Chapter 60

 

 “Push, Ashton! Push!”

 

“I am pushing!”

 

“Well push harder!” Doctor Covelli urged.  “I’ve got one shoulder. Give me the other one.”

 

“I can’t!”

 

“Yes you can,” the doctor said, echoed by Johnny’s soft, “You can do it, Ashton.  Come on, push.”

 

The woman’s feet were in stirrups, her upper body in a half-seated position on the delivery table.  She threw her head back against the pillows, squeezing her eyes shut and groaning while straining to push in time to a powerful contraction.  Johnny stood by Ashton’s head offering encouragement. She clenched his left hand with an intensity that barely allowed him to wiggle his fingertips. 

 

Johnny glanced up at the delivery room clock.  2:24 p.m.  They’d arrived at the hospital at quarter to six that morning.  It was ten-thirty before Ashton’s labor started in earnest.  Johnny hadn’t been sure what to expect from her at that time.  Considering she didn’t want to be pregnant, and considering she’d just told him a few hours earlier that she didn’t love him, he figured she’d be calling him a bastard with every strong pain while vowing to kill him before this was all over with.  He’d heard of other women saying things like that when in labor, and they supposedly loved their mates.  Therefore, he’d steeled himself to be on the receiving end of mountains of verbal abuse. But that’s not what happened. 

 

Whether Ashton kept herself in-check because she was surrounded by co-workers, or whether screaming obscenities while in labor wasn’t what women of Rockefeller heritage did, Johnny wasn’t certain.  He decided not to question her stoic reaction, and instead be thankful that everything that had gone wrong in their relationship wasn’t publicly aired at the top of her lungs. After all, he too was among co-workers in a sense.  He’d been with the Denver Fire Department for almost seven years now.  Because of that, he knew the Emergency Room staff well, and because of his long relationship with Ashton, he knew a number of other doctors and nurses in the hospital.  Although he rarely encountered anyone from the Labor and Delivery floor, gossip traveled quickly, so if Ashton started cussing him out and saying she didn’t love him and had never wanted to have his baby in the first place, that news would reach the ER staff long before the child was born.

 

Since that’s not how the day played out, for once Johnny found himself silently thanking Margaret for Ashton’s haughty upbringing and good breeding.  Ashton even allowed Johnny to do what little he could for her throughout the morning and into the early afternoon.  Bring her ice chips.  Rub her back.  Change the channel on the TV set.  Anyone casually observing them wouldn’t have guessed their relationship had been on a downhill slide for over a year, and that Ashton didn’t want the child she was soon to give birth to, nor love the man who’d fathered it.

 

            They’d been in the delivery room for twenty minutes now.  Johnny’s medical knowledge allowed him the assurance that things were progressing smoothly, with Ashton’s vitals signs and the baby’s vitals remaining strong and within normal ranges.  Once again, he urged along with the doctor, “Push, Ashton.  Come on, you can do it.  Push!”

 

            “Push, Ashton!” Doctor Covelli commanded. “One more big push and it’ll be all over!”

 

            “It better be,” Ashton muttered through gritted teeth.  Johnny supported her back as she struggled to sit up again. Her face contorted with either pain or concentration, Johnny wasn’t sure which, as she pushed so hard her legs shook.  “Oh God!  Oh God!  Oh God!”  For the first time since arriving at the hospital she let some of her guard down. “This sucks!  It really sucks, John!  It sucks like you wouldn’t believe!”

 

            “I know,” Johnny soothed, “but you’re almost done.  Push. Just keep pushing.”

 

            Johnny expected to hear Doctor Covelli telling Ashton to push again, but instead, he heard a triumphant, “Got it!” followed by the hardy squall of a newborn who sounded furious over being forced from the comfort of his mother’s womb.

 

            Johnny heard the chuckle in the doctor’s voice. “Goodness, but does this young man have a temper.”   She looked from Johnny to the exhausted Ashton. “And just who does he get that from?”

 

            Johnny pointed a finger at Ashton, while at the same time she pointed a weak one at him. The doctor chuckled again, then held the baby up by his ankles to give the new parents their first look at their bloody child with his mouth wide open, face screwed into an angry knot, and tiny fists flailing.

 

            It wasn’t until then that the phrase Doctor Covelli had used to refer to the baby –“young man” – registered with Johnny. His astonishment was plain to hear.

 

“It’s a boy?”

 

“Looks like one to me,” the doctor teased.

 

“A boy,” Johnny murmured as a grin spread across his face he couldn’t have suppressed even if someone had held a gun to his head.  “A boy.  It’s a boy.”

 

Johnny’d heard it said that every man wanted a son.  He’d never thought too much about that old saying however, because when Jessie was born the song “Thank Heaven for Little Girls” summed up just how he felt about having a daughter.  Because he’d been so certain Ashton would present him with another daughter, he’d been focused on making sure he didn’t think of her as a replacement for Jessie, but rather a child with her own individual personality, features, temperament, and likes and dislikes.  He hadn’t given consideration to how he’d feel if the baby were a boy. A boy.  Johnny was the father of a son.  He was so taken by surprise that he found himself staring at the naked child just to make certain he’d heard the doctor correctly.

 

He turned and kissed Ashton on the forehead, gently brushing her sweat soaked hair from her face.  “A boy.  We have a boy.”

 

She gave him a tender smile. The kind he hadn’t been the recipient of in many months now.  “I see that.”    

 

“He’s beautiful.”

 

Ashton glanced at the baby now resting on her stomach.  “He looks just like you.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Yes.”

 

Johnny studied the child.  He didn’t see any of Ashton’s features in him, but then, Johnny didn’t exactly see any of his features either, other than the coal black hair matted to the baby’s head.  All he saw was a bloody newborn who could have belonged to anyone at this point.  Maybe when he was cleaned up, Johnny would see more of himself in the child.  Maybe even a little bit of Jessie, since everyone had always said she looked just like him.  None of that really mattered though. Johnny didn’t care who his son looked like – his side of the family, Ashton’s side of the family, or a little bit of both – the only thing of importance was that the child was healthy.

 

            Doctor Covelli handed Johnny a pair of scissors and had him cut the cord, then a nurse suctioned the remaining secretions from the baby’s nose and mouth that his crying hadn’t dislodged. The baby was then wiped off, wrapped in a warm towel, and handed to Johnny. While Ashton remained in the delivery room to be cleaned up and stitched, Johnny followed a nurse to a room down the hall where he helped the woman wash the baby, weigh him, measure him, and press his tiny footprints onto a birth certificate that would be completed later.

 

            After the baby was taken to the nursery, Johnny was given a wristband identifying him as the child’s father.  He’d have to display it any time he requested the baby be allowed to leave the nursery with him. A nurse then went over instructions on the security procedures in place to prevent anyone from leaving the floor with a baby, and told Johnny where the Parents’ Lounge was located. 

 

            “You can take the baby in there any time you want to, Mr. Gage, as long as either the mother or a nurse know that’s where you have the child.  Otherwise, we ask that you don’t take him from the mother’s room unless you’re bringing him back to the nursery.”

 

            “All right.”

 

Once those things were out of the way, Johnny was directed to the nurses’ lounge and told to use the phone there to make all the calls he wanted to. Being Doctor Riley’s “significant other” proved to be a plus in this case.  Any other new father would have had to use the payphone in the hall to announce his baby’s arrival to family and friends.

 

The lounge was empty when Johnny entered.  He could barely contain his excitement as he waited for his call to Montana to connect in his father’s home.  Chad answered on the second ring.  He barely got his “Hello,” out before Johnny declared, “Dad, you’ve got a grandson!”

 

            “I’ve got a what?”

 

            “A grandson!” Johnny announced to his astonished father.  Evidently Chad had been expecting a girl as well. “Seven pounds six ounces, twenty one inches long, and a set of lungs on him like you wouldn’t believe.”

 

            “Sounds just like his father.”

 

            Johnny laughed. “Maybe.”

 

            “I hope so, because you deserve the same sleepless nights I had walking a screaming baby boy up and down the hallway.  Your mother said it was colic.  I told her if she’d quit picking you up every time you cried, you wouldn’t be so spoiled.”

 

            Johnny smiled. He’d heard this story numerous times.  And if he was now going to be paid back for all the times his dad walked the floor with him in the middle of the night, then so be it. Johnny couldn’t be happier at the thought.    

 

            “Did Ashton come through it all right?”

 

            “Yeah. She’s fine.”

 

            “And the baby? My grandson’s healthy?”

 

            “Healthy as a horse.”

 

            “Now that’s something I understand.”

 

            Chad called to Marietta and told her to pick up the phone in the bedroom. Johnny repeated the information he’d just told his father, then asked his dad to give Reah and his grandfather the news.

 

            “Sure will,” Chad promised. “I’ll call ‘em as soon as we hang up. When do you want me and Marietta to come out there? Our offer to help still stands.”

 

            Johnny’s father still wasn’t aware of his problems with Ashton.  Several months earlier, he and Marietta had said they’d come stay for a week or two after the baby was born and help out in any way they could if Johnny and Ashton wanted them to.  For now, all Johnny said was, “I’ll let you know, Dad.  Let me…us…let us get settled and have a few days to adjust to things.”

 

            “Just don’t make me wait too long. I wanna see my grandson before he’s walking.”

 

            “You will,” Johnny promised with a laugh.  “Long before he’s walking, believe me. I’ll call you in a couple of days and let you know what’ll work best.”

 

            “Okay. We’ll be waiting to hear from you.”

 

            Before Johnny could say goodbye, Marietta’s voice came over the line again.

 

“John, what’s the baby’s name?”

 

            “He doesn’t have one yet.”

 

            “No?”

 

            “Uh huh.  Ashton and I need to talk about that.”

 

            “I should say so.  The poor little guy needs a name.”

 

            “I know he does,” Johnny agreed.  “That’s on my list of things to get done.”

 

            “I hope it’s high on your list.”

 

            Johnny chuckled at the woman’s teasing. “It is.”

 

            Johnny told his father and stepmother goodbye, disconnected the call, then phoned Greg.  They were off-duty today, so after sharing the good news with his partner he phoned Lee Marshall.  That call held two purposes.  To inform his captain of the baby’s birth, and to let the man know he’d now be taking the three weeks of vacation time he’d banked for this event.

 

            Lee offered Johnny his congratulations, promised he’d let the rest of the crew know about the baby’s birth, and agreed to the time off Johnny had prearranged with him.

 

            “You bring that boy by the station and show him off whenever you think he’s ready to venture out into the world.”

 

            “Will do, Cap.  If the doctor thinks it’s okay, I’ll stop by with him one day next week.”

 

            “We’ll look forward to it.  As the father of two sons, I know just how you feel right now, John.”

 

            “Like I’m walking on a cloud.”

 

            “Yep, that’s just how I felt when both of my boys were born.  Enjoy it while you can. All too soon he’ll be fifteen, and you’ll be tempted to stuff a rag in his mouth on some days.”

 

            “I’m sure I will be,” Johnny laughed.  “But right now, I’m just gonna take it one day at a time and have fun with my little boy.”

 

            “You do that.  Believe me, the time goes by too fast.  Before you know it, you’ll be sending him off to college and wondering where the years went.”

 

            “I’m sure I will be. Thanks for everything, Cap. See ya’ soon.”

 

            Johnny disconnected that call.  He sat on the couch beside the phone, wondering if he should call Ashton’s parents next.  He finally decided not to.  Given all the unknowns between himself and Ashton right now, he’d let her give them the news of the baby’s arrival.

 

            Even though he’d been gone from L.A. for almost seven years and hadn’t spoken to any of the DeSotos during that time, Johnny had a strong urge to call Roy and Joanne and tell them he’d just become the father of a healthy baby boy.  The desire to share the news with them was overwhelming, but not so overwhelming that he actually placed that call. Roy wouldn’t want to hear from him, and aside from that, what was going on in his life no doubt meant little to Jo and the kids now. He’d been gone so long that Chris and Jenny probably never thought of him, and John probably didn’t remember him.  It was a sad fact of life that time and distance could wash away even the strongest of bonds. 

 

            Johnny stood and exited the lounge as two nurses entered for their afternoon break.  He stopped at the nursery, looking through glass and scanning the bassinets until he saw a card that read Baby Gage above an infant wrapped in a blue and white striped receiving blanket and wearing a blue knit cap. 

 

            “Well, Baby Gage,” the new father said, “we gotta do better than that for you.  I’m gonna go talk to your mom right now and get you a proper name.  Let’s both hope she doesn’t want something highfalutin like Rockefeller Gage, or Kennedy Gage, or something like that.  I promise I’ll do my best to talk her out of anything that makes it sound like you’re gonna spend your weekends playing polo at some fancy country club on Long Island.”

 

            Ashton was sound asleep when Johnny arrived at the private room a nurse directed him to. 

 

            So much for settling on a name for our son.

 

            He quietly crossed the floor to where her bag was sitting between the closet and small dresser.  He unzipped it, got his camera out, and returned to the nursery.  He used up a roll of film snapping picture after picture of his newborn boy.  He returned to Ashton’s room, put the camera away without disturbing her sleep, exited, and stopped at the nurses’ station.

 

            “If Ashton wakes up, would you let her know I left for a while to get something to eat.”

 

            “Sure, Mr. Gage,” a nurse smiled. “We’ll let her know.”

 

            “Thanks.”

 

            Johnny’s last meal had been at six o’clock the previous evening.  He was beyond starving, and felt like his stomach was trying to chew its way through to his backbone.  He bypassed the hospital cafeteria, walking out the lobby doors, turning left, and heading through the parking lot and down the sidewalk to a restaurant he ate at every so often with some of the guys after paramedic meetings.  They served breakfast twenty-four hours a day, which was exactly what Johnny was in the mood for, despite the fact that it was late afternoon. 

 

He entered the quiet establishment.  Due to the time of day, there was only a smattering of patrons.  The cooks’ chatter drifted out from the kitchen, and three waitresses were clustered together by the cash register talking. Johnny chose a corner booth, ordering pancakes, bacon, scrambled eggs, hash browns, toast, and a large glass of milk.  He wanted to shout, “Hey, I’ve got a son!  I’ve got a brand new baby boy!” but refrained from making a spectacle of himself.  He couldn’t keep from mentioning his son’s birth to his waitress though, who was polite enough to act genuinely interested and ask all the right questions, like if the baby was healthy, how much he weighed, how long he was, and what his name was.  When Johnny said he didn’t have a name, she made a game of collecting suggestions from the other customers, the waitresses and cooks.  Johnny accepted the napkin she handed him with a list of names scrawled on it.  He read through the names, didn’t see any that he particularly liked or seemed to fit the baby sleeping in the hospital’s nursery, but folded the list and put in his shirt pocket as though it was worth consulting again because he didn’t want to hurt the woman’s feelings.    

 

“Thank you.  Maybe his mother and I’ll use one of these.”

 

“Either way, congratulations on your new baby boy.”

 

Johnny couldn’t help but grin like a fool at the phrase “new baby boy.”  

 

“Thanks.”

 

Johnny stood up and grabbed that day’s edition of the Denver Post from a rack in the corner where numerous papers were kept. 

 

The paramedic read until his food arrived.  He folded it, pushed it aside, and ate with the kind of ravenous appetite he hadn’t possessed in several months now.  When he was finished, he asked for a refill on his milk. After the waitress took his empty plates away, Johnny sat drinking his second glass of milk while he finished reading the paper.  It felt good to sit down and relax.  Aside from not having eaten since the previous evening, he also hadn’t sleep much.  He’d gone to bed at ten, but had woken up shortly after midnight. It was then he’d realized Ashton wasn’t home yet and had called the hospital in an effort to locate her. When he’d been told she’d left at nine-thirty, he was awake the rest of the night worrying about her and wondering where she was.  He’d have returned to bed after their early morning fight had she not gone into labor.  Now that his stomach was full, a long nap sounded good.  He looked at his watch. It was twenty minutes after five. He didn’t have time to go home and take a nap, but if nothing else, he could probably be headed to the condo by eight-thirty and get a good night’s sleep before returning to the hospital to visit Ashton and the baby tomorrow.

 

Johnny stayed at the restaurant until the supper crowd started to arrive at six. He stood, left a tip on the table, returned the newspaper to the rack, and paid his bill at the cash register on his way out.  He took his time walking back to the hospital, enjoying the spring air and one of the first evenings of the season when you didn’t need to wear a jacket.   

 

The paramedic entered Central Hospital through the Emergency Room.  He hung around the nurses’ station for the next half hour, soaking up congratulations from the staff that had grown to become friends in the same way Rampart’s ER staff had. He felt a tug of sentimental longing to call Dixie. Boy, wouldn’t she be surprised when he announced, “Hey, Dix, this is Johnny!  Guess what?  I’ve just become the father of a baby boy!”

 

But for a lot of reasons, Johnny couldn’t make that phone call any more than he could call the DeSotos.  Too many years had passed to try and reconnect with his friends in L.A. now.  In addition to that, he’d always vowed he wouldn’t come between Roy and his kids. Even though he doubted Chris and Jen gave him even a fleeting thought, he couldn’t risk them finding out where he lived.  So he resisted the urge to call Dixie, basked a little longer in the attention showered on him by the ER nurses, promised he’d bring his son down to see them when the baby was released from the hospital on Friday morning, and then headed to the gift shop.  He bought the baby his first teddy bear, paying an outrageous price for it but not caring that he could have picked up the same exact toy at Wal-Mart for half the cost.  His next purchase was a large vase of flowers for Ashton.  A lot of men might not have been so generous considering the things she’d said to him that morning, but again, he didn’t care.  She’d presented him with a beautiful boy.  For that alone she deserved some show of gratitude.

 

Johnny stopped by the nursery on his way to Ashton’s room, but his son’s bassinet was missing.  Just as he was about to panic, thinking something was wrong with the baby or he’d been kidnapped, a sympathetic nurse with a kind smile who must have recognized the paranoid thoughts of a new father pointed down the hall. 

 

“He’s with his mother, Mr. Gage.”

 

Johnny smiled with relief. “Thanks.  Guess I gotta learn not to worry every time he’s out of my sight.”

 

“You can try, but don’t count on ever mastering it,” the woman said with an authority that led Johnny to conclude she had children of her own.

 

Johnny hurried down the hall to Ashton’s room, anxious to see his son.  He’d only been gone a couple of hours, but it felt like he’d been separated from the baby for days.

 

The door was closed when he arrived.  He knocked twice, then opened it and poked his head in.  Ashton was sitting up in bed with the baby sleeping in her arms.  She wasn’t wearing a hospital gown any longer; dressed now in the pajamas Johnny had packed for her.  He could tell she’d showered while he was gone.  She was wearing a fresh application of makeup, and her hair was pulled back in a French braid.  She must have eaten too, because a supper tray with a few bites of food left on it sat on the bedside tray that Ashton had wheeled out of her way.  He pushed the door open with one shoulder and let it swing shut behind him with a soft “thud.” 

 

With the vase in one hand and the teddy bear in the other, he crossed to the bed.  He bent and kissed the top of her head.

 

“Thank you.”

 

“For what?”

 

“Our son.”

 

Ashton didn’t reply as Johnny sat the vase and bear on the top of the dresser across from the bed.  She studied the flowers a moment, then said, “You didn’t have to get me anything.”

 

“Considering you gave me the best possible present you could have at two twenty-nine this afternoon, yeah, I did have to get you something.  Sorry it couldn’t have been something bigger and better.”

 

“Like what?”

 

Johnny shrugged.  “I dunno.  A new Mercedes maybe?”

 

Ashton chuckled, but the sound was hollow, as though she was only laughing at Johnny’s joke because she knew he expected her to.

 

Johnny sat down in the chair next to Ashton’s bed.  “I didn’t call your folks.  I wasn’t sure if you wanted me to, or if you plan on telling them.”

 

“I’ll…I’ll call them.  Did you call your dad?”

 

Johnny grinned. “Yeah. He’s almost as thrilled as I am.”

 

“I’m sure he is.”

 

Johnny peered at the sleeping bundle in Ashton’s arms.  Now that the baby was clean and his skin tone more normal than the blotchy red it had been right after his birth, Johnny thought that maybe he could see some resemblance to himself.  He was still wearing his little blue stocking cap, but wisps of thick unruly black hair were sticking out and headed in five different directions.

 

He’s definitely got my hair, Johnny thought with a laugh.  I bet when he gets older the ends will curl if it gets long.  You’ll hate that, little guy.  Sorry about passing that trait on to you.

 

Johnny reached out two fingers and rubbed them over the baby’s smooth cheek. 

 

“We need to pick out a name for this young man.”

 

“I told you that you can name him whatever you want to.”

 

The man drew his attention from his son to the boy’s mother. “I don’t wanna do that without your input, Ashton.  He’s yours too, you know.”

 

“No he’s not.”

 

“What?”

 

            She thrust the baby toward him as though the child suddenly meant nothing more to her than a sack of flour.  “Here. He’s yours. You wanted him, you raise him.”

 

            “But--”

 

           “No buts.” Ashton turned her face away from Johnny, but not before he saw the tears in her eyes. “This...this isn't easy for me, but I know...hell, John, I'll be a crappy mother. I never even played with dolls when I was a kid. I never even played with other kids when I was a kid. My mother says I was born a grown-up, and in a lot of ways I guess she's right. You'll...you'll give him everything he needs. The love...the love and attention a little boy needs to grow up to be a good man.”

            “So this means what?” Johnny asked while holding the sleeping infant in his arms.

 

            Ashton swiped at her eyes, then turned to look at him.  “It means I'm not coming back to the condo. I'll be moving in with a friend for the time being. In two months I head to New York to take a position with Metropolitan Hospital. Before I leave I'll see a lawyer. I'll grant you full custody of the baby.”

Johnny sat there with his mouth hanging open.  He hadn’t been sure what to expect from her when it came to their future, but now that the baby was here, now that he was a living, tangible being they’d created together, he was stunned at how easily she was willing to walk away from her child. 

 

“Ashton, we can work something out.  Come and stay at the condo for a while.  At least until you’re ready to move to New York.  We can discuss joint custody of some kind then.  You don’t have to--”

 

“Yes I do, John.  Yes, I do.”

 

“But why?”

 

“Because it’ll be easier on you,” her eyes traveled the baby, “and on him, if I’m never a part of his life.  I’ll pay all the attorney fees.  It won’t cost you a dime, and in the end, he’ll be all yours to raise however you see fit. I won’t even ask for visitation. It’ll be as though I never existed.”

 

Johnny sat there for a few seconds, the only sounds in the room the soft coos and tiny squeaks the baby made in his sleep.

 

When the paramedic finally found his voice, he said, “There’s one problem with that.”

 

“What?”

 

“I’ll always know you existed, and some day your son will know it too.  What am I supposed to tell him when he asks me why he never sees his mother, Ashton?  Just what am I supposed to tell him?”

 

Johnny didn’t wait for her answer.  He stood and headed for the door with the baby in his arms, leaving the room without a backwards glance.  Johnny walked down the hall to the Parents’ Lounge where he sat alone rocking his son and wondering if he was up to the job of being both father and mother to this child, who in Johnny’s opinion, deserved nothing but the best of what the world had to offer.

 

Johnny kissed the tiny nose, then an ear, then the baby’s forehead. 

 

“Don’t you worry, kiddo,” he whispered with a confidence he wasn’t feeling.  “We’ll get through this together. Somehow your old man and you will get through this just fine.”

 

Johnny reluctantly returned the baby to the nursery when a nurse came to collect him at eight o’clock.  He left the hospital after seeing his child safely settled into the bassinet that was brought by a nurse’s aid from Ashton’s room.  He didn’t stop in and see Ashton before heading home.  He was done begging her to marry him.  He was done begging her to be a mother to their child.  He was done begging her for anything, and just wanted to return to the condo and get some much-needed sleep before facing his first full day of parenthood alone.

 

Chapter 61

 

Johnny avoided Ashton on Thursday, which was easy to do since she didn’t leave her room, and he didn’t venture into it.  He arrived at the hospital at nine, taking full advantage of the policy allowing fathers to remain on the maternity floor as long as they wanted to.  He spent most of the day with the baby in the Parents’ Lounge. From a helpful nurse, Johnny received a refresher course in changing diapers, bottle feeding, burping, bathing, and getting squirming little arms and legs into clothing.  Several nurses and a couple of the doctors from the ER came up to see Johnny and the baby.  When anyone asked where Ashton was, he replied, “Catching up on her sleep.”

 

After Johnny returned from eating lunch in the cafeteria, he got the baby from the nursery and entered the lounge once more.  He shared it with a young couple and their day old baby girl for the next hour. They’d just gotten up to leave when a nurse entered carrying a clipboard and a pen.  She smiled as she approached Johnny.

 

“Doctor Riley said I’d probably find you here.”

 

Johnny still hadn’t seen Ashton, but it was logical for her to assume he was in the lounge with the baby.  According to the rules, the only other place he could be with the infant was in her room, and he sure had no intention of going there.

 

The nurse perched on one end of the couch.  Johnny remained seated in the rocking chair next to her, slowly rocking back and forth as the baby slept in his arms.

 

“He doesn’t cause much of a fuss, does he,” the nurse commented, smiling at the content infant.

 

“He can. You just missed the twenty minute crying session that finally wore him out.”

 

“They all like to have a few of those every day when they’re this young.”

 

“Thanks for the warning.”

 

With a teasing lilt to her voice, she responded, “You’re welcome.”  The woman looked down at her clipboard.  “This is the baby’s birth certificate.  We need to complete it.”

 

Johnny glanced over at the thick parchment-like cream-colored sheet.  He could see Ashton’s signature on it under Mother’s Name, and Doctor Covelli’s signature under Attending Physician.  The date and time of birth were recorded, as was the baby’s birth weight and length. The little footprints Johnny had helped stamp on the document were present as well. 

 

“I need your signature on the line beneath where your name was printed by the computer.”

 

Johnny reached for the clipboard the woman held out to him. While she steadied it, he signed his name without waking the child in his arms.  When he was finished, he returned the pen to the nurse and sat back in the rocking chair again.

 

  And last but not least, I’ll need this little guy’s name.”

 

“His name?”

 

The woman nodded.  “He can’t leave the hospital without one.”

 

“Oh.  Well…I…his mother and I haven’t decided on one yet.”

 

“Can you decide this afternoon?”

 

“Uh…yeah. Yeah. Guess we’ll have to if he’s gotta have a name before he leaves here tomorrow morning.”

 

“How about if I give you some time to talk to Doctor Riley about it.  I’ll track you down again in an hour or so.  Is that all right?”

 

“Sure. Thanks.”

 

“No problem.”

 

The woman stood, taking her clipboard with her.  Johnny remained in the lounge, knowing there was no reason to discuss the baby’s name with Ashton.  She’d made it clear she wanted no part of her child, and that everything from naming him to raising him was Johnny’s responsibility.

 

The paramedic looked down at the sleeping bundle.  “Well, little guy, you don’t look much like a Laurel, do you?”

 

Laurel had been Johnny’s mother’s name, and what he’d finally decided on for a girl a few weeks earlier provided Ashton offered no protest.  If a marriage had taken place between them, he was even going to use Margaret as a middle name to gain some favor with Ashton’s mother.  If no marriage took place, then he’d decided on Laurel Kathleen. Kathleen in honor of Ashton’s Grandma Kate.  

 

But he wasn’t cradling a Laurel Margaret or Laurel Kathleen, so he mulled over the three names he’d narrowed it down to for a boy.  Chad Roderick – his father’s nickname and grandfather’s first name.  Justin Charles – Justin because he liked it, and Charles again in honor of his father.  Or Chad Bennett, honoring his father and Ashton’s father.  

 

            There’s no point in sucking up to Ben now, any more than I need to suck up to Margaret, Johnny thought while mentally crossing Chad Bennett off his list. 

 

            Johnny gazed at his son. For reasons he couldn’t explain, he didn’t think the baby looked like a Chad, or like a Justin for that matter. 

 

            “Hey, kiddo, could ya’ give your dad a clue about what your name should be?”

 

            Without disturbing his son, Johnny reached for the paperback book on the end table entitled 20,000 Names for Baby.  He wasn’t sure if a patient had left it behind, or if the hospital provided it. He leafed through it, slowing down when he arrived at the boys’ section, which was divided by chapter into alphabetical order.

 

            “How about Adrian?  Do you like that?”

 

            Johnny laughed when the baby wrinkled his nose in his sleep.

 

“Me neither.  Sounds like a sissy name for a boy, doesn’t it?”

 

“Bradley?  Brant? Brent?  Brent.  I kinda like that one.  Brent Gage.  Not too bad, but let’s see what else there is.”

 

Johnny proceeded through the alphabet, trying out names he liked to see how they sounded with Gage. 

 

“How about Lance?  Mmmm…let’s see here…Matthew? Nicholas?  Noah?  Quentin?  That’s not bad.  Quentin Gage. Whatta you think?”

 

As though he understood his father, the baby passed gas.  Johnny laughed again.

 

“I’ll take that as a no.”

 

            When he came to the T’s, he ran across a name he’d never considered before, but immediately liked the sound of.

 

            “Trevor.  Trevor Gage.” Johnny looked down at his son. “It’s not common, so the good thing is you won’t end up going to school with a dozen other Trevors, like I went to school with a dozen other Johns.  But it’s not weird either, and it doesn’t sound like a girl’s name, so you won’t get teased like you will if I name you Adrian.  Think it fits you, kiddo?”

 

            The baby cooed in his sleep, then gave a big stretch and an even bigger yawn, as though the matter was settled as far as he was concerned, and there was no need to discuss it further when you could be doing something more important – like taking an afternoon nap.

 

            “All right then. Trevor Gage it is.”

           

            Johnny put the book aside, not needing to search for a middle name. He’d use Charles, after his father.  Trevor Charles Gage.

 

            Satisfied that he’d picked a strong, independent sounding masculine name for his son, Johnny continued rocking the boy, letting his mind wander as he sat alone in the lounge.  The TV droned quietly in the background, tuned to some soap opera Johnny paid no attention to.

 

            So far it was easy being a father in the controlled environment of the hospital.  Johnny hadn’t allowed himself to think ahead to tomorrow, when he’d take Trevor home by himself.  Ashton wouldn’t be there to share the load when it came to diaper changes, two a.m. feedings, doctor’s appointments, the additional laundry generated by an infant, and everything else that went into running a household.  She wouldn’t be there to help with their son in any way.  He’d have to make some quick decisions about day-care or hiring a nanny.  The only twenty-four day-care facility Johnny knew of was run by the Denver Fire Department.  He’d picked up a pamphlet about the program at headquarters a few months back, but would need to review it.  If he remembered correctly, the facility didn’t take infants under six weeks of age, meaning he’d need to make some type of arrangements for Trevor’s care for at least three weeks after he returned to work. 

 

A nanny might be the best choice, but Johnny assumed that type of childcare was expensive.  Especially if he didn’t hire someone privately, but went through a state licensed agency that did background checks on its employees to give a parent at least a measure of assurance that the person watching his child wasn’t an axe murderer, drug abuser, or pedophile.  Since Ashton made more money than he did, Johnny could probably go through a lawyer and demand child support from her, but his pride wouldn’t let him.  Even if she offered him money, he’d never take it.  He’d be damned if he’d ever collect one red cent from her.  He’d provide fully for Trevor from infancy all the way through college without any financial assistance from Ashton.

 

Johnny tried to lose himself in the gentle rhythm of the rocking chair like his son had.  What he wouldn’t give for a nice long nap free of worries and concerns.  Free of doubts about his ability to raise his child alone. 

 

The paramedic found himself thinking of Roy and Joanne again.  If Trevor’s birth had happened ten years earlier, he could have counted on them for any help he needed. He could have hired Jo to take care of Trevor when he was at work.  She’d have willingly provided Trevor with the maternal influence Johnny now worried the boy would lack throughout his life. Chris, Jennifer, and John would have been like siblings to Trevor.  Roy…well Johnny had no doubt Roy would have been “Uncle Roy” to Trevor, in the same way Johnny’d always been Uncle Johnny to the DeSoto kids.

 

Johnny leaned his head back against the chair, closing his eyes.  Despite nine hours of sleep the previous night, he was exhausted, for even in sleep worries and doubts plagued him.

 

“Sure wish I could talk to you, Pally,” he murmured. “Sure wish I could ask your advice on how to raise a good boy like Chris, and like I’m sure John’s turned out to be.  On how to be the kind of dad a boy needs, and the kind of mother he needs too.  ‘Course, maybe you’d tell me to ask Jo about the mother thing, but that’d be okay.  I wouldn’t expect you to know it anyway, and she could probably give me lots of good tips.”

 

Johnny opened his eyes and looked down at his son.

 

“Man, Roy, how am I gonna work twenty-four shifts with this little guy?  I could look for another job, but what am I gonna do at my age?  And if I start over in a new field, no one will pay me what I’m making now.  God knows with Trevor to raise I need security. I can’t walk away from my pension now, or my health insurance benefits.  Even my life insurance benefits.  If something happens to me, then whoever I decide will raise Trevor – my dad and Marietta I suppose – will need the money from my life insurance.   But my dad’ll be seventy-two years old in September, and Marietta just turned seventy.  Should they really be the ones who raise Trevor if I die before he’s eighteen?  Is that fair to them at their ages?  Is it fair to Trevor? Is it…”

 

Johnny sighed, letting his sentence trail off.  In the past twenty-four hours he’d discovered the Achilles heel of any father. One worry begat another worry which begat another worry, and so on and so on and so on.  Nonetheless, just pretending he was hashing everything over with Roy helped a little bit.  Roy had always been the calm throughout all of Johnny’s storms. The man of sound reasoning and advice.  A friend Johnny trusted and valued in a way he’d not yet come to value another friend, not even Greg.  

 

Johnny wasn’t even aware a little more than an hour had passed when the same nurse carrying the same clipboard returned.

 

“Have you and Doctor Riley decided on a name, Mr. Gage?”

 

Johnny lifted his head from the back of his chair.  “Yeah, we have.”  He gazed at his son and without hesitation said, “His name’s Trevor Roy.”

 

When the nurse repeated the name to confirm it, and then spelled it out loud to make certain she was recording it correctly, the thought didn’t cross Johnny’s mind to change the child’s middle name from Roy to Charles.  Maybe he was being sentimental.  Or maybe he was being foolish for honoring a friendship that hadn’t existed for years and would never exist again.  Nonetheless, something felt right about this. As the nurse finished filling out the birth certificate, Johnny figured out what it was.  Giving the baby the middle name of Roy was the final way Johnny had of connecting to the family in California that once meant so much to him, and that he’d continue to think of with fond memories for the rest of his life. 

 

The woman had Johnny proofread the birth certificate.  When he nodded and told her everything was correct, she said, “It’ll be filed with the county tomorrow. If you’d like, we can order a copy for you that’ll be mailed to your home. It’ll save you a trip to the courthouse some day in the future.  Kids can’t do anything now days without showing a copy of their birth certificate.  Little League, starting kindergarten, going off to summer camp – nothing is simple any more.”

 

“No it’s not. Okay. Sure. Order one for us. Thanks.”

 

“I like the name the two of you chose. I don’t know if I’ve ever run across another Trevor.  It has a strong independent sound to it.”

 

“That’s what I thought too.”

 

“Good luck to you and your little Trevor.”

 

“Thanks. We’re gonna need it.”

 

The woman chuckled, thinking Johnny was making a joke, and not knowing the baby’s mother planned to walk out of their lives for good on the same day her child was released from the hospital.

 

Johnny stood after the woman left the room.  He walked with Trevor for a while, then when the baby woke up crying, changed his diaper and fed him.  He returned Trevor to the nursery when the feeding and burping were completed, telling the nurse there he was going home for the day. Greg was coming over as soon as he got off duty at eight the next morning to help Johnny put the crib together and move the rest of the baby furniture into what had been the guestroom.  Johnny wanted the room set up and ready for Trevor before the baby was released from the hospital.

 

“See you around ten tomorrow morning, Mr. Gage,” the nurse said, referring to check out time for Trevor and Ashton.

 

“Yeah, see ya’ then.”

 

“I bet you and Doctor Riley are anxious to get this little guy home.”

 

Johnny looked down at the baby he’d passed off to the nurse, wondering how long he’d have to keep up the charade that he and Ashton were a happy couple.

 

“Yeah. Yeah, we sure are.”

 

The paramedic walked out of the nursery’s anteroom.  If the nurse had been paying an attention, she’d have seen that he didn’t go tell the baby’s mother goodbye, but instead, headed for the elevators without having seen Ashton at all that day.

 

Chapter 62

 

In the year that followed Trevor’s birth, Johnny vowed he’d never again think a stay-at-home mom had a cushy job. And as far as working mothers went, he now had a new and greater appreciation for them as well; especially those who were single.  Even given his work schedule that generally allowed him forty-eight hours off for every twenty-four on, he went to bed exhausted each night, and woke up feeling like he needed three more hours of sleep each morning.  Laundry, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, running errands, and all the additional work an infant brought to a household left little time for anything else. Yet despite that, Johnny wouldn’t have traded his son for the carefree single life he had before meeting Ashton, even if someone possessed the power to offer him such an exchange. The mornings he didn’t have to be at work; when he brought Trevor into bed with him and laughed over the baby’s antics, or when they played peek-a-boo with the pillows, or hide-and-go-seek amongst the blankets, or lay nestled together sleeping an hour or two beyond their normal five-thirty a.m. “rise and shine” time, were more precious to Johnny than he could voice.  Those and a thousand other events that first twelve months made raising Trevor alone worth all the hardship the paramedic endured.

 

Ashton was nowhere to be found when Johnny picked up Trevor from the hospital two days after his birth. It was left to a nurse to tell Johnny, “Doctor Riley said you knew she’d be leaving before you arrived.  She asked me to give you this.”

 

Johnny could tell the nurse was confused and curious as to why the new mother had scampered off without her child.

 

Although Johnny hadn’t known Ashton would be gone before he arrived that morning, he didn’t say so to the nurse.  Without comment, he accepted the new suitcase Ashton evidently sent someone out to purchase for Trevor. 

 

“The baby’s extra clothes and blanket are in there.  Doctor Riley put your camera in there too. And she said she packed his gifts and the teddy bear you bought him.”

 

Johnny nodded. “Thanks.”  He wasn’t sure what gifts the woman was talking about, but assumed some of the ER and Cardiology staff members had brought Ashton gifts for Trevor. He sure hoped she’d left the cards attached so he’d know who to thank for what.

 

The woman carried Trevor to the elevator, while Johnny carried the suitcase.  He knew this arrangement must look odd to anyone who took notice. Normally the mother was wheeled out in a wheelchair holding her baby, rather than a father walking alone beside a nurse carrying his child.

 

For just that reason, Johnny bypassed the ER.  He’d come back another day and show Trevor to the staff members who hadn’t seen him yet.  At that moment he was in no mood to answer questions about Ashton’s whereabouts. Especially since he didn’t know her whereabouts.  He surmised the “friend” she’d mentioned she’d be staying with until moving to New York was Pauline Norwood, the only other woman in the cardiac fellowship program.  Pauline owned a townhouse a few blocks from the hospital, but Johnny had never been there and didn’t know its exact location.

 

On the other hand, for all he knew Ashton could be shacking up with Andrew Bishop, or some other guy for that matter.  Before those thoughts could darken what should be a joyous day, Johnny chased them from his mind.  He left the nurse standing on the sidewalk with Trevor while he jogged to the Land Rover. He put the suitcase in the cargo hold then drove the vehicle to the waiting nurse.  She made sure he had the car seat secured properly in the back seat, showed Johnny the easiest way to get Trevor into it, and showed him the correct way to secure the straps and safety bar.

 

It was, in many ways, a lonely homecoming.  Since Johnny had no family living nearby, there was no one present to celebrate Trevor’s first day at the condo.  Johnny hadn’t even told Greg that Ashton wasn’t coming home with him. While they’d set up the nursery furniture earlier that morning Johnny’d allowed his friend to believe everything was fine between himself and Ashton.  If Johnny had mentioned otherwise, Greg might have been here waiting with some of his kids to lend a hand, or he’d have called some of the other guys and they would have rallied to help in whatever way they could.  But Johnny didn’t really need anyone’s help.  What he needed on this homecoming day, and what Trevor needed even more – Ashton – neither one of them could have.

 

~ ~ ~

 

Johnny settled into a routine those first three weeks he and Trevor were home together, quickly learning the baby’s habits, his sleep schedule, eating schedule, and with a fair amount of accuracy even grew able to predict when a diaper change would be needed. Of course, sometimes Trevor fooled him and got his days and nights mixed up, and every so often he’d make Johnny walk the floor with him for hours in an effort to soothe him, just like Johnny’s dad had said he’d walked the floor with Johnny.  But overall, and with the help of a book Ashton had gotten at her shower entitled Baby Basics, Johnny was doing pretty well in the “Dad” department by the time he returned to work on June 4^th.

 

Johnny didn’t know what he’d have done without his family during the three weeks that bridged the time he returned to work, and when Trevor started day-care.   Once he’d finally confessed to his father over the phone that Ashton hadn’t returned to the condo with him, had no intention to in the future, and that he’d have full custody of the baby, Chad demanded Johnny allow them to help in any way they could.

 

“What can we do for you, John?”

 

“Well…I’ve got Trevor signed up for the fire department’s day-care.  The trouble is, I gotta go back to work when he’s three weeks old, and the day-care center won’t take him until he’s six weeks.”

 

            “Don’t you worry about that. Sounds like the perfect time for me and Marietta to come see our grandson.”

 

            “Thanks, Dad.  Thanks a lot. I know you’re busy on the ranch this time of year and--”

 

            “Not as busy as I used to be now that I’ve rented a lot of the operation to Dan.”

 

            Dan was one of Johnny’s cousins, the middle son of his father’s brother Luke.

 

            “Still, three weeks of your time is a lot to ask…”

 

            “No it’s not.  Besides, your sister is anxious to fly down there and see her nephew too.  Between Reah and us, we’ll get this covered for you.”

 

            Chad lived up to his word.  He, Marietta, and Johnny’s grandfather, arrived a few days before Johnny returned to work.  Although Marietta never had children, and although Johnny highly doubted his father or grandfather had ever changed a diaper in their lives, they were all quick learners and Johnny was a good teacher.  Marietta had the instincts most women do where babies are concerned, so between that, the common sense all three of them possessed, and the Baby Basics book Johnny left on the kitchen counter for them right next to Station 28’s phone number, he had few worries as he headed out the door for his first day back on-duty. A week and a half later, the trio returned to Montana and Reah arrived to stay until Trevor started day-care.  Since she’d begun her career as a Labor and Delivery nurse thirty years earlier, Johnny knew Trevor was getting the best of care.

 

            “I wish you’d consider moving back to White Rock,” Reah said one night while Johnny sat on the couch giving his son a bottle. “I could help you with Trevor, and Dad and Marietta would too.”

 

            “I know, but White Rock’s fire department is all volunteer. I’d have to live in Missoula or Great Falls in order to get a job, which would kinda defeat the purpose of moving back to be near you guys.”

 

            “You could get a job doing something else.”

 

            “Like what? White Rock isn’t exactly the industrial capital of the country, and Dad’s already got Danny running the ranch.  I can’t step in now and take that away from Dan.  It would cause too many hard feelings.  Besides, I haven’t done any kind of ranch work for twenty-five years.  It’d take a while for everything to come back to me, and in the meantime, Dad and I would be at each other’s throats.” Johnny shook his head.  “No.  I like what I do.  I like it a lot.  I think…I’ve been thinking about it, Reah, and for right now, I’m gonna stay here in Denver.”

 

            “Forever?”

 

            “I wouldn’t necessarily go that far.  I’d like to raise Trevor in a small town like White Rock, but whether that kinda opportunity will come along and include a good paying job at a fire department too, I don’t know.”    

 

            “And Ashton?”

 

            Johnny broke eye contact with his sister.  “She’s out of our lives.”

 

            “For good?”

 

            The paramedic glanced down at his son, checked the baby’s progress with the bottle, then looked at his sister again and nodded.  “For good.”

 

            Trevor was a week old when Johnny returned to the condo after going to the station to show him to the guys, and then stopping at the bank and grocery store.  He knew Ashton had been there as soon as he opened the garage door and saw her Mercedes was gone.  He pulled the Land Rover into the garage, shut it off, and shut the garage door.  He left Trevor sleeping in his car seat and the groceries sitting in the cargo hold. 

 

He entered his silent home.  The first thing he saw was Ashton’s house key sitting on the kitchen counter.  The next thing he noticed was that her cappuccino machine was gone.  He walked through the rest of the condo, taking note that two pictures she’d hung in the great room painted by some Italian artist were also gone.  He went into the nursery next.  Her clothes had been removed from the closet, and when he stopped in the hallway bathroom and opened the medicine chest and linen closet, he saw that her personal items, from shampoo to perfume to razor, were gone now too. The other thing Johnny observed missing that day was a note.  No note.  No letter.  No hastily scrawled “Goodbye” on a napkin even.  No number where he could reach her, or address where he could find her.  Sure, he could track her down at the hospital, but why bother?  If this is how she wanted things to end, then so be it.  Trevor was only seven days old, but already Johnny knew how lucky he was, and how much Ashton was missing out on.

 

Johnny didn’t have time to mourn the final death of their relationship.  He had to bring his son in, then do the same with the groceries.  Maybe it was better this way.  Maybe it was better that he was so busy now he didn’t have the energy to think of Ashton.

 

Reah returned to Montana four days after Trevor started day-care. She remained long enough to make certain Johnny was happy with the arrangement. He was. Or at least as happy as any parent can be when he’s forced to turn over a portion of the raising and care of his child to complete strangers.  Soon though, the women who were employed by the center weren’t strangers to Johnny, and he appreciated their competence and patience with the children. All the center’s employees knew CPR and basic first aid.  Added to that, the center was located on the grounds of the fire department’s headquarters, and was less than a mile from Station 3.  In the event of an emergency help was nearby, which gave Johnny further peace of mind.  There was a huge fenced-in play yard, a variety of outings for the older children, and a park down the block that the children were taken several times a week.  Even the infants were taken to the park in strollers when the weather allowed for it.

 

Two weeks after Johnny returned to work, he finally told Greg that Ashton had moved out.  Johnny knew Greg couldn’t keep a secret, which was exactly what he was counting on.  He had no desire to hash this out with the other guys.  He’d let Greg tell them, and then deal with any questions that came his way.  But as Johnny expected would be the case, everyone was mum about it, not saying much at all once the word spread.  Maybe the look on Johnny’s face told them he wasn’t up to discussing Ashton. Or maybe they just figured it was none of their business unless he brought up the subject first.

 

As far as how much the hospital staff knew, Johnny wasn’t certain.  If nothing else, he assumed once Ashton moved to New York and people saw he’d remained behind in Denver, they’d figure it out on their own.

 

Trevor was nine weeks old when the front door bell rang on a Friday afternoon in mid-July.   Johnny had dozed off on the couch when he lay down for a few minutes to watch a baseball game in-between loads of laundry.  He woke with a start, not certain if he’d heard something until the bell rang again. 

 

He pushed himself to his feet, mumbling, “This better not be a salesman or he’s gonna find out how much the father of a baby needs his sleep.”

 

Johnny didn’t bother looking out the peek hole before he opened the door.  He took an involuntary step backwards.  Screwing the thought at even trying to be polite, he grumbled, “Whatta you want?”

 

“That’s not a very nice hello.”

 

“Well you didn’t give me or your son a very nice goodbye, so hey, what goes around comes around.”

 

Ashton stood there in a halo of July sunshine.  When Johnny didn’t invite her in, she held up a thick tri-folded document.

 

“I have the custody papers.  May I come in for a few minutes so we can talk?”

 

“You could have mailed them to me.”

 

“I could have,” she acknowledged, “but I’d like to talk to you.”

 

“It’s a little late for that, wouldn’t you say.”

 

She looked away and sighed.  Johnny could tell she was trying hard to control her temper, and probably also trying hard not to call him a stubborn asshole.  When she finally looked at him again she said, “John…please.  Just for a few minutes.”

 

Now it was Johnny’s turn to sigh.  He finally opened the door wider.

 

“All right.  Come in.  But you can’t stay long. I’m busy.”

 

Johnny led the way through the great room.  He grabbed the remote control from an end table, aimed it at the TV, and shut it off.  He put the remote down, then headed for the dining area with Ashton trailing along behind him.  When Johnny reached the table, he pulled out a chair and sat. Ashton sat across from him.

 

Her eyes danced around the condo a moment, landing on the items Johnny knew hadn’t been a part of their lives when she lived here.  A baby monitor sat where her cappuccino maker used to, and a baby swing sat against one wall in the great room.  A plastic toy box with Big Bird’s picture on it sat next to the swing, and a laundry basket piled high with freshly washed and folded bibs, burping cloths, towels, sleepers, clothing, blankets, and other assorted items a baby would use, sat at the juncture of the hallway, waiting to be carried to the nursery and put away. 

 

When Ashton focused on Johnny again, she handed him the document she’d carried in.

 

“Here’s the legal work granting you full custody. There’s a stamped envelope included too with my lawyer’s address on it.  He suggested that you have an attorney look over those for your own peace of mind.  It’s all straight forward, just like I said it would be.  You have full custody of the baby--”

 

“He has a name.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“He’s not ‘the baby.’ Your son has a name. It’s Trevor.”

 

“I know.”

 

Johnny was surprised she was aware of her own child’s name, but he refrained from making a digging comment that would only start a fight.

 

“Anyway, you’ll have full custody of the baby with no visitation requests from me.”

 

“What about your parents?”

 

A guarded look came over Ashton’s face. “What about them?”

 

“How do they feel about all this?  Me getting full custody, and you – and them – not having any visitation rights.”

 

“They aren’t in agreement with me, especially not Mother, but this isn’t their concern, it’s mine. Between the two of us, you’re by far the best person to raise Trevor.”

 

“I’ll send the furniture back to them if they want me to.”

 

“What?”

 

“The baby furniture. All that stuff they shipped here from New York. If they want it back, I’ll send it.  I can buy Trevor whatever he needs.”

 

“Don’t be silly.  They don’t want it back. It’s a gift for their grandson.”

 

Yeah, a grandson you’re making sure they’ll never see.

 

Johnny hadn’t spoken to Margaret or Ben in the weeks since Trevor’s birth.  They hadn’t called him, and he hadn’t called them.  He assumed this situation was awkward for both of them. Poor Margaret had probably worked herself into a tizzy over all the protocol Ashton had managed to breech.  Not to mention that she probably couldn’t fathom Ashton walking away from her only child and giving its father sole custody.  No doubt things weren’t done that way in their social circle. No doubt the woman quietly married the man who got her pregnant, and at least pretended to have a happy life from there on out.  As far as what Ben thought, Johnny couldn’t predict.  He probably wanted to see his grandson, but he’d do exactly what Margaret dictated where Trevor was concerned.

 

On Johnny’s part, he felt it was best if he didn’t contact Margaret and Ben.  He’d heard of grandparents petitioning for visitation rights, and if he could avoid that event happening he wanted to.  If Ashton didn’t want to be a mother to Trevor, then Johnny had no desire to remain in contact with her family.  Maybe that wasn’t fair to Trevor, but Johnny thought it was the easiest solution. He was working hard at restructuring his life as a single father. He didn’t want future interference from Ashton in that regard, or interference from her parents.

 

“So as I was saying,” Ashton resumed, “please have an attorney review those papers.  If everything passes muster, then sign them and mail them to my lawyer.  I’ll pay any fees you incur.”

 

“I can pay my own attorney’s fees.”

 

“I’m sure you can, but you shouldn’t have to.  This is my doing.  Why should you shell out five hundred dollars to have a lawyer look at papers I had drawn up?”

 

Why indeed, if for no other reason that once again Johnny’s pride wouldn’t allow anything but that.  She might make more money than he did and come from a rich family to boot, but she didn’t need to keep throwing that in his face, or act like he couldn’t adequately provide for their son.

 

“I’ll pay my own fees.”

 

Again, Johnny got the impression Ashton wanted to call him a stubborn asshole, but she settled on, “Fine. Have it your way.  If you change your mind, my lawyer will forward any fees to me.”

 

“So you’ve completed the fellowship?  You’re headed to New York?”

 

She nodded. “I fly out on Sunday.  I’ve got an apartment leased within walking distance of the hospital.  Dad’s old friend, Franklin Barnes…remember him?”

 

“Vaguely. We had lunch at his place that first Christmas I spent at your parents’ place, right?”

 

“Right. He’s the Chief Cardiologist at Metropolitan. I’ll be working for him.  It’s quite an honor.  He’s considered to be the best cardiac surgeon in the country.”

 

“That’s great.”

 

Ashton paid no attention to the lack of enthusiasm in Johnny’s response.  Her smile broadcast her delight over how her life was falling into place.

 

“It is, isn’t it?  I’m really excited.”

 

“I’m sure you are.  You worked hard to reach this point.”

 

“I did.  I look back on all of the years, from my very first day in college to my last day in the fellowship program, and wonder how I managed to get through it.  But I did, and I’m finally on my way.”

 

“Speaking of being on your way, before you leave, do you wanna see your son?  He’s sleeping, but I can go get him.”

 

            Johnny swore he saw panic cross Ashton’s features before she chased it away. What was she afraid of?  Seeing a baby she claimed she wanted no part of, or finding out she might have regrets over giving up custody if she did see him?

 

            “No.  Uh…no. Let’s not disturb him since he’s sleeping. Besides, I need to go. ”

 

            “If you don’t wanna even take ten seconds to look at your son, then why’d you keep him, Ashton?  Why didn’t you abort him like you’d planned to?”

 

She looked at Johnny a long time before she finally answered him. 

 

“Don’t you know?”

 

“No, I don’t.”

 

“I kept him for you, John.  I…our love changed.  I won’t deny that. It’s no longer the kind of love that makes a relationship thrive and grow. But a part of me still loves you. A part of me always will. Once I realized how much you wanted the baby, I couldn’t do that to you. I couldn’t terminate the pregnancy knowing how much having a baby meant to you.”

 

“Would you have terminated it if I hadn’t found out you were pregnant?”

 

She looked away and wouldn’t answer him, causing Johnny to conclude that she would have.  But that no longer mattered. What mattered was that he’d discovered she was pregnant, he’d convinced her to keep the baby, and now he had Trevor.

 

Ashton stood.  “I really do need to leave.  I have a lot of things to wrap up yet, and I still haven’t started any packing.”

 

Johnny was actually able to smile. “Now why doesn’t that surprise me.”

 

He walked Ashton to the door, but stopped when they reached the threshold. He held up the documents she’d given him.

 

“I’ll get these mailed to your attorney as soon as possible.”

 

“That’s fine.  You’ll get copies once everything’s filed with the court.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“So…I…I guess this is goodbye.”

 

She tilted her head slightly, as though she expected him to kiss her left cheek.  He refused the offer. 

 

“Yeah, guess so.  Good luck.”

 

Ashton stood there a moment longer.  When Johnny still refused to play her game, she took a step back.  “Thank you.”

 

“Bye,” Johnny said in return as he shut the door halfway, not carrying that it was a blatant hint meant to hurry her along.

 

Ashton had no choice but to step outside or be hit by the door. “Goodbye, John.”

 

Johnny shut the door, proud that he resisted the urge to go to the window and watch Ashton walk to her car.  An hour later, when Trevor awoke and smiled at Johnny as he scooped the baby up from his crib, the paramedic once again knew just how blessed he was, and just how much Ashton was giving up by making her new position with Franklin Barnes a priority over raising her child.

 

Chapter 63

 

            As Trevor approached his sixth month of life in early November of 1992, Johnny began to think more seriously of the boy’s future.  And when he did, he wasn’t certain Trevor’s future should be in Denver.  He found himself longing more and more to raise Trevor away from the city.  Away from any city.  And though Trevor wouldn’t start kindergarten for five years yet, Johnny didn’t want his child in a twenty-four hour day-care center when that happened.  How many other children in his class would sleep overnight at their day-care facility, be awakened and gotten ready for school by their day-care provider, and then put on the bus?   Probably none.  Around the clock day-care was working fine while Trevor was an infant, and would probably work fine for several years to come, but Johnny didn’t want that for his son once the boy started school. Johnny wanted to be home with him in the evenings as much as possible.  There would be schoolwork to supervise, and all kinds of happenings to be told of, and permission slips to sign, and report cards to review, and cupcakes to bake for the class Halloween party, and projects to help create with paste, blunt-end scissors, and construction paper. Johnny didn’t want to miss out on any of that, and he didn’t want to turn those duties over to someone in a day-care facility.

 

It was Greg who first encouraged Johnny to apply for the vacant fire chief’s position in Eagle Harbor, Alaska.  The engine crew was out on a run one afternoon in late March.  The two paramedics were seated at the kitchen table drinking coffee and polishing off the cookies Cap’s wife had sent for the crew.

 

When Greg showed Johnny the ad in a firefighter’s trade journal for the position in Eagle Harbor and told Johnny he’ be perfect for it, Johnny initially scoffed at the idea.

             “Come on, John,” Greg urged. “You’ve got the experience they’re looking for. And you’ve been saying for the last six months you’d like to get out of the city and move into ‘wide open spaces,’ as I think you refer to it.”
        
             “Yeah. And I’ve also been saying that I don’t want to take a cut in salary, which is the draw back to doing this job in a small town or remote community.”

              “Maybe you won’t have to take a cut in pay. They list a lot of responsibilities here. Maybe they’re willing to pay a guy with your years of experience the money you’re worth.”

   Johnny took the journal from Greg and read the ad.  It took him two days to decide to call the phone number listed for the Eagle Harbor Police and Fire Commission. A week later, after a brief stop in Montana where he left Trevor with his father and stepmother, Johnny was on a plane bound for Alaska where he underwent a long grueling series of interviews with more people than he could count.

 

Johnny returned to Denver with Trevor four days after he’d left, not hopeful that he’d get the job, but proud of how well he’d held up under the questioning and scrutiny. He’d fallen in love with Eagle Harbor on his first day there. It was a sea-side community flanked on the east by snow-capped mountains and the Eagle Harbor National Forest, and on the west by the Pacific Ocean. The fire department and all its entities covered five thousand square miles of township, water, and wilderness, including Barner and Yusik Islands. Taking over such an operation would be daunting, but also rewarding.

 

Five days after Johnny’s return to his condominium, the phone call came from Alaska. The job was his, along with a salary twenty thousand dollars higher than what he was presently earning, and a rent-free house that was a pleasant addition to his benefits package. A month later, John Gage arrived for work in the one place he would come to consider home in the warm way he hadn't thought of that word since leaving Los Angeles.

 

Getting ready to move within such a short time frame had involved a whirlwind of packing, getting the condo sold, saying goodbye to friends and colleagues in Denver, attending the going-away party Lee Marshall and his wife threw in Johnny’s honor, and making arrangements for Trevor’s care in Eagle Harbor.  It was the police chief, Carl Mjtko, who first suggested via a phone call to Johnny that his mother would make a good caregiver for the boy.  The department already paid her a small salary to keep the police chief’s house clean, as well as the fire chief’s. Carl said Johnny could probably hire his mother to do more extensive housekeeping for him, run errands, and take care of Trevor. 

 

Johnny wasn’t too crazy about the idea of hiring someone he didn’t know to care for his child, but he didn’t have much choice considering he didn’t know anyone in Eagle Harbor. He supposed the police chief’s mother was about as safe a selection as any.  Upon arriving in Eagle Harbor, it didn’t take Johnny long to lose any reservations he had concerning Clarice Mjtko.  He couldn’t have made a better decision for either himself or his son.  The active little lady who claimed she carried thirty more pounds than she needed, was sixty the year Johnny moved to Eagle Harbor.  She quickly became mother to him, and a cross between mother and grandmother to Trevor.  She could be strict with the boy when such an action was needed, and cradle his head to her breast while kissing a cheek and telling Trevor she loved him when that was the action he needed.  Johnny never questioned Clarice’s wisdom or methods when it came to raising a boy.  After all, she’d raised Carl, as she reminded Johnny many times with a laugh.  If she could get him – the boy who’d caused her many sleepless nights with his antics to grow up to be the police chief of Eagle Harbor – then she could no doubt successfully raise any boy.

 

            Johnny spent that first year in Eagle Harbor getting to know the town and her people.  He had a lot of skepticism to overcome.  The previous four men who’d held the position of chief prior to Johnny, who were outsiders too, hadn’t lasted long in this isolated community where a fire chief had to wear numerous hats.  Johnny had to prove he was different from those men, and had to endear himself to the community in the way Chief Robert Kline had for thirty years prior to his retirement in 1981. The difference between Chief Kline and Johnny was that Kline had been born and raised in Eagle Harbor, something no one seemed to forget.  Not that Johnny could blame them, considering the town’s track record where fire chiefs were concerned after Kline retired. 

 

            With a lot of hard work and perseverance, by the end of that first year Johnny had given the town the thing it needed the most – a well-trained volunteer fire fighting and emergency medical force.  Where the numbers for this force had once been at one hundred and forty for Chief Kline, they’d dwindled to thirty by the time Johnny arrived.  He did even better than Kline. Johnny’s volunteers numbered one hundred and fifty when his first anniversary with the department arrived.

 

Johnny came to feel at home in Eagle Harbor during that time, and Carl grew to be his best friend in the way he hadn’t had a best friend since Roy DeSoto.  And Clarice – well Clarice’s employment in Johnny’s household lifted much of the burden of the daily chores from Johnny’s shoulders, allowing him more time with Trevor when he was off-duty.  It was comforting to arrive home when his workday ended at six and find his young son bathed, in his pajamas, and supper on the table waiting for them to eat it together.  No longer was Johnny up half the night accomplishing household chores once Trevor was in bed.  He was finally able to sit down and relax in the evenings after he’d read Trevor a story and kissed him goodnight.  And no longer did Trevor have to be woken before dawn so Johnny could get him fed, dressed, and cleaned up before they had to leave for the day-care center.  The boy could now sleep until his own internal clock woke him, because if Johnny was on-duty, Clarice was in the house giving it the much-needed presence of a woman.  She was more than worth the generous bonus Johnny gave her at Christmas time, and the raise he’d given her when she reached the anniversary date of her first full year of employment with him.

 

It was on that day, two weeks after Trevor’s second birthday, that Johnny arrived home from work at six-fifteen. Months of cold rain and slushy thick snow had finally given way to a majestic Alaskan spring.  Flowers were starting to bloom, and the thick scent of the Sitka pines surrounding Johnny’s house filled the air.  The back door flew open as he stepped out of his Land Rover.  Johnny turned around and grinned as he was hailed with, “Papa! Papa!  You home! You home!”

 

A little boy with outstretched arms and thick black hair that curled on the ends and stuck out in five different directions ran toward Johnny.  The endearment, “Papa” never failed to make Johnny chuckle a little bit.  He had yet to completely get used to the way children in this part of Alaska referred to their fathers, but he had to admit he’d come to love the sound of it.

 

Johnny swooped Trevor up, planted a kiss on his cheek, then spun him around until the child squealed with delight.  When their fun came to an end, Johnny settled Trevor on his hip and walked to the house, where the smell of a warm supper waiting in the oven drifted out to greet him.  

 

Chapter 64

 

Since the day Johnny and I renewed our friendship, I’d never had doubts that Eagle Harbor was a good place for him. The right place for him to further his career and raise his son. The place where he’d found contentment and put Ashton Riley behind him – or at least as much as he’d ever be able to.  I saw nothing but joy in his eyes as he told me about the day Trevor was born, and heard happiness in his voice when he spoke of their early years in Eagle Harbor. I think it was Johnny’s strong sense of belonging to the little community, and his kinship with the rugged Alaskan landscape, that made his decision to remain there an easy one despite the loss of the job he’d devoted himself to.

 

Johnny kept his promise to Trevor when he’d said, “I just need to be left ‘lone today, Trev.  Just for today.”

 

On Sunday, the three of us went to Carl and Clarice’s for the kind of after-church meal that was a tradition throughout my childhood. A pot roast slow cooked with potatoes, carrots, and onions, topped off by warm apple pie and ice cream for dessert.

 

On Monday, Johnny drove Trevor to school.  I sat in the passenger seat, but only because Johnny’d asked me to go along for the ride. I was leaving for home in nine days, on Wednesday, April 12^th.  I had to return to work on Monday the 17^th.  Therefore, it was time for me to fade into the background.  Johnny needed to know he and Trevor would be fine once I was gone.  He needed to continue to build confidence in his abilities to run his household and parent his son. 

 

I remained a supportive but unobtrusive presence for my friend throughout that day.  After dropping off Trevor, Johnny had a physical therapy session, then he drove us to the real estate office. 

 

Glen Kamen seemed like a nice guy. Trim and fit for a man I guessed to be in his late forties, with pale rusty hair that was just beginning to recede at the temples. He was eager to help Johnny, offering advice and setting up appointments so Johnny could look at available land and houses that week. When their meeting ended Johnny stood and shook hands with Glen.  It was the first time Glen referred to the reason why Johnny was looking for a new place to live.

 

“If you ask me, Chief, you got a bum deal. A real bum deal.  I wish you’d let Carl and Phil circulate that petition and--”

 

Johnny shook his head.  “No.  No pet-petition.  It’s okay.”

 

“No it’s not okay.  None of us thinks it’s okay. You should have heard the uproar at Donna’s this morning.  Half the town wants to hang Ellison, and the other half wants to burn him at the stake.”

 

I assumed the “Donna’s” Glen mentioned was Donna’s Diner.  I could picture the weekday breakfast crowd, made up mostly of businessmen and male blue-collar workers, engaged in heated discussions over the news of Johnny’s firing.  Something that would have barely drawn notice in a city the size of Los Angeles was a cross between a crisis and scandal in Eagle Harbor.

 

“I don’t wan-want anyone bother--bothering him, Glen.  You tell ‘em--them that.  Tell them all I say--said that.”

 

Glen stared at Johnny a few seconds, like he was trying to figure out if Johnny really meant that he didn’t want Tim Ellison harassed – or run out of town on a rail – after all Ellison had done to him.  I knew Johnny meant it, and Glen finally realized he did too.

 

“All right. If that’s the way you want it.”

 

“It is.”

 

“Okay, but--”

 

“No buts.”

 

Glen sighed; said, “You drive a hard bargain, Chief,” and walked us to the door. This same scenario was repeated throughout the day as Johnny made stops at the bank, post office, and grocery store.  Invariably a crowd would gather around him, and the designated spokesperson would say the same things Glen had. 

 

The town was in uproar.

 

Johnny’d gotten a bum deal.

 

People were ready to tar and feather Ellison.

 

Regardless of the overwhelming support, Johnny’s position never wavered.  He didn’t want Ellison or his family bothered.  They all needed to accept the outcome of the vote taken on Friday night.  He didn’t want a petition circulated.  He’d be fine.  It was probably time for him to retire anyway.

 

That last statement always drew protests, but those protests didn’t change Johnny’s mind.  His stance that no one should cause trouble for Tim Ellison didn’t surprise me. Johnny’s always been a good-hearted guy.  Even without him saying so, I knew he was furious with Ellison, but he wouldn’t want harm to come to the man, and the last thing he’d want was for Ellison’s wife or children to be harassed or frightened.  I had a feeling that, in this case, “what’s goes around comes around,” would somehow come to pass. Considering the sentiments of the people we encountered that week, I couldn’t imagine Tim Ellison sticking around Eagle Harbor.  But then, I also knew things would die down after a few weeks passed, especially since Johnny refused to add fuel to the fire, and discouraged anyone else from doing so.  Because of that, I figured it was possible for the Ellison family to go on living in Eagle Harbor for years to come, with most people eventually forgetting what he’d done to make everyone so angry.  As Johnny’d told me, gossip, scandals, and upsets come and go quickly in a small town.  What has tempers flaring one week, is replaced by some new concern the next week.

 

 I didn’t think what had happened to John Gage would be forgotten quite that quickly, but I got the impression that’s what Johnny wanted.  That he wanted to start this new phase of his life without constant reminders of his former position with the fire department.  I wasn’t sure how that’d be possible as long as he remained a resident of Eagle Harbor, but I couldn’t fault Johnny for trying to make this transition as easy on Trevor as possible. For not wanting to uproot Trevor from his school, friends, and the town he’d grown up in.  I found myself wishing Joanne and I lived closer to Johnny so we could help him when needed, but we wouldn’t entertain the notion of moving to Alaska any more than Johnny was willing to entertain the notion of moving back to L.A. the one time I mentioned it to him a couple of days after he’d lost his job.

 

By the end of the week, Johnny was in the process of buying four acres of vacant land.  He’d looked at the two houses Glen had for sale, and looked at one half of a duplex for rent.  While one of the homes was in mint condition, and the duplex was in nice shape too, Johnny decided buying the land and having a home built to fit his needs, both for now and years to come, was the best choice.  

 

He’d downloaded a house plan off the Internet that he thought was perfect for him and Trev.  A one-story with three bedrooms, two bathrooms, an open great room/kitchen/dining area that ran the length of the house, small laundry room, and an attached garage.  He’d called a builder he knew, got some preliminary things lined up, then e-mailed the plan to him.  If things went well, he and Trevor would be in their new home by Thanksgiving.  Johnny was even considering having a small steel-structured barn built for the horses, but I’d heard him tell Trevor that decision was on hold until he knew all the costs involved for the house. In the meantime, Johnny arranged to rent a two bedroom house owned by one of the volunteer paramedics. It wasn’t roomy, but as Johnny said, he wouldn’t have to impose on Carl and Clarice, and the man had no objections to Trevor’s dogs and cat taking up temporary residence in the house. 

 

“I don’t usually allow animals, but for you, Chief, anything.”

 

Numerous people stepped forward and offered acts of kindness like that one.  Because the little house had no place for a washer and dryer, Clarice told Johnny he could do laundry at her place while he was renting.  The Teirmans offered to store in one of their out-buildings any furniture, appliances, and boxes Johnny needed them to until his new home was finished, and they offered to take the horses until Johnny knew whether he’d be keeping them.  Gus offered to take the cats, saying he could use them around the airport to keep the mouse population under the control.  I think Gus’s offer came more from the fact that Trevor worked for him and he wanted to help make this adjustment easier for the boy, than from his concern about mice, but either way, it was a nice gesture on his part and one Johnny appreciated.  As word spread of Johnny’s plans to remain in Eagle Harbor, he received more offers of help with moving into the rental home, and from there, into his new home, than he could keep track of.  The respect people had for John Gage transcended his position in the community.  It made no difference that he wasn’t Eagle Harbor’s fire chief any longer.  He was their friend and neighbor; a man in need that everyone was eager to help because of all he’d done for them since the day he arrived in their town.

 

By the time my last weekend in Eagle Harbor arrived, Ashton’s engagement ring was on its way to a young man in Connecticut. Johnny had sold it for five thousand dollars.  The only thing he said about it as we walked out of the post office on Friday afternoon was, “Hope it brings him better luck than it did me.” 

 

That was also the same day Johnny received two job offers. He was well known throughout Alaska because of his involvement in the state’s emergency medical programs.  Word that he was no longer Eagle Harbor’s fire chief had evidently spread quickly. The first offer came from the Anchorage Fire Department with a proposal to be their paramedic instructor.  The second offer involved teaching emergency medical care to paramedics, first responders, EMT’s, police officers and firefighters at the community college in Juneau.  Johnny immediately discounted Anchorage’s proposal because of his desire to finish raising Trevor in Eagle Harbor.  The teaching position intrigued him, however, and he told the woman who called that he’d give it serious consideration. 

 

After we’d dropped Trevor off at Gus’s on Saturday morning, Johnny drove to Donna’s Diner where he and I ate breakfast.  It was unusually quiet in the restaurant.  Carl was absent, and so was Phil. The remainder of the men and women on the fire and police departments that were usually seen in Donna’s before roll call were absent as well.  When I mentioned something about it to Johnny over our omelets, bacon, and toast, he said the state conference for fire and police departments was held on this weekend in Anchorage each year. 

 

“They would have left Thursday afer’noon. Be back sometime Sunday night.”

 

“Oh,” was all I said.

 

Whatever feelings Johnny had about missing this year’s conference he kept to himself. It also made more sense to me as to why he wasn’t reluctant to eat in Donna’s that morning.  He knew the place would be empty, and that he wouldn’t have to deal with anyone’s sympathies, or try to convince someone he didn’t want a petition circulated on his behalf, or want Tim Ellison beheaded in the town square, or whatever the latest idle threats were against the man.

 

            Johnny insisted on paying for my meal.  While he settled the bill with our waitress, I stepped out into the damp air.  A layer of misty fog hung over the town.  I heard the high-pitched toot of a ferry whistle coming from the harbor.  I glanced at my watch.  It was quarter to nine. I’d been in Eagle Harbor long enough to know that the ferry departed for Juneau at nine on Saturday mornings, at noon, and then at three.

 

            The whistled tooted again, calling to any potential passengers as Johnny walked out of Donna’s and headed for the Land Rover. Johnny stopped at the grocery store on our way out of town.  He pulled around by the loading dock, put the vehicle in park, and got out.  I climbed out too.  We filled the Rover’s cargo hold with empty cardboard boxes the store’s stock boys had left piled on the dock.  Carl kept telling Johnny he could take his time moving out of the house, but now that Johnny had a place to rent and was on his way to buying land and having a home built, he seemed anxious to vacate the only home he’d lived in since arriving in Eagle Harbor.  Maybe he didn’t feel right about staying in the house any longer than necessary considering it was part of the salary package he no longer received.  Or maybe he felt the sooner he faced each new change that was coming, the easier things would be on Trevor.  Or maybe he just thought, because I was still there to help him, it was a good weekend to begin packing. Knowing Johnny the way I do, I’m willing to bet money on that last one.

 

            Johnny and I made five trips each from the Rover to the house until all the boxes were in the laundry room. He took scissors, strapping tape, and black Magic Markers from a kitchen drawer.  He tossed a marker at me and pointed to a cabinet.

 

“You can start that--with that one.”

            “Gonna get all the work you can outta me before I leave, is that it?”

 

Johnny grinned.  “That’s it.”

 

As I began stacking plastic food storage containers and lids in the box, I thought it was a good sign that Johnny’s sense of humor hadn’t left him.  I felt a little better then about my impending trip home on Wednesday.  Johnny hadn’t let his job loss defeat him.  He was moving forward – working hard yet on his physical recovery from the aneurysm, making decisions about where he and Trevor would live, and thinking ahead to the possibility of accepting a new job.     

 

After my box was full, I labeled it and taped the lid shut. Johnny taped and labeled the box he’d been filling as I walked to the laundry room and grabbed two more boxes. Johnny had just stacked our two full boxes in one corner of the kitchen when a high-pitched “beep beep beep” came from somewhere near the toaster.  I turned, not sure what the source of the sound was. Johnny made no move to investigate its source, but stood in the middle of the kitchen floor, his body taunt as though adrenaline was telling him to run, but for some reason his brain was overriding that command.  As the beeping continued, he hurried to the back door and stepped out onto the deck.  I went to the open doorway.  Spring air heavy with dampness drifted into the laundry room.

 

“John--”

 

He held up a hand to silence me.  I stepped onto the deck and stood next to him, trying to figure out what he was focusing on.  Within a few seconds I realized he wasn’t looking at anything in particular, but was listening to the distant sound of the fire whistle.  Whenever it made a revolution on top of the tower in the fire station’s parking lot that caused it to face Johnny’s home, the sound grew louder. 

 

As the seconds lengthened to minutes, the siren seemed to grow more insistent, as though it was trying to say every available firefighter and paramedic was needed.  It was then that I realized what I’d heard in the kitchen was Johnny’s pager.  The one he always had with him that summoned him to fire and rescue calls when he was away from the station.  With everything that had been going on in the past week, he’d forgotten to turn it into Carl. 

 

As the siren continued to wail, Johnny hurried past me. 

 

“Johnny, where--”

 

“Come on.”

 

I watched him slip into his coat and boots just as smoothly and quickly as he had during the years we worked at Station 51 and klaxons had us jumping into our turnouts in the middle of the night. 

 

“Where’re we going?”

 

“Town.”

 

I didn’t think that was such a good idea.  Whatever was going on, he was no longer Eagle Harbor’s fire chief.  The rescue call was best left to someone else in my opinion.

 

“Johnny--”

 

He threw my coat at me. 

 

“Hurry up!”

 

“But I don’t think you should--”

 

“Just gonna see if anyone need--needs my help.”

 

“But--”

 

That was as far as my protest got.  He tossed my boots at me next, pulling me out the door before I had a chance to put them on.  I paused on the deck long enough to get the boots over my socks, then ran after Johnny as he raced for the Land Rover.  I was barely in the passenger seat before he hit the accelerator and took off down the driveway.  I still didn’t think this was a good idea.  I thought we should stay at his house and continue our packing without worrying about what was going on in town, but I knew Johnny was thinking of Phil and Carl, and the numerous other Eagle Harbor police officers, firefighters, and paramedics gathered in Anchorage that weekend.  He probably wasn’t any more certain than I was as to who’d been left in charge, and if there was enough manpower to handle whatever emergency the siren was announcing.

 

I grabbed the dashboard as he took a corner too sharp, throwing me against the door. 

 

“Now I remember why I never let you drive,” I muttered.

 

He glanced at me, grinned, and continued to speed toward Eagle Harbor.

 

 

Chapter 65

 

Johnny didn’t have to stop at the fire station to find out where the emergency was.  He followed the vehicles exiting the station, smoothly flowing between a paramedic squad and an engine, as though the Land Rover belonged in the midst of flashing lights and sirens.  The fog grew heavier and thicker, and the air colder.  Or so it seemed to Johnny. Considering the Rover’s heater was on, maybe the perception of a damp chill came from the part of his brain that knew what a foggy spring day in southern Alaska felt like. The sudden drop in visibility that barely enabled him to see the red lights through the mist allowed Johnny an educated guess regarding their destination.

 

“We’re headed to the hab-harbor.”

 

Roy leaned forward in his seat, squinting to see through the fog. 

 

“Glad you know where we’re going.”

 

“See.”

 

“See what?  I can’t see a thing.”

 

“Good thing I drove afer-after all.” 

 

“That’s still debatable.”

 

“Maybe for you, but not for me.”

 

Their banter reminded Johnny of all the times they’d ridden together in Squad 51.  And just like thirty years ago, as soon as they arrived at the scene, the banter stopped and they were all business as they hurried from the Rover.

 

Roy tagged along as Johnny strode toward a huddled group of men at the water’s edge who would have been impossible to see had it not been for the yellow reflective stripes on their turnout coats.  Johnny knew Roy was prepared to offer whatever assistance he could, but he also suspected there was another reason for Roy’s purposeful stride at his heels.  He was prepared to pull Johnny out of the way if they weren’t welcome.

 

Johnny refused to think about how he’d react if he were told his services weren’t needed. He wasn’t here to take over anyone’s duties, or assert authority he no longer had.  He was simply here to help in any way possible, even if that meant doing nothing more than setting out roadside flares and keeping the already gathering crowd of on-lookers at a safe distance.

 

Hysterical screams and panicked cries for help rolled in with the fog, coming from somewhere in that sea of misty water.  Johnny’s walk changed to a run.  Faces that seemed too young beneath firefighters’ helmets turned to look at the sound of heavy boots pounding against pavement.  The uncertainty in their eyes was apparent.  And then, seconds later, so was the relief.  Johnny wondered who’d been so stupid as to let all the senior members of the fire department go to Anchorage, not leaving behind anyone with some experience and maturity under his or her belt to handle a disaster of this magnitude.  Right now that wasn’t important though.  What was important was getting everyone out of the frigid ocean before there was nothing but lifeless bodies to bring ashore.

 

Johnny didn’t know who was happier to see him, the young firefighters desperately looking for a leader, or Eagle Harbor’s mayor, Jim Beaumont, whose massive stomach bounced up and down as he lumbered toward Johnny.  Johnny met the man halfway, not wanting to deal with a heart attack on a day when they were going to have enough to deal with.

 

The man huffed and puffed as he tried to talk and draw in air at the same time.  “John, I’m glad you’re here.”

 

“What happened?”

 

“The ferry.”

 

“What about it?”

 

“Chuck called in a mayday.  It’s taking on water faster than the pumps can send it back out.  We don’t know why.  All we do know is that the passengers are being forced to abandon ship, and it’s loaded with all those little girls headed for Juneau to sell their cookies.”

 

Johnny didn’t need further explanation.  He’d seen the kids around town that week in their Brownie and Girl Scout uniforms.  He’d bought half a dozen boxes of cookies from Dana’s daughter Courtney after his physical therapy session on Wednesday.  Aside from the girls and their troop leaders, the ferry would have been filled to capacity with people headed for Alaska’s mainland to run errands, visit relatives, see a movie, and shop at places like Wal-Mart and Target, where the prices were cheaper than any to be had in Eagle Harbor.

 

 Johnny didn’t ask if it was okay for him to begin rescue operations.  He just did so.  Besides, the look on the mayor’s round face said this was exactly what he’d been hoping for.

 

Johnny turned to his firefighters, asking for a handie talkie. Without hesitation, one was thrust into his outstretched hand.  He put it to his mouth, clicked the “talk” button, and raised Happie at dispatch.  He told her to contact the Coast Guard, and then contact to Gus and get him to the harbor with his helicopter.  He finished by telling her to contact Bartlett Hospital in Juneau and Eagle Harbor’s medical center to inform them that a large number of patients would be arriving.

 

“10-4, Chief.” 

 

Leave it to Happie not to question why the man who really wasn’t the chief any longer was giving her orders. And leave it to her to add, “About damn time your butt is back in the saddle.”

 

“Thanks.”  Johnny turned, scanning the idle fishing boats moored in the harbor.  “An’ get a hold of ever-every boat captain you can.  Tell ‘em get down here.  We’re go-gonna need their help.”

 

“10-4.  We’ll get right on it.”

 

Johnny didn’t know exactly who “we” was, but assumed various town’s people were gathering at the station to see how they could help. 

 

By the time Johnny was finished talking to Happie, the crowd of paramedics, EMTs and firefighters had grown as his volunteer force began to arrive. Johnny saw Carl’s police force doing their job by keeping on-lookers and panicked relatives away from the emergency workers and vehicles. 

 

“What can I do to help?”

 

Johnny turned to the portly mayor.  “We need these boats.  When the guys get here, tell ‘em come out and help us, but slow.  They got-gotta go slow, Jim. Slow and careful.”

 

“I’ll tell ‘em.”

 

The fire department owned just one rescue boat. Johnny quickly picked out the firefighters and EMTs he wanted with him, leaving enough room for Roy to join them.   While the boat was being unmoored, he turned to one of his volunteers, putting the woman in charge of shore duty. 

 

“I wan’ six to each boat.”

 

The woman nodded her understanding.  When the fishing boats left the harbor, he wanted people on them who could help pull victims from the water and give whatever medical aid was needed.   He was counting on her to decide the best mix of firefighters and EMTs to make up a skilled team for each departing boat.

 

Johnny saw his physician, Mark Benson, running toward the harbor, and spotted three nurses from the medical center arriving in their cars.  Johnny didn’t delay the rescue further by talking to Mark. They’d coordinated disaster drills together for many years now.  Mark was quite capable of setting up a triage unit without his assistant.

 

Johnny climbed on the boat, extending a hand to Roy to help him up the final rung of the ladder.  Johnny left the piloting to one of his firefighters who’d trained for just this sort of rescue.  The boat chugged into the fog, speed a potential killer this time instead of a lifesaver.  They couldn’t risk running over anyone.  One of the female firefighters pulled on the boat’s air horn. The noise carried to the people in the water.  Shouts of “Help! Help!” and “This way! Over here!” guided the pilot through the murky mist.

 

The fog was so thick it was like being shrouded in a gray blanket.  The rescue boat was almost on top of the first victims before Johnny saw them.  He held up his right arm, commanding, “Slower!  Slow down!”

 

Dana’s hair clung to her skull.  Two little girls bobbed in the water beside her, both of them wearing flotation devices Johnny credited for saving their lives.  Dana was treading water without the aid of a life preserver.  Johnny surmised that in the chaos of the ferry sinking Dana shoved the children into the life preservers, then ran out of time to put one on herself. He hoped every adult had acted as quickly and selflessly.  If not, he didn’t want to think of how many little bodies they might pull from the ocean before this day ended.

 

Johnny and Roy reached over the side of the boat.  Johnny grabbed Dana’s daughter, pulling her up and into the vessel.   Roy grabbed the other girl, whose first name Johnny wasn’t certain of, but whom he recognized as a granddaughter of the man who owned Eagle Harbor’s hardware store. The children shivered and cried; their frigid skin a ghostly white. 

 

“You’re okay,” Johnny soothed.  “You’re okay now.”

 

He handed Courtney to an EMT who wrapped her in a thick blanket, then bent to grab Dana’s outstretched hand. 

 

The forty-degree water had already taken a toll on the woman.  Her lips were blue, her hands so cold she couldn’t hang onto Johnny.  She lost her grip with a weak cry and disappeared beneath the water.  Courtney yelled, “Mom!” as Johnny dove off the side of the boat.  No matter how much he’d tried to mentally prepare himself for it, the icy water still sent shockwaves through his body.  He didn’t have time to dwell on the discomfort.  He grabbed Dana, pushed her to the surface and into Roy’s waiting arms.  When he saw she was safely on board, he scaled the ladder and got back in the boat, water dripping from his jeans and coat.

 

That wasn’t the last time Johnny went into the water, and before long, Roy was joining him.  Hypothermia set in quickly when the water temperature was below sixty degrees.  The passengers who’d abandoned the sinking ferry were exhausted and cold, barely able to tread water and head toward the oncoming boats that continued to grow in number as Eagle Harbor’s fishermen joined Johnny’s rescue efforts. 

 

Getting the children and the elderly out of the water were Johnny and Roy’s first priorities. They were the ones whose body temperatures would drop the quickest.  Almost everyone, adult and child, had life jackets on, which helped the situation.  Johnny knew they’d be facing a high casualty count if the ferry’s captain, Chuck Pendelton, hadn’t realized what was happening and ordered everyone to take emergency precautions.  There were a few strong swimmers, like Dana, who’d ended up in the water without flotation devices, but fortunately, more were wearing them than not.  Even skilled swimmers in excellent physical condition couldn’t survive for long in the icy waters of the northern Pacific.

 

By the time the Coast Guard arrived, Eagle Harbor’s little fire department had done herself proud.  With the help of the fishermen, they’d gotten everyone out of the water.  Victims in need of emergency care at Bartlett Hospital were transported via helicopter – either the one Gus was piloting with two paramedics now on board, or the one the Coast Guard supplied along with two medics of their own.  Those victims not in grave danger of succumbing to hypothermia were taken to shore, where Mark Benson and his medical staff offered initial care before ambulances, fire trucks, and even pickup trucks and SUV’s owned by town’s people, transported them to the medical center for follow-up care.

 

Trevor was on shore waiting for his father when the long morning was finally over. He’d hitched a ride from the airport with Gus’s wife, joining her in helping in any way he could, whether that was getting more blankets for Dr. Mark, or carrying a shivering child from one of the boats to a nurse working triage.

 

The teenager ran to his bedraggled parent.

 

“Papa!  Someone told me you were here!  They said you were in charge.  Does that mean--”

 

“Doesn’t mean anything, Trev,” Johnny said, teeth shattering and limbs shaking inside wet clothing. “Roy and I just helpin’ out.”

 

“But--”

 

“Come on.  Let’s go home.”

 

No one seemed to notice Johnny leading his son and his best friend toward the Land Rover, nor take notice when Johnny backed the Rover away from the harbor and headed it towards home with the heater blowing on “high.”  But that’s just the way Johnny wanted it.  Like he’d told Trevor, he’d only come to help.  His help wasn’t needed any longer, and on Sunday evening Carl and Phil would return, and the quest for a new fire chief would be back in full swing. Besides, everything would have turned out all right even if Johnny hadn’t shown up.  He was proud of the men and women he’d served beside today. They’d simply needed a little guidance to get them started.

 

Johnny never looked in his rearview mirror as he drove away from the scene.  If he had, he would have seen Jim Beaumont and a large group of firefighters trying to wave him down.  While Johnny thought of his presence at the disaster as insignificant, the people of Eagle Harbor thought differently.

 

           

Chapter 66

 

We staggered into Johnny’s house soaking wet, exhausted, and giving new meaning to the phrase, “chilled to the bone.”  Trevor hurried ahead of us while Johnny and I stood in the laundry room struggling to peel off our saturated boots, coats, and socks with fingers so cold they wouldn’t bend. Trev flicked on lights, threw logs, kindling and newspapers into the fireplace, then started a fire.  He charged up the stairs, returning with a pile of towels and blankets just as Johnny and I made it to the great room, our ice-encased jeans crackling as we walked stiff-legged like a couple of mummies from one of those old horror movies Chet Kelly liked so much. Trevor wrapped blankets around our shoulders as we stood against the stone hearth, then draped towels over our wet heads, making us look like shrouded chieftains about to give thanks to the Fire God for the warmth glowing against our backsides.

 

Trevor knew just what we needed next. 

 

“I’ll warm up some soup, and heat the leftover lasagna in the microwave.  And hot chocolate. I’ll make hot chocolate too.”

 

Johnny shook so hard his blankets trembled.  He nodded and managed to get his teeth to stop chattering long enough to say, “Thanks, Trev.”

 

Trevor scooted around the kitchen, getting out a pots, dishes, silverware, mugs, cans of soup, and a pan of lasagna from the refrigerator.  Johnny and I remained rooted in front of the fireplace, both of us knowing we should get out of our wet clothes and into hot showers, but both of us too damn cold to move. 

 

Johnny’s teeth were still chattering when he looked at me and grinned.  For a moment, I wasn’t in Eagle Harbor any longer with my best friend, but instead, somewhere thirty years in the past with my partner at a fire station in Los Angeles.  I wondered if he was seeing the same thing when he looked at me – age and time suspended, the fine lines around my mouth and eyes no longer there, my back a little straighter, my step more agile, and my white hair sandy-brown once again.

 

For just a few seconds, I think Johnny saw the young man I’d been, just like I saw the young man he’d been.  His grin grew wider.

 

“It was a hell of a rescue, Roy.”

 

“Yeah, it sure was.” 

 

“We have--haven’t been on a run together in a long time.”

 

I chuckled. “No, we haven’t.  And I should have known when you raced out of here this morning dragging me along with you that I’d come back cold, wet, hungry, and sore.”

 

“Can-can’t have you goin’ home ‘fore-before we had some fun.”

 

“If this was your idea of fun, remind me to say “no thanks” next time.”

 

“Wouldn’t do you any good.”

 

“No?”

 

“No.  I’d just drag you along.”

 

“That’s what I was afraid of.”

 

Johnny laughed, then used one stiff finger to point to the stairs.  “Bet-better get a hot shower and dry clothes.”

 

“You too.”

 

“I will.”

 

He turned and headed for Clarice’s room.  I watched him with silent admiration.  Johnny may not have been Eagle Harbor’s fire chief any longer, but in my book, no one else was better suited for the job. If the men who’d taken that title away from him didn’t realize what a huge mistake they’d made, then they didn’t deserve John Gage on their payroll. His talents could be put to better use for an employer who respected the experience and knowledge he’d bring to the job, and who didn’t care whether he stumbled over a word, or had to pause before he was able to complete a sentence.

 

It was Trevor’s voice that interrupted my musing. 

 

“Uncle Roy?”

 

I didn’t answer the boy until Johnny had disappeared from my view through the dining room.

 

“Yeah, Trev?”

 

“The food’s almost ready.  Don’t ya’ wanna take a shower before we eat?”

 

I shivered. “Guess I better, huh?”

 

“Yeah.  You look like an iceberg.”

 

I chuckled. “Come to think of it, I feel like an iceberg.”

 

“Then you’d better take a hot shower and put on dry clothes.  Aunt Joanne’ll shoot me and Papa if we send you home with pneumonia or something.”

 

“Don’t worry, Trevor, I think this is one part of my visit I won’t be telling your Aunt Joanne about.  At least not the part where I was swimming in forty degree water.”

 

“That’s probably a good idea.”

 

“You’re right.  It probably is.”

 

It was hell climbing those stairs with frozen pant legs. And it was heaven standing beneath a forceful stream of hot water until the bathroom was filled with so much steam it looked like a sauna. The Campbell’s cream of chicken soup and lasagna left from the previous night’s supper that Trevor made for us couldn’t have tasted better than some fancy meal at a gourmet restaurant.  When we were done eating, Trevor cleaned up the kitchen while Johnny and I refilled our mugs with hot chocolate, went to the great room, plopped down in the easy chairs and sat staring at the fire while we sipped our drinks.

 

Johnny thanked Trevor for handling the kitchen chores alone when the teenager joined us ten minutes later.  Trev asked if we wanted to watch a movie.  That was fine with both Johnny and I.  If Johnny’s muscles were half as stiff and sore as mine, I knew he didn’t want to move from his recliner and the warmth of the fire for the rest of the afternoon. 

 

Without intending to, I napped through most of the movie. When I woke up, I saw Johnny was sleeping.  A voice from the couch teased, “Boy, it’s no fun spending a Saturday afternoon with a couple of old guys.”

 

Before I could respond, Johnny opened one eye and turned to look at his son. 

 

“We might be ole--old, kiddo, but we’re tough as we were thirty years ago.”  He grinned at me.  “Right, Roy?”

 

I grinned in return. “Actually, I think life’s made us even tougher than we were back then.”

 

Trevor didn’t seem to understand what I was saying, but the smile and wink Johnny shot me said he knew exactly what I meant, and wholeheartedly agreed.

 

Part 11