled him in on the condition of the Land Rover then, and said that as soon as it was feasible he’d get someone to ride to San Bernardino with him to claim the Rover for Johnny, as well as the camping equipment and other things the police had removed from it.

By the time the men were done talking, Johnny had a clearer idea as to what had happened that Tuesday afternoon of the carjacking, but no clearer idea as to where John might be, and whether or not he really had told the boy to hide.

Johnny squinted against the headache that was starting to build as he tried to force the memories to come forth.  Roy must have seen something in his expression that indicated his level of discomfort.

“You’re sat out here long enough.  Let’s go in the house where it’s cool.  It’s about time for you to take a pain pill as it is.”

Johnny didn’t argue with his friend.  Not only did his head hurt, but his leg was beginning to ache too.

Roy opened the patio door and pushed the wheelchair into the house.  He went to the linen closet in the hallway, coming back with a stack of pillows. He put two against an armrest of the couch, and set the remaining two on the coffee table.  He pushed Johnny into the living room, helped him transfer from his chair to the couch, and settled him against the pillows.  He took the pillows from the coffee table and carefully placed them beneath Johnny’s injured knee.

The fire captain then went to the kitchen. He returned with a glass of water and a pill in his hand.  Johnny downed the pill, took two swallows of the liquid, then handed the glass back to Roy with a, “Thanks.”

“Welcome.”

Roy turned on the TV and flipped stations until he found a baseball game. The Dodgers weren’t playing, but Johnny was willing to settle for the Giants considering his only other choices were soap operas or Sesame Street.

As Johnny’s eyes began to droop he was dimly aware of Roy cleaning off the patio table, shutting the door, moving around in the kitchen for a few minutes, and then heading down the hallway.  He assumed the man was checking on Joanne.  Maybe even trying to coax her out of John’s room. 

When Roy returned, Joanne wasn’t with him.  Johnny opened his eyes and asked quietly, “Is she all right?”

Johnny quickly discerned that Roy’s, “She’s resting,” had become the standard answer he gave anyone who inquired about Joanne’s well being.  He didn’t pressure Roy to tell him more.  As he watched his friend’s attention being drawn to the ball game, he figured it would do Roy good to escape into the world of sports for a few minutes if he could.

The paramedic chief watched the game with his friend, although he lasted only one inning. Between the move from Rampart, the fact that he was still recovering from his injuries, the time spent out in the hot sun, and the pain pill Roy had given him, he couldn’t keep his eyes open.

It was a kaleidoscope of bad dreams that woke Johnny two and a half hours later.  He wouldn’t call them nightmares, just haunting images of Jessie, Jennifer and John, along with faceless, nameless assailants intent on taking the children from him. 

“Feeling better?”

It took Johnny a moment to shake off the dreams and focus on the voice.  He wasn’t sure where he was at first. Whether he’d been expecting to wake up at Rampart, or in his own home, he wasn’t certain.  When he recognized the décor of the DeSotos’ living room, depression and despair briefly overwhelmed him.  It wasn’t just a dream.  It had really happened. John was gone, he was to blame, and now he was stuck in the last place he wanted to be – with the people whose child he’d been responsible for.

“Johnny?”

“Ye…uh, yeah.”  Johnny glanced at Roy, who was still sitting in his recliner. “Yeah, I’m feeling better.  I could use your help making a trip to the bathroom though.”

“Sure thing.”

They didn’t use the wheelchair this time.  To lower the risk of a blood clot forming, or pneumonia setting in, Johnny’s after care instructions stated that short walks “with assistance” should be taken several times a day.  Johnny thought of his trip to the bathroom as more of a hobble than a walk, but with Roy’s help he made it there in a standing position.  The vanity top gave him something to lean on, allowing him to maneuver in the bathroom without Roy at his side.

Roy said, “I’ll wait right out here in the hall,” then shut the bathroom door. 

Johnny emptied his bladder, then washed his hands and face.  As he dried his face off with a towel from the set Roy had gotten from the linen closet for him, Johnny realized he hadn’t seen or heard Joanne anywhere in the house, and that John’s bedroom door was still closed when he and Roy passed it.

Nothing changed in that regard as Roy helped Johnny back to the living room.  He saw Roy’s eyes flick to the closed door, but whatever Roy was thinking about the way his wife was secluding herself, he left unspoken.

The men ate supper in the living room off of TV trays.  Once again, Roy warmed up some of the meals various neighbors had dropped off.  He tried to get Joanne to join them, but Johnny knew she’d refused when Roy returned to the living room without her.  Johnny had never seen his friend look so lost and alone.  As though his lifeline was missing.  As though the woman who normally kept this household running, and who was the light of her husband’s life, was absent in both body and spirit.

Johnny thought Roy might change the station to the news, but he didn’t.  The ballgame was a doubleheader, and Roy seemed satisfied to watch the second game.  Johnny wasn’t sure if that meant Roy couldn’t stand to see any news that might be broadcast about John, or if that meant he couldn’t stand to see no news broadcast about John.  Considering the case was now nine days old, Johnny figured it was a fifty-fifty chance that John would even be mentioned.  When Roy didn’t change the station, Johnny had a feeling his friend figured the same thing.

Roy took a plate of food into Joanne later that evening.  Johnny caught a glimpse of the plate when Roy carried it back to the kitchen twenty minutes later.  He didn’t think Joanne had eaten anything from it.  If she had, she hadn’t eaten much. 

By the time Chris and Jennifer came home shortly after nine, Johnny was ready to call it a night.  While the kids warmed up their supper in the microwave, Roy helped Johnny make a trip to the bathroom, then helped him change into a pair of pajama bottoms and get settled in the guest bed in Chris’s room. 

After Roy said goodnight and shut the door as he left the room, all Johnny could think of as he stared up at the dark ceiling was that he hadn’t seen Joanne since lunch.  He wondered how many nights Roy had slept by himself since the family’s return from San Bernardino, and how many nights Joanne had sat alone in John’s room crying, wondering if her son would ever come back to her.

The paramedic pretended to be asleep when Chris entered the room. He’d heard the kids knock on John’s bedroom door and ask their mother if they could come in.  Johnny wasn’t sure if they’d been granted admission, but if they had been, they weren’t allowed to stay long. Or maybe their stay was brief because they just didn’t know what to say to the woman who was so unlike the mother they’d always known.

Guilt and depression made it difficult for Johnny to sleep that night. When he did finally drift off sometime after midnight, all he wanted was to wake up and discover he’d been trapped in a bad dream. That there’d been no carjacking.  That he hadn’t been beaten half to death by a punk swinging a tire iron.  And most important, that John Desoto wasn’t missing, but instead, just down the hall in his bedroom, wrapped safely in the loving arms of his mother.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t to be.  When Johnny woke on Friday morning, he heard Roy trying to coax Joanne out of John’s room in order to eat some breakfast, and then he heard Joanne tell him to go away and leave her alone.

And so, as they rolled into the tenth day since John had vanished, the nightmare continued.

­­­­­­ Chapter 37

“Ah, but that water is inviting, no?  Makes an old lady tempted to throw caution to the rain, put on her bikini, and dive in.”

Dr. Edwards waited a long moment for Johnny to say something, and then broke his unease with a laugh.

“Oh, Just John, are you so foolish as to think a fat old woman such as myself owns a bikini? Or would put one on if she did?”

“With you, anything’s possible.”

The woman laughed again.  “You are right about that, Bubele. But no, I do not own a bikini.  Or even a swimming suit, for that matter. For you see, I do not know how to swim. I would sink like a rock.”

“Stone.”

“That too.”

The doctor ladled a big scoop of fresh peach cobbler into a bowl beside the two scoops of ice cream she’d put in the bowl while still in the house.  She handed the bowl to Johnny, then repeated her actions, ladling cobbler into her own bowl.

“I will have just a small piece. Kelly Brackett would tell me I should not have any, since I already ate a piece with Joanne, but he is a shmo. Although I say that with love, if he ever asks you.”

“Shmo?”

“Yiddish word for boob.”

 Johnny laughed. He’d heard Brackett called a lot of things over the years, but never a boob.

“He is always after me to lose weight, you see.  But why should I want to lose weight, when I would rather eat my own good cooking?  Besides, when I die, I shall die fat and happy, not skinny and miserable because I spent my last days on a diet of nothing but bread and water.  What do you think about that?”

“I think you should do whatever makes you happy.”

The woman reached over and patted Johnny’s hand.  “I knew you would, because you are my Just John, and you don’t care if I am fat, or skinny, or somewhere in-between.”

Johnny winked at her.  “Nope, I sure don’t.”

Conversation ceased for a few minutes as the doctor and Johnny sat together on the deck, enjoying the dessert she’d brought from home.  Roy and the kids were at their jobs, and as far as Johnny knew, Joanne was still in John’s room.  He’d seen her only briefly on that Friday.  Around ten o’clock, she’d emerged to take a shower and change her clothes.  Johnny had been sitting at the kitchen table helping Jennifer fold towels and sheets for lack of anything better to do.  Roy and Chris were already at work by then.  Jennifer didn’t have to be at the neighborhood Tasty Freeze until noon, so after breakfast she’d done two loads of laundry and straightened up the house. Jobs her mother would have normally taken care of. 

Johnny was proud of the way Jen took the initiative to do what was needed without being asked, and he was sure Roy was proud of her too.  Yet, he also felt sorry for her.  To a large extent, her mother had dropped out of daily family life, forcing Jennifer to take on the role of “woman of the house” long before she should have had to.  Not that Roy and Joanne didn’t make all their children share in some household chores. They did, and always had. But this was different.  It felt wrong to Johnny, just as he knew it felt wrong to Jennifer.  As though she didn’t have a mother any longer.  Or had only a shell of the person her mother used to be.

Doctor Edwards pushed her empty bowl aside. “So, Just John, how are things now that you are staying with Roy Rogers’ family?”

Johnny allowed the spoonful of ice cream he had in his mouth to melt before he answered.

“Things are like I thought they would be.  Uncomfortable.  I shouldn’t be here.”

“No?”

“No. Having me here is hard on Joanne.”

“I do not see how it can be hard on her. She stays in Little Just John’s bedroom all day long.”

“It makes her feel better.”

“Do not make excuses for her, John.  She has to grieve, yes.  But she cannot do so at the expense of her husband and other children. She will risk losing them if she does not rejoin their lives. She must remember that.”

Johnny shot the woman a small smile. “I’m sure you’ve already told her that.”

“I did a little while ago, yes. In time, I believe she will realize that what I say is true.  Joanne is a strong woman.”

“I know she is.”

“Stronger than she gives herself credit for right now.”

“No one feels strong when they don’t know how to make things better.”

“Are you speaking for Joanne, or for yourself?”

Johnny hesitated a moment.  “For both of us, I guess”

“I am sure you are. That is why you and Joanne need to help one another.”

“I don’t think I’m the person Jo needs right now.”

“No? Then just who is that person? Perhaps I can go find him or her, and bring them here.”

“If you could, you’d make me the happiest guy in the world.”

“Then tell me, because I do not like to see you so sad, Bubele, any more than I like to see my new friend, Joanne, so sad.”

“John,” the paramedic said softly while staring at the melted ice cream running down the sides of his bowl like tears.  “John is the person Joanne needs the most right now.”  

Johnny looked across the table at the doctor. “John is the person she needs, and I wish like hell there was some way I could bring him back to her.”

For once, Dr. Edwards had nothing to say in return.  She patted Johnny’s arm as she stood to collect the dishes.  She left shortly after that, leaving Johnny alone on the deck with his thoughts, and Joanne alone in John’s room with her memories.

­­­­­­ Chapter 38

Roy was off duty on Saturday, which made the day a little easier for Johnny to get through.  Roy even helped him take a walk around the yard, and then helped him to a seated position on the deck surrounding the pool.  Johnny sat sideways, dangling his left leg in the water until it grew too hot to be exposed to the direct sunlight any longer.

While Johnny napped in Chris’s room that afternoon, Roy convinced Joanne to go for a walk with him.  They went to Tasty Freeze, bought ice cream cones from Jennifer, and then crossed the street to a park and sat at a picnic table.  Later that evening, when Joanne had sequestered herself in John’s room once again, Roy told Johnny things had gone pretty well on their outing until a neighbor spotted them at the park and walked over to express her sympathy.

“Jo held it together while Sharon was talking to us, but after she left to round up her kids, Joanne started crying.  She kept saying that John wasn’t dead, and everyone should quit acting like he is.”

Roy rubbed his palms against his tired eyes as the two men sat at the kitchen table. 

“I…Johnny, I don’t know what to do for her any more.  I’m…I’m at the end of my rope.  I can’t help her.  I can’t help John.  I can’t make things like they used to be for Chris and Jennifer.  I can’t do a damn thing to make things like they used to be for any of us.  I go to work because it beats the hell outta sitting around here watching my wife fall apart, yet at the same time I feel guilty for not being here.  For not doing something more to help Joanne get through this.”

Johnny’s silence must have caused Roy to take stock in what he’d just said.  He dropped his hands and stammered a self-conscious apology.

“I…Johnny, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean anything by it.  I didn’t mean to…”

You didn’t mean to what, Roy?  Imply that I’m the guy responsible for the way your life has changed?  For the way your family is dissolving right before your eyes?  For the way your wife can barely function?

Johnny gave his friend a small, sad smile. “It’s okay.  Don’t apologize.”

“But--”

“Don’t apologize, Roy.  Just…just don’t. Please.”

Because they were men, that’s where they allowed the conversation to end by unspoken agreement.  When conversation resumed, it focused on work, with Roy telling Johnny that Charlie Dwyer was slated to fill in for him as paramedic instructor if Brackett didn’t release him for duty when classes started again in two weeks.

Johnny nodded at that news. It didn’t surprise him.  He’d been scheduled to spend the time between when he returned from vacation and when classes resumed, preparing lessons for those classes, while filling in as an active duty paramedic wherever he was needed.  Obviously, he wouldn’t be working as an active duty paramedic for quite some time yet.  Johnny held out hope, though, that he’d be ready to teach his new students when this next session began. As long as he could get around on crutches, he’d be fine.  If that was the case, and he was determined that it would be, then Charlie wouldn’t have to fill in for him.

Sometime that evening, the kids arrived home from their jobs.  Johnny didn’t pay much attention to the time.  He just knew it was still hot out, but that the sun was starting to go down. After Chris and Jen had eaten, he joined them at the pool.  While the kids swam, Johnny sat on the edge again dangling his uninjured leg in the water.  Roy disappeared into John’s room and somehow managed to get Joanne to join her family outside.  She didn’t say much of anything, and refused Roy’s offer to warm up some food for her, but at least she made an effort for the sake of her husband and children, albeit a short one.

On Sunday, Roy was on duty once again.  The church the DeSotos attended was holding a prayer service for John at ten a.m., but Joanne couldn’t bring herself to go.  Chris and Jennifer went by themselves, as much to represent the family, Johnny suspected, as to escape the depressing atmosphere that prevailed within the house. 

Just like Roy sought refuge at work, and Joanne sought refuge in John’s room, Johnny recognized that the kids sought refuge at their jobs, with their friends, and just about anywhere else that gave them an excuse to leave the house.  He couldn’t blame them, but it worried him too. Especially where Jennifer was concerned.  For all intents and purposes, Chris was an adult now. But Jen was a teenager yet, and vulnerable to all the things that came a girl’s way when she was no longer getting the parental time and attention she needed at home.   She’d been used to Joanne always knowing where she was, whom she was with, and what time she was supposed to be home.  Now Jennifer was making many of those decisions for herself, resulting in Johnny having a good understanding of what Dr. Edwards meant when she said Joanne could lose her husband and children if she didn’t rejoin their lives.  She didn’t mean “lose” in the literal sense, but certainly in the sense that a family that had once been a strong unit, might break apart as each member went his and her own way.  That’s what scared Johnny regarding Jennifer.  When a young girl turned to others for comfort, those “others” were often boys after just one thing.  He didn’t want to think of someone using Jenny, or mistreating her, simply because she was looking for the love and attention she no longer found at home.

Johnny sat in the living room after the kids left, wondering if he was worrying for no reason.  Either way, there wasn’t much he could do about it other than let Jennifer know he’d always be available if she needed him.  The paramedic had no doubt that Roy would do the best he could where Chris and Jen were concerned.  He could only hope that Joanne would take Dr. Edwards’ advice, and rejoin her family before she lost all of them right along with John.

Chris and Jennifer tried to convince Johnny to go with them, and though an outing sounded appealing, Johnny had never been much on attending church. Besides, it would be too uncomfortable for him to sit in a pew, and the logistics of getting the wheelchair into the church meant Chris would have to get someone to help him.  Johnny’s pride wouldn’t allow for that, and as he’d told the kids, he didn’t have any dress clothes with him, and wasn’t going to church in a Los Angeles County Fire Department t-shirt and faded blue jeans.  To an extent, the paramedic realized he was offering nothing but excuses. In actuality, he didn’t want to be the recipient of anyone’s sympathy or prayers. He didn’t want to deal with the stares and whispers when people realized he was the man who hadn’t been able to keep John DeSoto safe.

The kids hadn’t been gone long when Joanne came out of John’s bedroom. Johnny easily read the surprise on her face as she entered the dining area and caught sight of him sitting on the couch with his injured leg propped on the coffee table.  Since he didn’t have the TV on, she must have assumed he’d either gone with Chris and Jen, or was on the deck – his chosen place of refuge in recent days.

“Oh…Johnny.  Um…hi.  I didn’t know you were in the house.”

“Yeah, well, if I showed up in church God would probably have a heart attack, so I figured I’d better stay here.”

A remark that would have normally made Joanne laugh barely got a smile out of her.

“I just came to get a glass of orange juice. Do you…do you want something?”

Johnny didn’t want anything, but in an effort to force Joanne to converse with him, he said, “Yeah. I’ll have a glass too, if you don’t mind.”

“Oh…oh you will?”

“Sure.  And one of your neighbors brought a coffee cake over right before the kids left.  Maybe we could have some of that.”

“Uh…yeah.  Yeah, we could, I suppose.”

Johnny didn’t have any more of an appetite these days than Joanne did, but at least he’d eaten some breakfast with Roy before the man left for work.  Joanne, on the other hand, probably hadn’t eaten much of anything in the past twenty-four hours other than the ice cream cone she’d had the previous afternoon.  Therefore, the paramedic knew she needed something in her stomach, even if it was coffee cake, as opposed to a more nutritious choice like cereal, eggs, or fruit.

The paramedic used the armrest to aid in pushing himself to his feet. He hobbled to the dining area, leaving the wheelchair at one end of the couch.

For a moment, the “old” Joanne was there when she turned and lightly scolded, “I thought you were supposed to stay off of that leg.”

“I am. But I’m also supposed to take a few short walks a day, so I’ll consider this one of ‘em.”

“A few short walks with assistance, is what I think Roy said.”

“I won’t tell him if you won’t.”

Johnny saw a brief smile again. 

“I shouldn’t make that kind of a deal with you, but since you made it to the table without hurting yourself, I suppose there’s nothing to tell, is there.”

“Doesn’t look that way,” Johnny agreed as he limped to the counter, grabbed one of the plates Joanne had set a slice of coffee cake on, and carried it the few steps to the table.

The paramedic did the same with the second plate. He didn’t want the woman to wait on him, and besides, he was being honest when he said he was supposed to get up and move around several times a day.  Yeah, he was supposed to have help, but it was pretty easy to move between the living room, dining area, and kitchen without it.  Roy and Joanne’s house was a typical early 1960s ranch style.  None of the rooms were very large, so they were easy for a man with an injured leg to get around in.

Joanne carried forks and glasses of orange juice to the table.  She gave Johnny one fork, while placing a glass of cold juice beside his plate.

“Thanks.”

“You’re welcome.”

It was a stilted start to a conversation that never turned into much of a conversation at all.  They talked about the weather, the classes Chris was scheduled to take at USC, the fact that a year from now, Jennifer would have her driver’s license, the shelves Roy wanted to remove from the laundry room and replace with kitchen-style cabinets now that his salary enabled them to do a few things around the house they’d put off for years.  They talked about everything but the thing they wanted to talk about the most – John. Until Joanne, in a moment when she wasn’t giving it conscious thought, said, “And I can’t believe John’s going to start kindergarten in two weeks. It seems like just yesterday he was a baby and…”

The woman’s hand covered her mouth as tears started streaming down her face. 

“I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean for this to happen.  I’m sorry.  I…I tell myself I’m not going to cry any more, but that’s all I seem to be able to do.  I know…I know Chris and Jen need me.  I know Roy needs me.  But I can’t…Johnny, I just can’t get John out of my mind.  I worry about him day and night.  Where is he?  Who is he with?  Is someone hurting him?  Did those boys kill him?  Oh God, Johnny, what if they killed him?  What if they killed my baby? How will I ever go on living if they killed him?”

Johnny reached for Joanne’s hand and gently pulled it from her mouth.  He held on while she cried, letting her cling to him for as long as she needed to. When her tears finally subsided a bit, Johnny carefully got to his feet and reached for the box of Kleenex setting on the kitchen counter.  He placed the box beside Joanne, then sat back down.

“Thank you.”  She plucked two tissues from the box and wiped her eyes and nose. “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t have said…I know what you went through with Jessie.  It’s not fair of me to act like I’m the only parent who’s ever--”

“Act any way you need to, Jo.  As Roy told Jennifer the other day, there’s no right or wrong about it.”

“I just can’t keep from thinking about him.  Worrying about him.  My stomach is always in knots.  Even when I manage to get some sleep, all my dreams are about John.”

“I know.”

She gazed at Johnny through wet lashes, hesitated a long moment, then asked what had been on her mind for twelve days now.

“Why?  Why, Johnny?  Why were you on that road? Why did you get off the freeway?  Just tell me why.”

“Jo, you gotta believe me when I say I wish I knew.  I wish I could remember.  You don’t know how much I wish I could remember.”

“But you don’t.”

“No,” Johnny shook his head.  “No,” he said softly, “I don’t.”

She pounded a fist against the table and gave strangled scream. 

“I’m so goddamn mad at you, John Gage!  I hate myself for saying that.  I hate myself for feeling that way, but I can’t help it!  I can’t help it, because my child is missing and I don’t think I’ll ever see him again.”

Joanne started crying again, hiding her face in a fistful of Kleenex.  Johnny sat next to her, swallowing around the lump in his throat, and wishing he could turn the clock back to the day John climbed in the Land Rover with him.  Wishing he’d had the power to see what lay ahead, because if he had, John would have ridden home with his parents that day, and not with “Uncle Johnny.”

When Joanne’s sobs weakened, Johnny said, “I’m going home.”

She dropped her hands and looked at him. “What?”

“I’m going home.”

“Today?”

“Yes.”

“But--”

“Jo, I knew this was a bad idea right from the start. Right from the first time Roy suggested it. I knew having me here wouldn’t be easy on you.  It’ll be best for all of us if I’m not here.”

“But you can’t be alone.”

“I’ll manage.”

“But Roy--”

“Don’t worry about Roy.  I’ll call him tomorrow morning before he goes off-duty and let him know that I went home.”

“He’ll be mad at me.”

“No he won’t be.  I’ll tell him it was my idea, because that’s the truth, it was.  You had nothing to do with this decision.”

When Joanne offered no further protests, Johnny knew he was doing the right thing.  She didn’t want him here. She’d never wanted him here.  He was nothing but a reminder of her missing child.  Nonetheless, he was still her husband’s best friend, and evidently someone she still cared about, because she said, “Chris will stay with you.”

“He doesn’t need to. I’ll be fine.”

“He’ll stay with you,” Joanne insisted. “He won’t mind.  He’s been going out to your place to help Mr. Emery take care of the animals as it is.  It’ll be easier if he’s right there.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Please let him go with you, Johnny.  It’s the only way Roy…”

She didn’t finish her sentence, but she didn’t need to.  Johnny knew she was going to say it was the only way Roy wouldn’t blame her for him leaving. 

“No matter what I decide, don’t worry about Roy.  I’ll handle things with him.”

She reached for his hand.  “You’re too good of a friend to this family sometimes.”

“And sometimes,” he said quietly while squeezing her hand and thinking about John, “I’m not a good enough friend.”

~ ~ ~

Johnny and Joanne were still seated at the table when Chris arrived home from church.  Roy’s mother walked in with him.  By the way Harriet was dressed, Johnny could tell she’d just come from church too. Based on the conversation she and Chris were having, Johnny realized she’d met the kids for the prayer service.

Joanne accepted a kiss on the cheek from her mother-in-law, just like Johnny accepted a kiss from the woman. 

Joanne looked at her son. “Where’s Jennifer?”

“Amy’s parents invited her to their house after church.  I didn’t think you’d care.”

Jennifer’s friendship with Amy dated back to when they were four year olds playing together in the DeSotos’ backyard sandbox.

“I don’t. When will she be back?”

“After supper. She said to tell you she’d be home by seven-thirty.”

“Okay.”  Joanne’s eyes flicked to Johnny, then back to her son.  “Uh…Chris, would you do me a favor?”

“Sure, Mom. Anything.”

“Would you go out and stay at your Uncle Johnny’s for a few days?”

“Jo--”

“Why? Mr. Emery’s taking care of the animals for the most part.  I don’t need to be there all the time.”

“Uncle Johnny wants to go home.  I don’t want him to be there alone.”

Chris looked at Johnny, who nodded.  He hadn’t wanted Chris to do more than drive him out to the ranch, however.  Leave it to a woman to be sneaky about how this was handled.

“I’m ready to be back at my own place, Chris.”

The young man looked at Johnny, then at his mother, then back at Johnny again.  Something in his eyes told Johnny that Chris easily surmised what had transpired while he was at church.

“Does Dad know about this?”

“I’ll call him at the station before he goes off duty tomorrow.  He’ll be okay with it.  And you don’t need to stay with me.  I just wanna bum a ride, and then you can--”

“I’m staying. I just need to change my clothes and pack a few things.”

“Chris--”

“I’m staying, Uncle Johnny.”

Johnny gave up on arguing with the young man.  He knew he’d need some help getting around the house. Considering Chris’s job, and the fact that he’d be starting classes next week, it wasn’t like Johnny wouldn’t have a good deal of the privacy he was craving.

When Chris returned from his bedroom fifteen minutes later, he was carrying a sports bag for himself in his right hand, and had Johnny’s bag in his left. Other than taking out his toothbrush, razor, and pain pills, Johnny had never unpacked the bag.

“I got your pills, toothbrush and razor from the bathroom.  I don’t think there’s anything else I missed, is there?”

“No. That was it.”

Something unspoken passed between Chris and his grandmother as Chris caught her eye. She smiled and said, “I’m taking your mother out for a nice long lunch, then maybe we’ll go to a movie.”

“Harriet, no. I--”

“I’m not taking no for an answer, dear.”  Harriet’s eyes met Chris’s again, while still speaking to Joanne. “Then we’ll come back here and visit a while.”

Chris nodded his thanks.  Without Harriet saying so, Johnny knew she was saying she’d stick around until Jennifer got home, which is exactly the reassurance Chris was looking for.

As Chris headed for the door with the bags, Joanne called, “Take my car, Chris.  It has more room for the wheelchair than yours, and Uncle Johnny’ll be more comfortable riding in it.”

“Okay!”

Five minutes later, Chris had the wheelchair in the LeBaron’s trunk and was helping Johnny slide into the front passenger seat.  His mother and grandmother had come out to the front yard to say goodbye.  He kissed both of them, giving his mom an extra long hug before rounding the car and getting in behind the wheel.

Joanne gave Johnny a small wave and a sad smile as Chris backed the LeBaron out of the driveway, that mirrored the small wave and sad smile he gave her in return.

~ ~ ~

The two men rode in heavy silence for a few minutes.  Johnny laid his head back against the seat, so damn tired of feeling like he had no way to help John.  Like he had no way to help anyone.  The only thing he did have were a few images in his head that left him uncertain as to if they were real or imagined.

It was when he had those thoughts that Johnny sat straight up.

“Pull over there, Chris.”

“Where?”

“Up there.  In front of that drug store.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.”

Chris reluctantly did as Johnny instructed.  The paramedic chief sucked in a harsh gasp of air as he leaned forward to get his wallet out of his back pocket. 

“Don’t hurt yourself.  Whatta’ you need?”

Johnny handed Chris three twenty-dollar bills.  “That should be enough.”

“Enough for what.”

“A pair of crutches.”

“Crutches?  You’re not supposed to be using crutches. You’re supposed to stay off of that leg and--”

“Chris, you sound just like your father. Better yet, you sound like Brackett.  Now go in and get me some crutches.”

“But--”

“Christopher, get me some crutches.”

“Okay, okay.  But I’m not taking the heat for this from my dad or Dr. Brackett.”

“Don’t worry.  Any heat over it will come my way, not yours.”

Chris gave a heavy sigh of frustration, but did as Johnny ordered.  He returned a few minutes later, laying a pair of stainless steel crutches in the LeBaron’s back seat.  He got behind the wheel again, checked to make sure the path was clear, and eased the car back into the flow of traffic.

“Turn left up here.”

“But I need to go right to get to your place.”

“We’re not going to my place.”

“Where are we going?”

“On a little road trip.”

“A road trip?”

“I wanna go to Nipton.”

“Uncle Johnny--”

“Chris, I wanna go to Nipton, and either you’re taking me there, or I’m gonna push you outta that seat and drive us there myself.”

Chris took his attention off the road long enough to eye Johnny.

“You’re serious about this, aren’t you?”

“I’ve never been more serious about anything in my life.  Yeah, Chris, I’m serious.”  Johnny looked out the front window as the words, “I need you to hide until I tell you it's safe, okay?" ran through his head. “I’ve gotta try and find your little brother.  I know it’s a long shot at this point, but I’ve gotta try.  I hope you understand.”

There was a long pause before Chris nodded.

“Yeah, Uncle Johnny, I understand.”  He turned left.  “To Nipton it is.”

Johnny settled back in the seat and did exactly what Brackett kept warning him not to do. Force more memories to come forth so he’d have some idea of where to start looking for John once they reached a lonely stretch of desert road a few miles outside of a little tourist town called Nipton.

­­­­­­ Chapter 39

John DeSoto stood in front of the shed, scanning the horizon.  He shaded his eyes with one hand, looking up and down the desolate road that ran in front of Cloud Jumper’s house.  He finally dropped the hand, gave a sound that was a cross between a sigh and a sob, then kicked at a stone with the toe of his shoe.

It had been hundreds of days ago now that Uncle Johnny had told him to hide. Or so it seemed to the boy.  By now, Uncle Johnny should have found him. Unless John had hidden too well.  But still, even if he had, Uncle Johnny’d promised to come get him, and Uncle Johnny never broke his promises.  Uncle Johnny would have looked and looked and looked until he found John.  Unless…what if Uncle Johnny had forgotten about him?  That was something that worried John a lot lately. What if they’d all forgotten about him?  Uncle Johnny, and his dad, and his mom, and Chris and Jenny.  What if he’d been gone so long that none of them remembered him?

John glanced over his shoulder. The shed doors were open, and Cloud Jumper stood behind the loom weaving another rug.  At first, it had been fun here at Cloud Jumper’s house, but now the adventure of being in a new place with new things to do was wearing thin.  There was no swing set in the backyard, and the toys were old and didn’t have a place to put batteries in them, and there was no TV, and no other kids to play with.  When John grew bored at home, he could always count on Jenny to play Candy Land or Chutes and Ladders with him. Or Chris would take him for a ride in the Pinto and they’d stop at McDonald’s for French fries and Cokes, or maybe go to the beach for a swim.  But Cloud Jumper had never heard of Candy Land, and he wouldn’t take John to McDonald’s the one time John asked, and he laughed when John suggested they go to the beach.

“There’s a lotta sand around here, Katori, but there sure aren’t any beaches.”

John hadn’t been certain what Cloud Jumper meant by that.  All he knew was that he’d never been in a place so hot in all of his life, and he longed to jump into the swimming pool at home with his friend, Kyle.

That morning, John had asked Cloud Jumper what day it was.  He’d said it was Sunday.  If John was at home, Sunday meant they went to church, and then went back to the house for a roast beef dinner with mashed potatoes and gravy.  It was one of John’s favorite meals, especially when his mom made apple pie for dessert.  He was growing tired of the endless peanut butter and jelly sandwiches Cloud Jumper fed him. Not that he didn’t like peanut butter, because he did.  He just didn’t like eating it every day of the week.

The other thing that Sundays often meant at home if John’s dad was off-duty, was a trip out to Uncle Johnny’s ranch.  John got to ride horses there, and play with Uncle Johnny’s dog Joe, and a lot of times his mom packed a picnic lunch and they ate with Uncle Johnny on the deck that faced the corral.  John wondered if everyone in his family was at Uncle Johnny’s right now having a picnic.  If they were, maybe someone would say, “Hey, I haven’t seen John for a while.  Where he is?” and then Uncle Johnny would remember that he’d told John to hide, and they’d all start looking for him.

The boy couldn’t stop the tear that sprang from each eye and ran down his cheeks when thinking of his family and Uncle Johnny.  He liked Cloud Jumper, but he wanted to go home.  He wanted to sleep in his own room again, and play with his own toys.  He wanted to be hugged by his mom, and carried on his dad’s shoulders, and watch the Three Stooges with Chris, and have Jenny read him a story before he went to sleep, and have Uncle Johnny pick him up and swing him through the air while saying, “Hey there, Little Pally. How’s my boy?”

John felt two calloused hands come to rest on his shoulders.  He turned and buried his face in the man’s waist. 

“I wanna go home, Cloud Jumper.  When will Uncle Johnny come for me?”

“Soon, Katori. Very soon.” 

A big hand patted John’s back while guiding him into the shed, just like John had noticed Cloud Jumper did every time he heard a plane or helicopter approaching. 

For the first time since coming here, John didn’t believe Cloud Jumper, which only made him cry harder as he clung to the old man and wished he were home.

­­­­­­ Chapter 40

Roy sat at his desk staring absently at the log book he was supposed to be filling in. They'd been toned out to a house fire right after roll call. A mother who'd been up most of the night with a fussy baby, then settled down on her couch in the living room with a cigarette and a cup of coffee, had then let her fatigue overcome her. A few hours later the house was gone, along with most of the neighbor’s garage. The mother and two of her children were at Rampart being treated for minor burns and smoke inhalation. Another child was in the burn unit fighting for his life. It was the same sad story so many times. One careless moment and you pay for it the rest of your life.

Roy's eyes were fixed on the blank page in the log book, but he wasn't seeing it. He was seeing the distraught father pulling up behind the many engines and ambulances. Obviously someone had gotten hold of him at work to tell him the news. He got out of his truck and stood there, his face full of shocked disbelief as he saw his whole life changed in an instant. It was an image Roy would always remember. It was a moment he could relate to all too well.

One careless moment.

Was that what happened coming home from the camping trip? Johnny made one careless decision to turn off the freeway? One impulsive action we're all gonna pay for? John most of all?

He sighed and rubbed at his eyes, tired with smoke and lack of sleep and tears that he wouldn't shed. When he stopped, and he could focus again, he tried once more to work on the log.

Okay, today's Sunday... August... August... what's the damn date?

He glanced over at the small calendar that he kept next to his nameplate and located the right day.

Sunday... Sunday, the 19^th.

He wrote the date down in the book, then paused, his mind doing the calculation instantly.

Almost two weeks.

It had been almost two weeks since they'd seen John. Two weeks that in one way seemed to have flown by far too quickly, and in another had dragged on endlessly. Two weeks in which he'd never felt so helpless; never felt like such a failure - as a father, as a husband.

He saw that failure every time he looked in a mirror; every time he looked at a picture of John, every time he looked in Joanne's eyes. She'd never come out and said anything; but the accusation was there plain enough every time she shut the door to John's room. Every time she shut him out.

He was John's father. He should have been able to keep his child safe. He should have been able to find him. Instead, he did nothing. He left John behind in the desert, came home and did nothing. At the time, shock and numbed disbelief had sent him into autopilot, allowing old habits to take over. His job was to take care of the sick and the injured. His first priority had been to help Johnny. The police were there. It was their job to search for John. Years of working in tandem with law enforcement had trained him to focus on his job, while allowing others to do theirs - without getting in each other's way.

Now, with time and distance letting him judge his actions in a harsher light, Roy wondered why he hadn't stayed. Why he hadn't insisted he be allowed to search. Certainly, as a parent, he would have been able to offer insight into where his son might have gone, or what he might have done if faced with a frightening situation.

But Roy had yet to participate in the manhunt. He knew that a great number of firefighters from L.A. County, Roy's own crew among them, had spent many off duty hours as part of the volunteer teams combing the area between San Bernardino and Barstow on the chance that John had somehow managed to sneak out of the Rover unnoticed by the two boys. And they weren't the only ones to offer their help. The fire departments from San Bernardino, Riverside and Orange County had all provided men to assist in whatever capacity they were needed. Everyone had done all they could, and more - except for Roy. He'd done nothing.

His eyes moved again to the calendar, silently counting off the days backward. Too many blank spaces. Too many days without knowing what had happened to John. His gaze traveled back to today, then past it; on to the days to come. They were the true unknown. All the blank spaces. Would one of them be the day John came home to them? Or would one of them be the day they found out the worst; that their son was dead?

Or would the days ahead be just like they appeared on the page - blank. No news, good or bad. No answers. No little boy to welcome home. No body to bury. No solace to a wife lost to grief. No comfort found in closure.

The sounds of his men talking out in the bay roused him from his dark thoughts. He could hear their muted voices as they went about the work required after a response like the one they'd been on. They were good guys and usually would be joking and laughing while doing their jobs. Of course, after a tough run like this one, they would all be a little subdued. But the tone Roy heard was even more restrained than today's run warranted, and he knew he was the reason. He knew his mood was affecting his crew, and that wasn't right. They needed to be able to let off steam; to kid each other; to talk and laugh and release the stress this job carried with it. They needed to be normal.

Normal. Roy wanted his life to be normal again. But he didn't know if that would be possible. Those blank days on the calendar had once been something they could count on, and weren't really blank at all.

There was a note on the space for a week from tomorrow, the 27^th of August. That was the day Chris would start college; a day Roy had been looking forward to for the last several years, it seemed. A day he had taken for granted would eventually come, but now would happen without the happiness and joy Roy had always anticipated it would bring.

The day next to it was circled and a time jotted down. 6:00 p.m. Roy frowned as he realized that the reminder was for Johnny's birthday dinner at their house. A regular event in the DeSoto home for years. Again, something they all took for granted would just happen. But, again, something that would now occur without the usual celebration.

Roy knew if he lifted the page to the next month he would find other reminders of days they were looking forward to; things they'd planned without ever thinking that life might change before they reached those days.

School, birthdays, doctor visits, hair cuts, dentist appointments, meetings - all the mundane things that filled up a life. Things you planned and you scheduled. And you never wondered if your life will suddenly be turned upside down before that day rolls around.

Roy heaved another weary sigh and made another attempt to fill in the log.

Received call for house fire at 0900 hours. Both engine and squad responded. Upon arrival found a one story ranch house fully involved...

The phone on his desk rang, interrupting his entry, and he remembered Captain Stanley's long standing complaint that he could never catch up on his paperwork. Roy had been a captain for less than a year, but he certainly could understand his former leader's sentiment. He reached for the phone with a slight smile for the sudden nostalgia that swept over him, and nearly answered the call with the wrong numbers.

"Station Fif... uh, Station 26, Captain DeSoto."

"Hi, honey, it's Mom."

Roy wasn't surprised to hear from his mother. Although she didn't normally call him at work, the past few weeks had been anything but normal. She'd come to the house every few days, usually staying to cook up something for dinner, even if she only put it in the refrigerator to be warmed up later. And she'd made sure she called Roy at least once each time he was on duty. He knew she'd planned on attending their church services today, so he figured she was calling from his house.

"Hi, Mom," Roy answered. "Back already?"

"Yes. And it was a really nice service, Roy. A lot of people were there. I wish Joanne had come."

"She didn't go?" He was disappointed that Jo hadn't been able to pull herself together enough to at least acknowledge the outpouring from their friends and neighbors, but he hadn't really expected that she would.

"No, and it's a shame, really. It would have done her good to see how much everyone cares about John."

"I guess she just wasn't up to it," he responded lamely. Roy didn't have much he could say that his mother didn't already know. Joanne would never have been able to handle that many people's well meant words of consolation.

"Well, it was nice anyway," Harriet continued, with a slight sniff that told Roy it hadn't been easy on his mother either. "But at least she was out here talking to Johnny when we got back. She's in the shower right now. I'm going to take her out to lunch... and maybe a movie, if she'll go along for that long."

Roy's heart lifted at bit at his mother's care and concern. "That's great, Mom. She needs to get out and think about other things for a while. How's Johnny doing? You said they were talking. That's sounds like progress."

There was the briefest moment of hesitation on the other end, and Roy suddenly knew something wasn't right. But his mother started talking before he could say anything.

"Johnny had Chris take him home, Roy."

"What?" Roy felt himself start to rise up from his desk, and managed to keep his seat. "What happened? Did Joanne..."

"Now, Roy," Harriet soothed, "it was Johnny's decision. You have to respect that. I don't know what went on between them, but Roy... Son, you have to know it wasn't easy for him to be here... for either of them. Maybe this is for the best."

"Mom, Johnny shouldn't be alone. He needs somebody to help him. He won't stay down..."

"It's all right, Roy. Chris is going to stay with him until he can get on his feet. And that was Joanne's idea."

"It was?" Surprise took the edge off of Roy's growing agitation. He wouldn't have thought his wife was in the frame of mind to think of anything besides her own grief right now.

"Yes." He could hear the smile in his mother's voice. "She insisted. And she was worried you might be upset with her."

"Mom..."

"Don't, 'Mom' me," Harriet chuckled. "Joanne said she would call you to let you know, but I'm not sure she really will. She feels bad about him leaving too. I just wanted you to know ahead of time so you wouldn’t come home in the morning and be surprised."

"And so I'll have time to calm down," Roy added with a wry grin.

"That too," Harriet agreed amiably.

"Thanks, Mom," Roy said warmly. "You've been a big help through all this."

Not like Joanne's mother, he wanted to add, but wisely didn't. His in-laws had made the trip up from San Diego only once so far, but it had been enough. Roy didn't think it was just familial bias on his part that he felt his mother had a better instinct about how to help in a crisis. When she came over, she pitched in; she found whatever needed doing and just did it. All Ada Stellman ever seemed to bring with her was contention and upheaval. Jo’s mother had come with much weeping and wailing and had only added to Joanne's distress.

In all the years they'd been married, Roy had never spoken harshly to his mother-in-law, despite her many snipes at him and his profession. He'd always felt it better to try and keep harmony in the family. In spite of her awareness of her mother's shortcomings, Joanne still loved the woman, and she was a wonderful grandmother to the kids. So Roy had always held his tongue and put up with her barbs, contenting himself with knowing that her visits were infrequent and usually short, which was a good thing for his jaw. It grew awfully sore from all the clenching he gave it while she was here.

This time, however, he had to speak his mind. Rather than confront Ada, who was distraught enough and would only grow hysterical about any perceived insult from Roy, he'd pulled his father-in-law aside and told him it would be better for all concerned if they didn't make the trip north again until they learned something more concrete about John.

George Stellman had never impressed Roy as being overly sensitive. He had little to say, and usually spent his time at the DeSoto house sitting on the deck smoking. But this time he nodded his head and took hold of Roy's shoulder.

"I think that's the best idea I've heard so far," he'd agreed readily. "I told Ada that Joanne didn't need her coming here and making things worse."

He then surprised his son-in-law by pulling him into an awkward hug. It was brief, and the older man let go and turned away, wiping gruffly at his eyes as he walked back into the house to tell his wife they were going home.

Roy had stood for nearly a full minute, too surprised to say anything, but George Stellman had just moved up many notches in the fire captain's opinion of him. Since that day Ada's contact with Joanne had been limited to phone calls; something Roy knew his father-in-law had a hand in, and for which he would be eternally grateful to the man.

Roy hung up with his mother, mulling over what they'd talked about. If Joanne was willing to go out for while, to get out of her self-imposed exile, then maybe life could get a little closer to what it was supposed to be. Maybe there was hope after all.

True, she hadn't been able to deal with having Johnny in the house, but maybe Roy had been asking too much of her too soon. From what his mother had said, at least Joanne had been out of John's room. At least she had been talking to Johnny. At least it was a start.

With a somewhat lighter heart, Roy once more attacked his log book.

Uhh... one story ranch house fully involved. Set up relay for engine 43...

The tones sounded abruptly, and Roy tossed his pen across his desk in disgust. Someday he would get caught up, but apparently today was not that day.

­­­­­­ Chapter 41

Despite his anxiousness to get to the place where he'd been attacked, once they were on the freeway the long monotonous drive to the desert lulled Johnny to sleep. Chris was glad, even though it meant a tedious trip without any conversation or company. Despite all the paramedic chief's claims to the contrary, Chris knew Johnny wasn't in the kind of shape to be making long treks, or spending hours in the hot sun, or using crutches to get around when Dr. Brackett had specifically instructed him not to for at least another week.

And aside from his still healing injuries, Chris figured Johnny probably hadn't been sleeping much the last week or so. It was a standing joke between Chris's dad and his long time partner, that if you wanted a good, long rest, the worst place to be was in a hospital. Between round the clock checks of your vital signs - which were fine while you were sleeping but naturally rose a bit at the abrupt awakening - the mysterious need to draw blood in the middle of the night, the absurdity of being woken up to take a sleeping pill, the constant in and out of nurses, and the general noise of a busy hospital floor, it was a wonder any patient managed to get enough rest to get better.

Coming home to the DeSoto house certainly hadn't been much of an improvement for the injured man. From the start, Chris felt it wasn't a good idea, but his dad had been set on it. The teen hadn't argued with him, knowing the last thing they needed in their home at the moment was contention. But it seemed rather obvious to him that his mother was harboring feelings of blame and anger toward their long time family friend. He knew Jen was aware of it as well, as was Aunt Eileen and even Grandma DeSoto. And whether or not it was rational, the fact remained that having Uncle Johnny in the house wasn't going to be easy on his mom. The only person who seemed oblivious to the tension was his dad.

That it wasn't going to work out had seemed apparent from almost the start, when they'd had to switch Johnny into Chris's room. Until that time, Chris had really only considered his mother's feelings in the matter. Knowing she was using John's room as a refuge of sorts, it came as no surprise that she wouldn't want Uncle Johnny in there. The only thing the teen hadn't understood was why his dad hadn't realized that from the beginning.

But sharing a room with someone allowed you access to their most private and vulnerable moments; the dark, silent hours when a person was the most alone. Chris had lost count of the number of times he'd awoken to the restless sounds of Johnny tossing and turning. And aside from the small moans that spoke of the pain and discomfort his uncle was still in, Chris had heard other noises. The soft sounds of troubled dreams. From the few coherent words Chris had picked out of the restless man's mumbling, he knew Johnny's sleep was plagued with thoughts of John, his long dead baby girl Jessie, as well as old nightmares of the time in the mountains when he'd fought off a madman to save Jen's life.

At those times Chris felt like an intruder, hearing things that weren't meant for anyone's ears. He would never say anything that would embarrass Johnny, but the teen did feel better seeing the dark head propped against the window and the face relaxed in slumber. If Johnny could grab a little rest now, that was all for the best. Chris wasn't sure how long they were going to be in Nipton, but he knew it wasn't going to be easy on the man beside him.

He also wasn't sure what his dad was going to say to him for going along with this and bringing Johnny out here. He supposed it was childish at his age to worry about whether or not his father would be mad about something he did. It wasn't like he was going to get spanked or grounded or any of the other things that might have happened to him as a kid. But Chris loved and respected his dad, and had always gone out of his way to be sure he made the kind of choices that Roy DeSoto would be proud of. Which was, of course, why he was starting college next week and not entering the fire academy like he so desperately wanted to.

Chris heaved a heavy sigh. Life had never been so damned complicated when he was John's age. His life at five had revolved around the swings, the sand box, peanut butter sandwiches and keeping an annoying little sister out of his hair.

But thinking of his missing baby brother made all the worry and frustration Chris felt over his future career options shrink in perspective. Nothing mattered more than finding John, and the thought of the little boy who alternately drove him crazy and warmed his heart being lost and afraid; possibly hurt or even dead, made Chris grow cold with dread.

It wasn't fair. John was still such a little kid. He should still be at home with Mom and Dad; his biggest concern what tonight's bedtime story would be. It was supposed to be his turn to think about nothing but swings and sandboxes and whether or not Uncle Johnny would drop by for dinner, which of course meant an evening of fun for a five year old. Chris still remembered those times for himself. He'd been about John's age when his dad and John Gage became partners.

From that day it seemed, Uncle Johnny had been a solid fixture in the DeSoto children's lives. He was a grown up sized playmate; an adult who never tired of pushing them in the swing, wasn't averse to getting right down in the mud with Chris to play army men or spending an hour or two holding Ken while Jen's Barbies modeled outfit after outfit for him. Uncle Johnny could twirl you around for what seemed like forever and never got too dizzy or too out of breath; at least until Dad made him sit down and take it easy for awhile because he was making him dizzy. Chris smiled at that, remembering how confused he and Jen used to get when their dad would make that statement. It wasn't until John was old enough to be the one demanding to be swung around the yard that Chris could appreciate their father's sentiment.

As he'd gotten older and considered himself too mature for kid stuff, he'd pulled away from the tussling and the swings, leaving that for Jennifer, who thoroughly enjoyed being the sole object of Uncle Johnny's attention. At first Chris had been a little envious, but eventually he'd found Uncle Johnny was still his good friend. Only now he was somebody a guy could talk to; an adult who really listened. Not that Chris's dad didn't listen or wasn't open and available for anything Chris needed to discuss, but sometimes it helped to have another man around who wasn't quite so emotionally involved; someone to run things by before he took them to Dad. And sometimes Uncle Johnny had a different slant on matters; could bring a different perspective to a problem, although he always made it clear that anything really important had to be brought to Roy's attention, and all their family's rules always applied.

When John came along it was only natural that Uncle Johnny play as much a part in the youngest DeSoto's life as he had in Chris and Jennifer's. Chris was old enough now not to be jealous as he watched his brother clamor to be picked up, or tossed giggling into the air, or when he saw the glow on John's face when Johnny called him "Little Pally,"

He felt the pressure of tears building up, and he swallowed to keep them at bay as his mind echoed the words of Pastor Lehman today, "... According to your faith be it unto you." Chris had gone to church with his mother and Jenny nearly every Sunday for as long as he could remember. His father accompanied them occasionally, if he was off, or on holidays, but usually it was just the three of them, and then later, after John was born, the four of them.

As a child he'd believed the Bible stories he'd been taught with unwavering acceptance, but the last few years Chris had started to wonder if the words he heard every week really meant anything. He had begun to think that sometimes the world seemed too cruel, too unfair for any of it to make sense. But today, sitting in the pew with his grandmother and Jenny, Chris realized he needed the words to be true. Today, for the first time in a long time, he had really listened to the sermon being given. And if there was any comfort to be found in the pastor's words, he was willing to grasp it.

According to your faith...

He had to have faith that his brother would be found alive and well, though with each passing day it was getting harder to keep believing that. But it had to happen. Chris didn't even want to think about what would become of their family if John was never found. He glanced over at Johnny and corrected himself. It wasn't just his family who would suffer. For all their sakes, they needed a miracle.

~ ~ ~

Uncle Johnny?

John? John, what are you doing here? I told you to hide.

I did... I did hide. I did just what you told me. But you said you'd find me. I'm waiting for you to find me.

I'm trying, kiddo, I'm trying. But I don't know where you are.

I'm right here, Uncle Johnny. Just like you told me. I've been waiting and waiting. Why aren't you coming to get me?

John... where are you, John? I... I can't see you.

I wanna go home, Uncle Johnny. Please come find me and take me home. Please, Uncle Johnny, please...

"Uncle Johnny?"

Johnny opened his eyes and jerked his head up from the window, wincing at the sudden movement.

"You okay?"

Johnny glanced over to see Chris behind the wheel, his blue eyes regarding him with concern. All at once he remembered where he was and why. He rubbed at his eyes, his heart still racing a bit from the vivid images.

"Uncle Johnny?"

The worry in the teen's voice let Johnny know that he'd probably been vocal during his dreaming, and he flushed self-consciously.

"I'm okay, Chris," he finally answered, though the lingering soreness in his back and shoulders protested the awkward position he'd been sleeping in. His head was throbbing a bit as well, but he'd almost grown used to the chronic headaches he'd been dealing with since his attack. His neurologist assured him they would lessen with time. He swiped a hand over his face to clear away the remaining grogginess. "I'm okay," he repeated, trying to reassure the young man next to him and erase the apprehension in Chris's face.

"Where are we?" he asked, sitting up a little straighter and managing not to grimace at the painful reminder of his half-healed ribs.

Chris only hesitated a moment before he answered, apparently satisfied for the time being and willing to move on to other matters.

"We just turned onto Nipton Road. I'm not sure I remember exactly how far Dad and I drove in. I thought maybe you could look around... see if..."

"If I remember anything?" Johnny snorted in self-deprecation. Nevertheless, he began to scan the passing desert scenery, hoping it would jog his stubborn memory; or at least make some sense out of the bits and pieces that were plaguing his subconscious.

The landscape was desolate and unchanging. A carpet of dirt, rocks, sagebrush and Joshua Trees rolled out for miles in all directions; ending only when they blended into the foothills of the blue-tinged mountains. Johnny stared into the distance and frowned. Even if the flashes he was getting were true, where could John possibly have hidden in this barren waste? What possibly could have made him think that sending the little boy out alone into this hostile environment was the safest choice?

"Does any of this look familiar?" Chris asked, bringing Johnny's attention back inside the car.

The paramedic chief sighed softly. "Not particularly," he muttered. He'd only now realized that Chris had slowed down to allow him a better look. "It all looks the same to me."

"If it helps any, it does to me too," Chris said with a slight chuckle.

Johnny flashed the boy a weak smile, knowing the remark was meant to make him feel better. "Why don't you stop... let me take a look around."

"Sounds good to me." Chris pulled over and shut off the engine. "I don't think we went much farther than this anyway."

Johnny pulled on the handle and pushed the door open, only to be hit full blast with the desert heat. It was heavy, dragging at him and stooping his shoulders as he tried to climb out of the car. He wouldn't have made it if Chris hadn't suddenly shown up at his side, the new crutches in his hand.

"Here, let me help."

As much as he hated having to depend on anyone, Johnny allowed Chris to support him as he stood on his good leg and maneuvered the crutches into place under his arms. He tested their fit as he gained his balance, putting his full weight on them for the first time, then took a few tentative steps.

"Is your arm okay?"

Johnny stopped, leaned on the crutches and flexed the fingers on his casted arm. He could feel a bit of a strain, but it wasn't bad.

"Seems all right." He gripped the hand holds and stepped forward again. Chris stayed behind him, not hovering, but ready to step up and help if he was needed.

Johnny hobbled along, his eyes squinting in the glare of the sun, the crutches crunching in the dirt and gravel that lined the roadside. He didn't get very far before he had to stop, already breathless and sweating. Walking like this was actually harder on his bruised back and shoulders than his arm, and his labored effort to catch his breath was causing him to clutch at his tender ribs. He knew that his discomfort was obvious, but Johnny would forever be grateful to Chris that the boy kept behind him and made no move to try and help.

After a moment he was able to breathe without pain and he focused on the surrounding area. It was so vast, so empty. He knew it was an illusion. There was plenty of life out there. But it was life that had taken thousands of years to adapt to this harsh environment. There was no way a five-year-old child would be able to survive on his own here.

Don't go gettin' too friendly with any snakes.

I won't, Katori.

The words flashed through his mind in an instant, only there a fleeting moment, then gone before he could grab onto them. He squeezed his eyes tightly against the painful emptiness the words left in their wake, struggling to make them stay; to put an image with them. But not matter how hard he concentrated, nothing more would come. He couldn't even see John's face.

The hand on his shoulder startled him and he jerked his head up to see Chris standing beside him.

"You okay? Maybe this wasn't such a great idea."

Knowing he was probably frightening the teen, Johnny made an effort to relax. It wasn't easy, but he was eventually able to give Chris what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

"I'm all right."

Chris removed his hand, but the look on his face reminded Johnny so much of Roy that his smile grew less forced.

"Ease up a little, Sport," he teased. "You're too young for gray hairs. Besides, that's your dad's job."

Chris grinned broadly as they both acknowledged Roy's penchant for worry. After a time, Johnny turned his gaze back to the desert and his good humor faded. Again he was struck by how desolate it was out here. He had no way to know if this was the exact spot where he was attacked, but he was struck suddenly by the fact that it really didn't matter. Up the road or down; one mile or five; nothing changed. It was all just the same, hot, dry and empty.

Empty. Johnny scowled at the expanse of desert, and something finally crystallized in his brain. He turned to regard Chris quizzically.

"Where is everybody?"

The teen looked blank for a moment, then Johnny could see the discouragement wash over him as he understood what he was being asked.

"It's been almost two weeks." Chris shrugged uneasily and kicked at the dirt at his feet. "I heard Dad talking to the detective in charge about it. I guess they had to scale back on the man hours."

"Scale back?" Johnny's voice rose with his incredulity. "Looks like they damn well shut it down."

Chris shook his head. "They said they're still looking... they haven't given up."

There was something left hanging that Chris didn't say, and Johnny felt something heavy settle in his gut when he figured out what it was.

"Who's given up, Chris?"

Chris was silent for a long time, then he shrugged again. "I dunno... Mom just sits in John's room. Dad spends his time at work, and when he's home, he's always trying to get Mom to come out and be part of the family. They don't even talk about John. It's like... it's like they're trying to pretend nothing happened."

Chris shoved his hands in his jeans’ pockets and turned to stare at the distant mountains.

"But something did happen, Uncle Johnny. And all the pretending in the world can't change that. Sometimes I wish one of them would just scream or yell or throw something... just get mad instead of always trying to hide what I know they're feeling. It's driving me nuts 'cause I feel like I can't show what I'm feeling in front of them. And I know Jen's going through the same thing. She hardly spends any time at home anymore. It's too hard."

He fell silent, his fair face flushed self-consciously at his outburst. Johnny leaned on his crutches and rested a comforting hand on Chris's shoulder. He knew the last two weeks hadn't been easy on any of the DeSotos, and the few days he'd spent at Roy's had only made him more aware of their pain.

Pain that I caused. Pain I can't do a goddamn thing to erase.

But he could help right now. Right now Chris was hurting. Wallowing in self-pity seemed pretty selfish. Disgusted at himself, Johnny shoved his own guilt to the back of his mind to deal with later and struggled to find something reassuring to say.

"I know it seems like everybody's floundering right now, Chris. But your family's strong. You guys will get through this."

His words sounded hollow, like the platitudes they were. Silently cursing his inability to do anything right, Johnny settled for increasing the pressure on Chris's shoulder. It seemed sadly inadequate to him, but Chris responded to it. He lifted his head and there was a quiet smile there.

Seeing it, Johnny suddenly knew that there was nothing he could do here. No matter how much he wanted to be able to find John and bring him home; to walk through Roy's front door and hand Joanne her son, he suddenly knew he wasn't going to be able to do that. He didn't know what this was going to do to his life; to his friendship with Roy and Joanne. But perhaps right now he could settle for being there for Chris and Jenny. Right now they needed an adult to be there for them, and their parents weren't yet capable of doing that. Maybe if Johnny could step in until Roy and Joanne were able to resume that role, then maybe he could help their family hold it together. Maybe that would help make up for what Johnny had taken away from them.

"Let's go home, Chris."

Johnny turned and began to shuffle back to the car. Chris followed silently and helped his uncle get into the front seat, then took the crutches and put them in the back. In a short time they were turned around and headed back towards the freeway. Johnny gazed out the window and resisted the temptation to turn around and stare at the place they were leaving behind.

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