Chapter 47

 

            Whenever Johnny looked back on his relationship with Ashton, he readily acknowledged their first three years together were amongst the best of his life.  Although he didn’t realize it at the time, the night Ashton turned down his proposal at the Silver Rose marked the beginning of a long, painful drawn-out ending. For individual reasons, both Johnny and Ashton should have said, “Things have changed between us.  It’s time to move on.”  Had they called it quits shortly after the botched proposal, Johnny would have been spared a lot of heartache. Yet, whenever those thoughts surfaced Johnny reminded himself that if there hadn’t been three additional years to the relationship, Trevor wouldn’t have been born.

 

            Johnny’s initial concerns about dating a doctor were unfounded.  Their co-workers and extended social circle in Denver accepted Johnny and Ashton as a couple.  Johnny wasn’t so naïve as to assume the relationship, while in its infancy, didn’t spark some gossip throughout Central Hospital, but not nearly the gossip it would have sparked had he dated a Rampart physician while living in L.A.  He’d been new to Denver when he and Ashton met.  Therefore, the gossip was limited by the fact that few hospital employees knew Johnny.  By the time they did get to know him, he and Ashton were a couple in everyone’s minds, so it didn’t seem as odd that a paramedic and doctor were dating as it might have otherwise. 

 

            Johnny also concluded their age difference played a factor in people’s acceptance.  He was going on forty when they met, meaning he was looked upon as mature, stable, and financially independent from the woman he was seeing.  Certainly far more mature and stable than the people who had known him in L.A. for so long would have given him credit for. But the shooting had changed Johnny.  Whatever impetuous, boyish nature remained in him when he accepted the position of Chief Paramedic Instructor in 1983, left him the night Chris was shot.  He arrived in Denver a different man than he’d been in L.A.  Quieter.  More reflective.  Cautious about opening himself up to people, and about how he handled each situation he encountered in the course of his work.  Ashton was the person who helped him find the “old” Johnny Gage again – the impulsive guy who loved to laugh, tease, and have a good time – and who gave him the ability to blend that person with the new more mature John Gage. 

 

            Time would prove that acceptance of Johnny’s relationship with Ashton by friends and co-workers should have been the least of his concerns.  In the end, the majority of adversity came from Ashton’s mother, and surprisingly to Johnny, from his grandfather.

 

            Margaret Riley continued to keep her animosity carefully masked in Johnny’s presence.  She was never less than a gracious hostess whenever he was a guest in her home, and she was never less than polite when she was a guest in his.  But had Margaret been willing to speak the truth, Johnny knew she’d tell him that, in her opinion, he wasn’t the right man for her daughter.

 

            Gray Wolf wasn’t nearly as concerned about being a gracious host as Margaret Riley was. As time went on, his dislike of Ashton was thinly veiled at best. He managed to keep his thoughts of the woman to himself, however, until the year after Trevor was born. It was then that he revealed to Johnny,  “She wasn’t the woman for you, Katori.  I knew it from the first day I met her.  Money – that was all she cared about.  How much she had, how much she could get her hands on, and what useless trinket it could buy her this week that she’d grow tried of by next week.”

 

            Johnny didn’t completely agree with his grandfather.  As the years passed, Ashton grew to become a well-respected cardiologist. She cared a lot about her patients and what she could do to improve their health. But yes, money made her world spin in the right direction too, and just like Margaret predicted to her daughter that September day in 1986, Johnny would never be able to provide Ashton with more than a middle income lifestyle, nor did he have the desire to after seeing the way Margaret and Ben lived.                       

            One thing that was evident to Johnny as time went on; Ashton was uncomfortable around his family. The way his grandfather remained tied to his heritage and culture seemed to embarrass her, as did the way Reah was also tied to the culture she’d reconnected with in her role as nurse/mid-wife on the reservation.  It hurt Johnny terribly several weeks after he’d proposed to Ashton when he overheard her on the phone with her best friend since childhood.

 

            “I think I made John understand why now isn’t the time for us to get married. I know he was disappointed, but it’s not that I don’t want to marry him someday, Meredith.  I love John. I really do.  But you know how much work a wedding is…how much preparation it takes.  Mother’ll want me in New York for every shower, every dress fitting, and every time she shops for another item for my trousseau.  Then to pick out the invitations, and the food for the reception, and the flowers, and probably for two dozen other things I’m not thinking of right now.  Not to mention the way John’s family will complicate things.”

 

            “No no, it’s not like that at all.  They won’t cause problems per se.  They’re…nice.  I don’t know them very well, but they seem easy to get along with.   Though his grandfather gives me the creeps sometimes with the way he stares at me.  Makes me feel like he wants my scalp, but overall, I can handle the old guy.  John’s grandfather and sister are just a little too…ethnic for my taste.  Mother would die if they walked into the country club dressed like they’re going to some kind of Indian war council.”

 

            “No, I’m not kidding you.  Honest. That’s how they look half the time.  And if we do get married someday, how the hell do I say to John, ‘Please make sure your grandfather and sister show up wearing normal clothes.’?  Oh well, I’m not going to worry about it right now, and come to think of it, watching Mother deal with them will be loads of fun.”

 

            Ashton laughed then, never realizing Johnny was quietly leaving the room. She’d been sitting on the bed with her back to him, and must have thought he was still over at Greg’s helping the man hang new gutters on his house.

 

            Whenever Johnny thought of that phone conversation, he wondered why he didn’t end his relationship with Ashton right then. Why he didn’t see they were so different that a marriage between them would never last for long. But no matter how much Ashton hurt him, and she did so frequently the last three years they spent together, his love for her remained strong almost until the bitter end.  Maybe he was afraid to move on without her.  Or maybe he thought she was his last chance at marriage and children. Or maybe he was just so damn sick of starting over that no matter how doomed the relationship was, he clung to Ashton because he felt too old and worn out to begin his life anew once again. He’d done so after Kim and Jessie died.  He’d done so again after Chris was shot.  Because of those past tragedies, on nights when Johnny laid awake wondering if he and Ashton really had a future together, he’d eventually decide, yes, they did, because being with her was better than being alone.

 

            Or so it seemed, until he’d proposed to her two more times in two years, and was continuously turned down because she was “too busy” to plan a wedding.  Not that Johnny wouldn’t acknowledge Ashton was “too busy.”  She put ninety to one hundred hours a week into all of the responsibilities that comprised her fellowship program. That left almost no time for Johnny and Ashton to pursue the activities they’d enjoyed as a couple early in their relationship – horseback riding, hiking, biking, and kayaking amongst other things. Ashton’s drive for her career changed what they had together, what they’d meant to one another.  And the more hours she put in, the more exhausted and stressed she became, until she almost seemed to resent Johnny’s presence in the condo when she did manage to get away from the hospital.

 

            Money became a bigger issue between them as well.  More and more Johnny was seeing a side to Ashton that hadn’t been revealed earlier – or maybe he’d chosen to ignore it.  As the end of her fellowship grew closer, she began to talk frequently of relocating to New York City.  Her other goals included traveling to Europe and Asia on “working vacations” where she’d teach the latest cardiovascular techniques at hospitals and universities, in-between visits to art museums, ancient ruins, and skiing in the Swiss Alps.

 

            “But we’ve built a life for ourselves here,” Johnny would say whenever Ashton voiced her plans for the future.  “I thought maybe we’d buy a little place out in the country and…”

 

            “A place in the country?”

 

            “Yeah, you know.  Small ranch. Ranchette. Whatever you wanna call it.  Just big enough so we could have a few horses and a place to ride them.  A safe place for kids to run around and play without us having to worry about them.”

 

            “I’m not cut out to live in the country, John.”

 

            “But you like riding horses and hiking.”

 

            “Yes, for one afternoon on occasion, but not for every day of my life.  Besides, you love New York.”

 

            “Yeah, for one afternoon on occasion, but not for every day of my life.”

 

            Ashton didn’t realize how seriously Johnny meant his biting words.

 

            “Oh, come on.  What’s not to love about New York?  You can get a job with the fire department there.  Or you can stay home if you want to.  I’ll be earning more than enough money for both of us to live on by then.”

 

            “And what am I supposed to do all day if I don’t work?”

 

            “Um…I don’t know.  Whatever it is you like to do.”

 

            “I like to ride horses, and hike, and fish, and--”

 

            “So you’ll do those things.”

 

            Johnny raised a skeptical eyebrow.  “In New York City?”

            “Sure.”

 

            “Ashton…”

 

            “Well, okay, we’ll get a weekend place out of the city.  A lot of people do that.  You can stay there whenever you want to, for as long as you want to.”

 

            “And just what kinda marriage are we gonna have if I do that?  The kind your parents have?”

 

            “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

            “It means your father puts in eighty hours a week at his job, while your mother does her own thing.  Including staying at their place in the country for weeks without him.”

 

            “So?  What’s your point?  They’re perfectly happy, aren’t they?”

 

            Johnny snorted and walked away from the woman in disgust.  If she was so blind that she couldn’t see her parents weren’t “perfectly happy,” or at least didn’t have much of a marriage, then far be it from him to point that out to her.  It wouldn’t benefit him to anyway.  Ashton would never see her parents, their marriage, and their lifestyle, as less than flawless, and he’d never see their marriage and lifestyle as less than anything but full of flaws, just as Grandma Kate did.

 

            These same arguments were replayed numerous times during the years of Ashton’s fellowship, making it apparent that Johnny and the woman didn’t have the same goals for the future. Hell, all he wanted was to get married, have a couple of kids, provide his wife and children with a nice little place in the country, and keep working for the Denver Fire Department.  He’d love it if Ashton would agree to stay home and raise the children, but he’d given up on that idea, to instead just settle for her being willing to give birth to them.  If she wanted to continue her career as a full time cardiologist after the kids were born, then he wouldn’t complain.  He might not like it, but he wouldn’t voice that.  His schedule meant he was home three to four days a week for twenty-four hour time periods.  Maybe they could work something out so Ashton could be there on a couple of the days he wasn’t, and then they’d only have to make use of a babysitter one or two days.  Johnny thought his plan through so often that he had it memorized, but the trouble was, Ashton continued to be unreceptive to the idea of children, and didn’t seem particularly interested in getting married either.  Actually, she seemed less interested in the idea of marriage as the years passed, rather than more interested as she’d promised Johnny she would be.

 

            By the time Kate Riley died, Johnny wondered why he and Ashton were even living together yet.  Things had gone from bad to worse between them during 1991. He often thought they were more of an old habit for one another than anything else.  From things Ashton said, he finally began to see the writing on the wall.  After she finished her fellowship in the summer of ‘92, she’d be returning to New York.  She no longer mentioned Johnny moving with her, and when he pointed that out to her one day she shrugged an indifferent shoulder and said, “I just assumed you wouldn’t want to come.”

 

            “So does that mean it’ll be over between us then?”

 

            “I didn’t say that.”

 

            “No, you didn’t.  But I don’t see how we can have a marriage if I’m here in Denver, and you’re in New York.”

 

            She wouldn’t answer him, which caused Johnny to conclude there would be no marriage. Why he just didn’t ask her to move out then, he never knew.  Given their unorthodox work schedules, they rarely saw one another any more, which meant Johnny often felt like he was living alone again as it was.

 

            Because their once active sex life had dwindled to almost nothing during 1991 too, Johnny knew the exact evening Trevor was conceived.  They’d just returned from Grandma Kate’s funeral.  Up until then, Ashton hadn’t expressed much remorse over the old woman’s passing.  She’d slept on the plane to New York, and then was kept busy with family obligations during the three days they were at her parents’ house.  But once they arrived back at the condo and were unpacking their suitcases, Ashton sank to the bed and started crying.

 

            Johnny sat down next to her, wrapping his arms around her when she snuggled into his chest. Because of Ashton’s sobs, he couldn’t understand half of what she was saying. He caught the gist of it though, and listened as she recalled all the times she’d spent with the feisty, lovable grandmother who always spoke her mind.

 

            “I always…I always had a good time when I was with her. She made everything we did seem like a big adventure.”

 

            Johnny kissed her hair while running a comforting hand up and down her back.

 

            “I know,” he said softly. “I know.”

 

            “She drove my mother crazy, but God, I loved her.” Ashton laughed a little between her tears.  “That’s probably half the reason why I loved Grandma Kate as much as I did. Because she could always get the best of Mother.”

 

Johnny chuckled. “I think that’s why everyone loved Grandma Kate.”

 

Ashton looked up at him between lashes. “Even you?”

 

“Especially me.”

 

That made the woman laugh harder for some reason, and before Johnny knew it they were acting silly and playful in a way they hadn’t in almost a year now.  They fell sideways to the mattress, removing clothing as they rolled and tousled amongst the covers.

 

They made love twice, then woke up a few hours later and made love again before showering and going to a nearby restaurant for a late supper.

 

            That August night was the last good time they had together.  Soon, they were both back at work, and Ashton was gone from the condo more than she was there.  Working at the hospital. Taking her meals there.  Studying there.  Even sleeping there several times a week. 

 

Johnny often wondered if she would have ever told him she was expecting if he hadn’t found the pregnancy test box amongst the garbage one morning in early November. He thought it was odd when he arrived home from work to see two black bags sitting in the garage with the twist ties already secured.  Ashton wasn’t the type of woman who got the garbage ready for pickup.  But on that day it was ready, along with a handwritten note taped to one bag that read:

 

John,

 

     I had a few extra minutes this morning so I got the garbage ready for you. Have a nice day off.  See you when I can.

 

Ashton

 

            Johnny should have been more suspicious of the motive behind Ashton’s actions, but he’d just come off a busy shift and was more grateful for this chore being done than he was curious as to why Ashton did it to begin with.  He grabbed her note off of the bag, crinkled it up, and shoved it in a pocket of his denim coat.  He hoisted the two bags from the garage floor and hurried toward the curb.  He could see the garbage truck down the street, headed his way.

 

            As Johnny rushed down the driveway, one of the bags broke open.

 

            “Dammit!”

 

            Leave it to Ashton to overload a garbage bag.  Didn’t her parents ever make her do even the simplest chore when she was a kid?

 

            Johnny found a little humor in that as he got the one intact bag to the curb just as the garbage truck stopped next to it.  Of course Ashton hadn’t been made to do simple chores.  Johnny knew very well by now that she’d never had to do any chores. 

 

            The paramedic was brought out of his thoughts by a voice asking,          “Want us to wait while you clean that up?”

 

            Johnny looked from the garbage man to the mess in the driveway, and then back to the garbage man again.

 

            “Nah, go ahead.  I don’t wanna hold you guys up.”

 

            “Whatever you say.”

 

            The man jumped on the back of the truck.  The driver headed off for the next stop, while Johnny went to the garage.  He grabbed two garbage bags and twist ties from the box in the cabinet, then took the broom and dustpan from their pegs on the wall.  If he hurried, he could get the mess bagged up, thrown into the back of the Rover, and catch up with the garbage men before they left the neighborhood.

 

            Johnny swept the empty boxes, cans, and jars that had spilled from the broken bag into a neat pile.  He used the broom to push what would fit onto the dustpan, then dumped all of it into a new bag.   He repeated the action five times before sealing that bag and opening the second one.  He starting sweeping up the remaining trash, stopping abruptly when he spotted the lettering on an unfamiliar box.

 

            The paramedic crouched down.  Now it made sense why Ashton had done a chore she’d never done in all of the years they’d lived together.  It had nothing to do with her having a few extra minutes that morning, and everything to do with her not wanting Johnny to know she’d taken an at-home pregnancy test.

 

               Johnny left the garbage in the middle of the driveway and ran for the Land Rover.  He raced to Central Hospital, all the while cautioning himself not to get his hopes up.  Ashton might not be pregnant.  She might have missed her period due to stress and the long hours she was working, and not because she was carrying his baby.  Still, Johnny couldn’t keep the silly grin off of his face as he fought the urge to ignore the speed limit.

 

            The Land Rover squealed into a parking space.  Johnny barely took the time to grab the keys out of the ignition before he was running for the hospital’s entrance.  He rushed up and down the corridors looking for Ashton, not caring how big of a fool he made of himself.  He didn’t know how many nurses and doctors he stopped and asked, “Have you seen Ashton?” or “Do you know where Doctor Riley’s at?” before someone finally directed him to the teaching wing of the vast hospital.

 

            The paramedic found Ashton in Room 101, just like he’d been told he would.  She stood in front of a class full of interns, giving a lecture.  She briefly made eye contact with Johnny, then tried to ignore him, but he wouldn’t stand for that.  He held his arms over his head, crisscrossing them back and forth in the form of a wave in an effort to regain her attention.  He would have jumped up and down like a five year old too, if she hadn’t finally said to her class, “Excuse me. I’ll be back in just a minute.”  

 

            Ashton grabbed Johnny’s arm and propelled him into the empty hallway. She shut the door behind her.

 

            “John, what’s going on? Can’t you see I’m in the middle of a class?”

 

            Johnny grasped her upper arms and squeezed lightly, all the while grinning from ear to ear. “Are you?”

 

            “Am I what?”

 

            “Pregnant?  Are you pregnant?”

 

            The woman paled.  “No…no, of course not.  What would make you ask something like that?”

 

            “I found the pregnancy test in the garbage.”

 

            “Why the hell were you going through the garbage?”

 

            “I wasn’t going through it!  You put too much in the damn bag and it broke open.”  Johnny squeezed her arms.  “Ashton, I’m gonna ask you again.  Are you pregnant?”

 

            “What difference would it make if I am?”

            “It makes a helluva lotta difference if it’s mine.”

 

            “Of course it’s yours! How dare you imply….I mean, if I was pregnant, of course it would be yours, but I’m not.”

 

            “Ashton, don’t you fucking lie to me.  Don’t you dare lie to me about this.”

 

            Ashton’s eyes flicked up and down the corridor to make certain it was still empty, but Johnny didn’t give a shit who overheard him.

 

            “Now I’m gonna ask you one last time and I want the truth.  Are you pregnant?”

 

            “I…it doesn’t matter if I am.”

 

            “Why?”

            The woman wriggled out of Johnny’s grasp. She shoved her hands in the pockets of her white lab coat and turned her back on him.

 

            “Why? Why doesn’t it matter?”

 

            “Because…” Ashton took a deep breath, then turned around and faced Johnny. “Because I’ve already made an appointment to have an abortion.”

           

            “No!  Ashton, no!  You can’t.”

 

            “It’s my body, so yes, I can.”

 

            “But it’s my child. Ashton, please. Please no.”

 

            Johnny would have gotten down on his knees right then and there and begged her if he had to.  What made her willing to reconsider he never knew.  Maybe it was the fact that she had to figure out a way to make him leave so she could get back to her class.  Maybe she was afraid someone would come along and overhear their conversation.  Or maybe she took pity on him when she saw the tears in his eyes and heard how his voice cracked when he pleaded again, “No, Ashton.  Please, no. Don’t do it. Please.”

 

            “I…I’ll think about it.  That’s all I can promise right now.  I’ll think about it and we’ll…we’ll discuss it when I get home.”

 

            “When’s that gonna be?”

            “Tonight sometime. I don’t know when, but tonight.”

 

            “Promise? Promise me you’ll come home so we can talk about this?”

 

            “Yes, John.  I…I promise.”

 

            Johnny knew it was a weak promise at best, but he had no choice other than to take her at her word. 

 

            “Just please…please, Ashton, don’t do anything until we’ve talked about this.”

 

She closed her eyes in defeat.  “I won’t.”

 

Johnny bent forward and brushed his lips across her forehead.  “Thank you,” he whispered.  “Thank you.”

 

He watched her collect hers emotions, then walk back into her classroom as though nothing had happened.  As though she hadn’t just told the man she’d lived with for five years that she was carrying his child and planned to abort it. The man she knew would marry her the minute she said “yes” to his proposal. The man she knew would love her until “death do us part.”  And above all else, the man she knew wanted to raise a child with her as much as any man possibly could.

 

Johnny leaned back against the wall, willing his legs to stop trembling. A moment that should have made him the happiest man on earth instead left him drained and despondent.  He had to trust Ashton not to do anything drastic before they were able to talk, only he didn’t trust her. At least not where this decision was concerned. 

 

When Johnny’s legs finally steadied, he swiped all evidence of tears from his eyes and headed for the nearest exit.  Between now and when Ashton arrived home, he had to come up with every argument possible to convince her to spare the life of their child.

 

            Johnny trudged to the Land Rover with his head bent and hands shoved deep into the pockets of his blue jeans.  He wished he had somewhere to turn – someone to talk to about this before he faced Ashton.  It was then a thought the paramedic hadn’t had in several years now ran through his mind.  

 

            I wish Roy was here.  God how I wish I could talk to Roy about this and get his advice.

 

            Johnny hadn’t felt so alone and hopeless since first arriving in Denver.  It was odd that the man who’d caused him to leave Los Angeles, was the same man he longed to seek advice from now.  Whether that proved Johnny’s ties to the friendship were still strong, or whether that proved he was just a damn fool, the paramedic didn’t know and he didn’t care.  All he did know was when you had a problem that seemed too big to handle Roy DeSoto was a pretty good guy to talk to about it. 

 

            Because Roy wasn’t there to talk to, Johnny returned to the condo that morning.  He paced the floor for hours. When he was finally too exhausted to take another step, he sank to the couch, buried his head in his hands, and waited for Ashton to come home.

 

Chapter 48

 

            “Hey, Roy.”

 

            I looked up as Carl’s bulk straddled the stool beside me.  A week had passed since the Friday evening Johnny told me the reasons why his relationship with Ashton deteriorated, and then how he discovered she was pregnant with Trevor.

 

            “Hey yourself.”

 

I glanced through the front window of the Northern Lights Café.  The white Dodge Durango with the words Eagle Harbor Police Department printed boldly on both sides was parked next to Johnny’s Land Rover. 

 

“Out on patrol?”

 

“Not really.”

 

Carl’s attention shifted from me. He smiled at the approaching waitress, who greeted him with small town familiarity while refilling my coffee cup. 

 

“I’ll have a cup a’ that, Marcie, along with one a’ those chocolate doughnuts if they’re still fresh.”

 

Marcie put one hand on her hip and winked.  “ ‘Bout as fresh as you are.”

 

“Then they’re still fresh.”

 

            “Twenty-four hours a day, big guy.”

 

            “The doughnuts?” Carl waggled his eyebrows. “Or me?”

 

            The woman winked again. “I think we both know the answer to that.”

 

             Neither one of them elaborated as Marcie went to the glass display case and retrieved Carl’s doughnut, leaving me uncertain if this was nothing more than innocent flirting that dated back to kindergarten, or if there was something more to their relationship than that.  If there was something more, I never detected signs of it that morning.  Marcie moved off to wait on other customers, while Carl and I sat side by side at the far end of the counter sipping coffee and eating our doughnuts.

 

            “How’s your uncle?”

 

            “Havin’ a rough time of it, but Mom’s takin’ good care of him.  He’ll be all right.”  Carl took a big bite of his doughnut, chewed and swallowed.  “By the way, thanks for offering to stick around. Mom woulda’ ended up right back in bed if she’d tried to take care of Uncle Renee´ and run John’s household at the same time.”

 

            “That’s what I was afraid of.”

 

            “John’s at physical therapy?”

 

            I’d just brought the rim of my coffee cup to my lips, so I nodded and gave Carl an “Uh huh,” around the liquid traveling down my throat.

 

            “I’ve been lookin’ for you.  Just came from the house.”

 

            I rested my cup back on the saucer.  Usually I hang around in town killing time while Johnny’s in a session, unless it’s one that lasts all day.  Then I go back to his place.”

 

            “All day?”

 

            “Dana’s got him doing two eight hour sessions a week.”

 

            “So that’s good, right?  I mean that he’s got the stamina to do that.”

 

            “Yeah, it’s good. And good that he goes now without putting up a fuss.”

 

            “He’s still doing his exercises at home, too?”

 

            “Yep.”

 

            “And he’s getting better at ‘em?  Getting stronger?  Walking better?”

 

            I could feel my forehead furrow as I shot Carl a puzzled look.  I couldn’t figure out why he was asking questions he already knew the answers to.  He stopped by Johnny’s a couple of times a week - had even eaten with us on Sunday evening – so he was well informed about Johnny’s progress.

 

            “Yeah,” I acknowledged. “He’s getting better.”

 

            “And his speech is better. He’s getting easier to understand, don’t ya’ think?”

 

            Carl sounded like he needed reassurance for some reason, more than he really needed me to answer his questions.

 

            “Yeah, I think he’s getting a lot easier to understand. He still has challenges in a several areas, but he’s working hard to overcome them.”

 

            “So how soon do you think he’ll be back to running our fire department?”

 

            There was an urgency to Carl’s question I didn’t know the source of.  Therefore, I was cautious about the answer I gave him.  I didn’t want Carl to think he heard me say something I hadn’t. To think he heard me promise Johnny would return to work as Eagle Harbor’s fire chief, when I wasn’t willing to make a promise like that.

 

            “I don’t know the answer to that, Carl.  Johnny and his doctor are the only two people who can make that decision.”

 

            “But his doctor thinks he’s doing better, right?  You told me that on Sunday.  You said you’d taken John for a doctor’s appointment on Friday. You said Doctor Webber was happy with his progress.”

 

            “Yeah, I did. But that doesn’t automatically mean Johnny’ll be able to return to work.”

 

            “But that’s what he wants, doesn’t he?”

 

            “I think he wants it more than he wants anything right now, but wanting it and being physically able to do what his job requires are two different things. ”

 

            Carl gave a slow, thoughtful nod as he took a swallow of coffee.  When he’d returned his cup to its saucer, he said, “It’s been a little more than two months since he collapsed. Since the aneurysm burst.”

 

            I nodded.  I’d arrived five weeks after that event, and had now been at Johnny’s for a month.

 

            “If he’s out more than twelve weeks, he can be replaced.”

 

            “What?”

 

            Carl paused while Marcie refilled our coffee cups.  After she walked away, he looked around the café, making certain we wouldn’t be overheard.  It was a little after ten.  The breakfast crowd was gone, and the lunch crowd hadn’t started pouring in yet. Other than a group of old men nursing cups of coffee and shooting the bull around a big table in the center of the room, the place was empty.  Nonetheless, Carl still lowered his voice and hunkered close to my right shoulder.

 

            “The Family Medical Leave Act.  It says something about a person being entitled to as much as twelve weeks off, but after that they can be replaced.”

 

            “Yeah, it does,” I agreed, trying to recall all the ins and outs of the act that the fire department had given us literature on when it first went into place. “But it doesn’t say the person has to be replaced after twelve weeks.  An employer has that option, but they also have the option to leave the job open pending the employee’s return.”

 

            “I know.”

 

            “So what’s the problem?”

 

            “A guy by the name of Tim Ellison.”

 

            I tried to recall where I’d heard the name before.  Just as I questioned, “Tim Ellison?” I remembered Phil Marceau mentioning the man’s name in Carl’s office a few weeks earlier.

 

            “Chairman of the Police and Fire Commission.

 

            “Why’s he a problem?”

 

            “ ‘Cause he’s the guy who’s pushing to have John replaced.”

 

            “What’s he got against Johnny?”

 

            “Nothing. Or so he says.”

 

            “But you don’t believe him.”

 

            Carl shrugged.  “I don’t have reason not to believe him, let’s put it that way.”

 

            “Then what’s his gripe?”

 

            “His gripe – or maybe better put my gripe – is that Ellison’s a by-the-book pain-in-the-ass newcomer who doesn’t understand Eagle Harbor isn’t some ritzy Chicago suburb.”

 

            “That’s where he’s from?”

 

            “Yeah.  Some place called Lake Forest. Toney. Or so I’ve heard, and judging by the highfalutin airs he puts on, I’d say it’s true.”

 

            “So he wants to take Johnny’s job away from him, is that it?”

 

            “If John isn’t back to work in three more weeks, yeah, that’s it.”

 

            “Carl, there’s no way he’ll be back to work in three weeks.”

 

            “Do you think he’ll be back at all?”

 

            I thought about that question a long time before I answered him. 

 

            “Without making any promises, I believe it’s a strong possibility.  He wants to be back at that fire station. He doesn’t say much about it, but I know he does.  And this Ellison guy needs to realize Johnny’s working his butt off to make that happen.  He wasn’t at first.  You and I both know that.  But he’s really had a big change of heart these past few weeks.”

 

            “Ever since you got here.”

 

            “Johnny’s determination has nothing to do with me.”

 

            “I think it has a lot to do with you.”

 

            “How so?”

 

            “I honestly don’t know.  But I do know that John apparently needed a friend – specifically you – to get him motivated.  To make him see everything he could lose if he didn’t at least try to do all he could for himself.”

 

            “I might have opened his eyes to some of that, but Johnny’s the one who’s put in all the effort, not me.”

 

            “I think you’ve put in a helluva lot of effort on his behalf so don’t sell yourself short, ‘cause I know John sure won’t.”

 

            “Johnny’s put in a lot of effort on my behalf more than a few times over the thirty-five years we’ve known one another, so I’ll just say we’re even as far as I’m concerned and leave it at that.”

 

            “You can leave it however you want to.  None of it’s gonna make much difference if Ellison gets his way. Not how hard John is working.  Not how far he’s come, or how far he’ll go.  Not how much the people of this town respect him, or how much his employees wanna see him back in that fire station every day.”

 

            “Can’t the rest of you on the commission put a stop to this?  Slow it down a bit?”

 

            “We’re tryin’, but Ellison’s talking about getting a lawyer.”

 

            “A lawyer? What for?”

 

            “To see that things are carried out legal and proper. Or some such bullshit.  He doesn’t understand how things are done here, Roy.  This is Eagle Harbor, not some big city where we put a lotta stock in rules and regulations.  As far as I’m concerned, there’s no rush for John to return.  If it takes six more months, then it takes six more months.  Phil agrees with me.  He’ll stand-in as chief until John can come back.”

 

            “Then can’t you and Phil convince Ellison to give Johnny some more time?”

 

            “We’ve tried, but we aren’t havin’ much luck.”

 

            We fell into a heavy silence then.  I was mulling over what this news was going to do to Johnny, how it might be the kind of blow that would cause him to regress in a way he’d never fully recover from.  I don’t know what Carl’s thoughts were, but I saw him wave Marcie off as she approached us again with the coffee pot.

 

            “I don’t know what to do, Roy.  That’s why I wanted to talk to you this morning.  You know more about John’s mental state right now than I do.  How’ll he handle this?”

 

            I sighed.  “I have no idea.  I’m…I’m afraid it might set him back though.  Make him stop working so hard. Three weeks…” I shook my head. “Three weeks just isn’t gonna be long enough, Carl, and Johnny’ll be just as aware of that fact as I am.”

 

            “What do you think I should do?  Do I tell him now, or just let it go a while longer?”

 

            “You don’t have a while longer. If Ellison is threatening to seek legal counsel if Johnny isn’t back to work in three weeks, then it’s not fair to Johnny to be left in the dark.  He has to be informed.”

 

            “As much as I don’t look forward to bein’ the one to tell him what’s going on, I can’t disagree with you there.”  Carl glanced at his watch.  “I need to get back to the station.  You guys gonna be around John’s place tomorrow?”

 

            “We should be.  I’ve gotta have Trevor at Gus’s by ten, but other than that we don’t have any plans that go beyond physical therapy exercises and a few hands of cards.”

 

            “What time is Trev done at Gus’s?”

 

            “About five.”

 

            “Good. Then I’ll come over sometime while he’s gone. There’s no use in Trevor overhearing us talk and gettin’ all upset about it.”

 

            “No, there isn’t.  He doesn’t need to know what’s going on until something’s finalized.”

 

            Just by watching the slow way Carl stood from the stool, I could tell how many sleepless nights he’d suffered because of this recent situation.

 

            “Hey, Carl, does this Ellison guy volunteer for the fire department in any capacity?”

 

            “No.  Asshole’s a frickin’ dentist in Juneau.  Wouldn’t know which end of a hose was which if the damn thing clunked him over the top of the head.”

 

            “How’d he end up on the commission then?”

 

            “Seemed like a nice guy with a good head on his shoulders, that’s how.  Just goes to show you nice guys aren’t always what they’re cracked up to be.”

 

            “No. Not always.”

 

            He smacked my shoulder.  “Thanks, Roy.”

 

            “For what?”

 

            “Listening. Giving me your thoughts.  The whole shebang.”

 

            “You want me to be there tomorrow when you talk to Johnny?”

 

            “Do you mind?”

 

            “No, I don’t mind.  But I don’t mind getting lost either if you think what happens from here on out is none of my business.”

 

            “You’re John’s friend.  It’s your business right up until the point he tells you it’s not.”

 

            “All right.”

 

            “Besides, I think he’s gonna need you there after I leave.”

 

            I had a feeling Carl was right about that.  I’d be lying if I said I was looking forward to what was about to unfold.  Johnny didn’t deserve to be hit with any more hard knocks, especially not when he’d made so much progress toward returning to the job he loved.      

 

“I’ll be there,” I promised. “Somehow or the other, he’ll get through this, Carl.  He’s not a quitter.  He’s stubborn, he likes to do things his own way and in his own time, and he lets his pride get in the way of accepting a helping hand now and then, but he’s not a quitter.”

 

“I know he’s not.”

 

“Maybe you could tell Ellison that, huh?”

“Believe me, Roy, I have. About three dozen times in the last two weeks.”

 

Carl threw a wad of bills on the counter. “That’s enough to cover what we ate and a tip. You should be able to get a couple more cups of coffee out of it too.”

 

“Thanks, but that’s not necessary. I can pay for my own.”

 

“I know, but it’s my way of saying thanks.”

 

“For what?”

 

“I can walk outta that house tomorrow after I talk to John.  You’re the guy who has to stay behind and deal with whatever happens after I leave.”  Carl smiled while giving my shoulder another light smack.  “That’s gotta be worth at least a few cups of coffee and a doughnut, don’t ya’ think?”

 

Before I could answer Carl, he was headed for the door.  The old men at the center table called greetings to him that he returned, but he didn’t stop and talk to them.  The Durango’s big engine came to life with a roar. Carl backed the vehicle out of its parking space and drove toward the police and fire station.  The place Johnny was working so hard to return to.  The place that had brought Johnny to Eagle Harbor thirteen years earlier with a moving van full of furniture, and a one-year-old boy in the car seat beside him.  The place Johnny was so proud of, that housed the people he loved working with and the job he loved doing. 

 

The place he might not be able to go back to if a newcomer by the name of Greg Ellison had his way.

 

Chapter 49

 

            Johnny looked to his right. 

 

            “You knee…knew?”

 

            By Roy’s subdued nod, Johnny could tell the man was reluctant to confess he’d been told of the news Carl brought prior to Johnny himself being told of it. 

 

            “Um, yeah.  Yesterday. Carl saw me in the Northern Lights Café and…uh…mentioned what was going on.”

 

            “John, don’t get mad at Roy.  I wasn’t sure how to tell you  – when the best time and place would be.  Or if I should tell you at all right now.  I used Roy as a sounding board, so if you’re pissed about that be pissed at me, not him.”

 

             “Not pissed.”

 

            “You’re not?”

 

            The fire chief shook his head.  A month ago, Johnny would have thrown a fit had he found out Carl sought Roy’s opinion first about something that involved him. But a lot had changed in four weeks, including Johnny’s understanding that his two closest friends weren’t trying to treat him like a child, but instead, were doing all they could to help him through a difficult time in the best way they knew how. He might not always like their methods, but he appreciated their efforts.  Roy had put his life on hold for Johnny and was away from home for longer than he’d probably expected to be.  Johnny reminded himself of that fact whenever Roy pushed him to work just a little harder than he felt he could, or like today, had been consulted about something that concerned Johnny before Johnny was consulted.

 

            The fire chief’s gaze shifted from Roy back to Carl, who was sitting across the table from him.  They were in Johnny’s kitchen; the remnants of the Italian beef sandwiches and French fries Carl brought from Ochlout’s Pizza Parlor were on plates Roy had carried to the counter. The room was laced yet with the tangy smell of spiced beef and hot peppers, and the three men were still sipping sodas as they talked.  Given the discussion, beer would have been preferred, but since Johnny was currently taking medication that prohibited the use of alcohol, Coca-Cola was the strongest drink in the house.

 

            “Wha’…what I…what do I nee-need to do to keep my job?”

 

            Johnny saw that the men were surprised by his matter-of-fact question.  Evidently they were expecting him to pound a fist on the table, yell at the top of his lungs, stomp from the room and refuse to discuss the issue further – all of the things he probably would have done at the beginning of this journey. But he was too far into that journey now to waste time having a temper tantrum that wouldn’t change the situation.

 

            Carl glanced at Roy, then looked at Johnny again. 

 

“Do you really wanna know?”

 

            “Yes.”

 

            “Even if you don’t like what you’re gonna hear?”

 

            “Yes. Tell me.”

 

            “You’ve got three weeks to prove to Ellison that you’re gonna be fit to return to work.”

 

            “Won’…won’t be ready three…in three weeks.”

 

            “I know that.  But, John, you gotta show Ellison that you still care about the job.”

 

            “I do care.”

 

            “Then prove it.”

 

            “How?”

 

            “You haven’t been at the fire station since the day you collapsed.  You haven’t been seen in town since the day you collapsed, other than at the clinic for physical therapy.  You haven’t been seen at any of Trevor’s games or practices since you collapsed.  People are…well they’re…well…”

 

            Johnny demanded that Carl finish his sentence.

 

            “Peel…people are what?”

 

            “They’re saying that maybe your health is so bad that you can’t do all the things you used to. They’re saying that maybe you’re permanently disabled.  They’re saying that maybe this was such a big blow for you that you don’t care about being Eagle Harbor’s Fire Chief any longer.”

 

            “Who saying that?”

 

            “Just people.  You know how gossip flies around this town.”

 

            “Peel…people who wor-work for me?”

 

            Carl was reluctant to answer, but finally confessed, “Some of them, yeah.” The big man leaned forward, resting his weight on his forearms. “John, you gotta let them see you in that station again.  You need to be a presence there again.”

 

            “Docor…my doc-doctor hasn’t re-re-released me for wok…work.”

 

            “Since when has that stopped you?  Besides, I’m not saying you have to be there to work.  You just need to stop in a few times a week, say hi, let Phil catch you up on what’s goin’ on, stuff like that.”

 

            “Not that easy.”

 

            “Why?”

 

            “It’s jus-just not.”

 

            “Look, I know you don’t want people to see you again until you’re exactly like you used to be.  Until you can walk and talk exactly like you used to.  But, buddy, you’re gonna have to check your pride at the door and get back out there and let the people of Eagle Harbor know that her fire chief is bound and determined to return to his job. You need to get your skinny ass to Trevor’s games.  You need to go with Roy when he takes Trev to and from school.  You need to go with Roy when he does the grocery shopping.  You need to be seen in the restaurants, the post office, the bank, the hardware store, at church – all the places people used to see you.  You need to let people see you taking care of your personal business, running your own household, and taking care of your son, instead of letting Roy do all those things for you.”  

 

            “I take care of my son!”

 

            “Then prove it, Gage!  Prove it to Ellison, and above all else, prove to that asshole that you’re still this town’s fire chief.  Prove to him that you still want to be this town’s fire chief.”

 

            “You know do…I do.”

 

            “Doesn’t matter what I know.  Phil and I are doin’ the best we can to convince Ellison to hold off on making any decisions about replacing you for at least another six weeks, but now he’s got some of the other commission members thinking that you’re not capable of recovering enough to do your job.  He’s getting hung up on the fact that this house is part of your salary.  He wants you and Trevor out of here if you’re not earning that salary.  He’s trying to get enough support to call for a vote on that.”

 

            When Johnny didn’t say anything, Carl continued.

 

            “John, I think it’s a bunch of bullshit.  You know I do. You’ve given more to this fire department and town than any fire chief who came before you.  Even the ones born and raised here.  You’ve lived for this fire department.  You breathed new life into her, and made her what she is today – the best damn fire department with the best damn paramedic program in the state of Alaska.  Everyone knows that.  Everyone thinks of John Gage when they hear the words Eagle Harbor Fire Department. I don’t for one minute think Ellison has the right to kick you outta this house just because you can’t return to work on his time schedule. I don’t think anyone has that right.  This town owes you more than you could ever possibly owe it, but right now Ellison is looking at the bottom line. All he cares about is facts and figures.  Not people.”

 

            “I tol…told you so.”

 

            Johnny caught the fleeting look of chagrin on Carl’s face.

 

            “I know you did.  That was your one concern when we made him chairman.  It was a mistake on my part, speaking up for him like I did. I could kick myself for it now, but it’s too late for that.  Until his term is up next year we’re stuck with him.”

 

            Silence fell over the room.  Johnny realized then that Roy hadn’t said anything throughout this conversation.  Maybe he didn’t have anything to contribute.  Or maybe he felt this latest roadblock Johnny faced was none of his business.  Or maybe, as Johnny strongly surmised was the case, Roy was waiting for an invitation from him before offering his opinion.

 

            The fire chief gave his old friend that invitation by looking at him and saying nothing more than, “Roy?”

 

            Roy splayed his hands while giving a small shrug. 

 

“I don’t know what to add, Johnny, aside from what Carl’s already said.  You need to make your presence known.  You need to return to the leadership role you’ve always held in this town, even if currently that role is more in the figurative sense than it is literal. People will understand that right now your health doesn’t allow you to do some of things you used to. But I agree with Carl. You’ve got to be seen in public again.  That’s the best way to stop whatever rumors are going around about your abilities to return to your job.  Nothing’s nearly as bad in the light of day as people can make it out to be when all they have to go on is rumors and assumptions.”

 

Johnny thought a long moment.  He gave a slow nod, then fell into a pensive silence that lasted until Carl left fifteen minutes later.  Johnny didn’t say anything more than,  “Than’--thanks for lunch,” as he walked the police chief to the door. 

 

Carl hesitated before stepping off of the deck.  When Johnny wasn’t forthcoming with all that was on his mind regarding their discussion, Carl finally said, “See ya’ later, John,” then turned and trotted down the steps.

 

   Johnny watched Carl climb in his heavy-duty Ford pickup.  He allowed the damp March air to wash over him until the truck was started and traveling down the driveway.  When Carl was out of sight, Johnny shut the door. He walked back into the kitchen, where he helped Roy clean up the dishes without saying a word.  When the room was in proper order again the fire chief returned to the laundry room, opened the closet, and grabbed his heavy denim coat. He put it on, then sat on the bench and shoved first his left foot into a boot, and then his right foot.  He looked up to see Roy watching him.

 

“Wan--wanna go for hike?”

 

It was easy to read the surprise on Roy’s face. Whatever reaction he’d been expecting from Johnny now that Carl was gone, calm acceptance apparently wasn’t it. 

 

“Uh…sure.  Yeah.  I’d like that.”

 

Johnny waited while Roy got his coat and boots on.  When the man was ready, Johnny led the way out the door.  He whistled for the dogs.  Nicolai and Tasha shot out from under the deck where they’d been napping.  They bounded ahead of Johnny and Roy.  Snow and mud flew from the dogs’ heels as they tore around the barn. Without being told, they knew their master was headed for the National Forest.

 

Chapter 50

 

Wet snow sloshed up from our boots as we walked, splattering the legs of my blue jeans.  It was mid-March and the weather was changing.  The snowstorms of February had given way to rain on many days. Johnny told me this was normal for Eagle Harbor, and would last well into May.  Admittedly, I was beginning to long for sunshine and temperatures no lower than seventy degrees.  Snow, harsh winds, rain, heavy cloud cover, fog, and dreary gray skies were all I’d seen since arriving in Alaska.  At least it was beginning to warm up as the spring thaw set in.  Or what passed for a spring thaw in Eagle Harbor. Most days the temperatures hit forty to forty-five degrees now. The snow wouldn’t be around for long if those temperatures lasted, but it was still present in the form of wet thick slush that Saturday we hiked together into the National Forest.

 

Johnny had gone on several hikes as his left leg strengthened and improved, but he’d never invited me to come with him.  I had reservations about letting him hike alone, and even voiced them a time or two.  He was always stubbornly insistent he’d be fine, and he’d always been proven right when he returned to the house an hour or so after he’d left, none the worse for wear and appearing more content than he’d been when he’d departed.  What answers he found when he traveled alone in those woods I didn’t know, but I’d come to respect that he needed an activity he could still do without someone “babysitting” for him.  Those solitary hikes he enjoyed were why I was surprised he invited me to accompany him after Carl left.  If there was ever a time I would have assumed he wanted to be alone, that was it.

 

I allowed him to set the pace, walking silently beside him.  He hiked in and out of trees on a well-worn path.  As we began to travel upwards, I followed Johnny’s lead by grabbing onto low hanging tree branches to aid in pulling myself up the steeper parts of the path. When the ground leveled again, we returned to walking side by side.  The dogs kept up a steady pace far enough ahead of us that I couldn’t see them, but remained close enough that I could hear them whenever they barked at something that caught their interest.  On occasion they’d run back to Johnny’s side as though checking in with him, then ran off after receiving pats to their heads.  The exertion soon had me removing my hat and unzipping my coat.  Johnny was better prepared for the way the exertion would raise his body temperature.  He hadn’t worn a hat, and hadn’t zipped his coat more than halfway up before leaving the house.

 

For a rare change, it was me who eventually couldn’t stand the silence any longer.  We’d hiked for thirty minutes, neither of us saying anything, when Johnny finally stopped and stood in a clearing that allowed us a spectacular view of Eagle Harbor sprawled below.  It looked like the kind of Norman Rockwell model town you see built around a kid’s train set – the buildings in miniature and everything silent because we were up too high to hear the sounds of passing cars that appeared to be moving in slow motion.

 

I studied Johnny’s profile, wondering what he was thinking as he looked down at the town he loved and called home.  I placed a hand on his right shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.

 

“You okay?”

 

“I’m fine.”

 

“You sure about that?”

“Yeah.”  He turned and looked at me.  “I’m o-okay, Roy.  I am.  I’ll get too-too-through this.”

 

“I know you will.”

 

“Been too-through woose.”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Woo-woo-worse.”

 

“You’ve been through worse?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I’m sure you have been,” I agreed, thinking of all he must have gone through when Kim and Jessie were murdered. 

 

Although that time in Johnny’s life may have been on his mind, it wasn’t the time he told me about when he finally opened up and started to talk.

 

“If I can ‘vince…convince Ashton see…to see things my way, I can ‘vince-convince Ellison too.”

 

I smiled.  “Well, from past experience I know you can be a pretty persuasive guy when you wanna be.”

 

“I can,” he agreed.  “And when came…it came to kee-keeping Ashton from ‘bort--aborting Trevor, I had to be.”

 

He started walking again.  I walking beside him, listening as he told me how hard he fought to prevent Ashton from ending the life of the unborn child she carried. The unborn child who grew to be the baby boy Johnny named Trevor Roy Gage upon his birth. 

 

Chapter 51

 

            The sound of the chains kicking in automatically to lift the garage door brought Johnny from the fitful doze he’d fallen into sometime during the ten o’clock news.   He shot up from the couch, shutting off the T.V. as he passed it.  He hurried through the dining area, glancing at the kitchen clock on his way to the door that led into the condo from the garage. It was five minutes to midnight.   He heard Ashton’s car idling for a moment, then no sounds at all until she finally activated the automatic garage door again so it would close.

 

            As he heard the woman’s shoe heels click across the concrete floor, the paramedic whipped the door open.  Ashton didn’t appear surprised at this action.  She knew Johnny well enough to predict his level of anxiety, and predict exactly how she’d be greeted.  

 

            Ashton looked as drained as Johnny felt.  Pale. Exhausted. Edgy.  And as though this was the last place she wanted to be.

 

            “Ashton--”

 

            “Not now, John.”

 

            “Yes now.”  Johnny slammed the door shut.  “I’ve been waiting here since ten o’clock this morning.”

 

            “I told you I’d see you sometime tonight.  I never said when.”

 

            “Fine. So now you’ve finally managed to fit me into your busy schedule. Considering I’m the father of the baby you’re carrying, that was big of you.”

 

            Ashton flung her brief case on the kitchen counter, slamming her purse beside it. She paid no attention as the purse fell sideways and its contents scattered all over the floor.

 

            “Don’t start with me, John!  It’s been a hell of a long day and I’m tired.”

 

            “It’s been a long day for me too, but it’s not over yet.  For either one of us.”

 

            “I just want to get some sleep.”

 

            “And you can.  As soon as we talk about this.”

 

            “Not tonight.”

 

            “Yes tonight.  You said we’d discuss this when you got home.”

 

            “I didn’t anticipate it being so late.”

 

            “Then maybe you should have put more effort into getting here before midnight.”

 

            “I’m a cardiac surgeon, John, not a counter girl at Burger King for God’s sake!  I don’t work set hours. You know that.”

 

            “Yeah.  Believe me.  I know.”

 

            “Don’t you dare go there.”

 

            “Go where?”

 

            “The whole thing about my long hours. How much I’m away from home. You knew the day you asked me to move in with you that I was a doctor. Given your background, you knew perfectly well what that meant.”

 

            “Yeah, Ashton, I knew what it meant.  I just never knew that you’d eventually use your career as an excuse to spend time away from me.”

 

            “I do not use my career as an excuse to spend time away from you.  My career is just that, my career. No man will take it away from me, or impose restrictions on me because of it.  Not even you, John Gage.”

 

            “Least of all me, I’m sure.”

 

            “What’s that supposed to mean?”

 

            “It means…” Johnny paused, fighting to get his temper under control. He suddenly realized Ashton had drawn him into this argument to avoid talking about the baby.  Or maybe given the stress they were both under, fighting over things that didn’t matter was bound to be the end result if at least one of them didn’t calm down and lead this discussion in the right direction.  Since Ashton’s temper could be even more volatile than his own when she was riled, Johnny knew it was up to him to set the tone for a productive conversation.

 

“Ashton…I’m sorry. I am.  I’m sorry.”

 

“Sorry for what?”

 

“For everything.  For losing my temper. For starting an argument neither of us needs right now.  For--”

 

“Getting me pregnant?”

 

Johnny allowed a long silence to linger before he said, “No.  No, I’m not sorry about that at all.”

 

“Well I am!  Goddammit, John, I am!”  The woman ran her hands through hair with frustration.  “I was on the pill for crying out loud!  The pill!  Do you know there’s only a one percent chance of a woman getting pregnant while she’s on the pill provided she takes it as instructed?  I took the stupid things as instructed, dammit!  I’ve taken them as instructed since I was nineteen years old!  This isn’t supposed to be happening. I’m not supposed to be pregnant.  I was on the pill!  I was on the goddamn pill!  I’m not supposed to be pregnant.”

 

“Is it really that bad?”

“Of course it’s that bad! This isn't what I wanted for my life and you know it! I don't have time for children! My career means I'm gone more than I'm home.”

“But we can make this work. I know we can.” Johnny reached out and grasped her hands.  “Please, Ashton. Let's give it a try. Please say you’ll marry me. Once we're married you'll feel differently. I know you will. Once we're married--”

 

Ashton wriggled her hands from Johnny’s grasp.

 

“No I won't feel differently, because once we're married you still won't want to live in New York, and I still won't want to live on a ranch in Podunk, Colorado, or wherever the hell you want to drag me to that probably won't even have a telephone! Let's face it, John. This isn't going to work. You'll never be happy being married to a woman who's gone more than she's home and the main breadwinner in the family. It already ticks you off that I spend so many hours at the hospital and make more money than you do.”

“It does not!” Johnny denied, though deep down he knew Ashton was right. His male ego might eventually be able to resolve itself to the fact that his wife earned a higher income than he did, but the hours she put in on her job would always be a source of conflict between the two of them.

 

On this night, however, it was easy for Johnny to ignore the trouble he knew would lie ahead if he and Ashton married. On this night, all he cared about was convincing her not to abort the baby. 

 

“I’ve been giving it a lot of thought.  We can work it out.  You can have your career.  I’m off at least three days a week, sometimes four depending on how the schedule falls.  I’ll be with the baby on those days.”

 

“And what about the other days?  What about when you’re at work?”

 

“I thought…well I thought…”

 

The woman’s eyes narrowed, as though she knew what was to come. “You thought what?” 

 

“I thought maybe…well maybe that you could work your schedule around mine.  That you could be home when I’m at work.  That way--”

 

“No.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because my career will suffer, that’s why not.”

 

“Well maybe for the sake of our child your precious career will have to suffer for a few years!”

 

“Which is exactly why I want an abortion!”

 

“Okay, okay. Forget.  I’ll get something else worked out, I promise.  Something that doesn’t involve you having to be home with the baby on any set schedule.”

 

“Like what?”

 

“A babysitter.  Or a daycare center.  Or a nanny.”

 

“A nanny?”

 

“You keep reminding me that you make more money than I do. Two years ago you said you’d be making so much when your fellowship is over that I wouldn’t have to work if I didn’t want to.  So I guess we could afford a nanny if that’s the case.”

 

“I…well…yes, I imagine we could.”

 

“Then that’s what we’ll do.  I’ll find someone.  I’ll do all the research, the interviews, whatever it involves. I’ll find the right person to take care of the baby while I’m at work.”

 

Ashton sighed heavily while turning away from Johnny.  “That doesn’t even begin to solve our problems.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because you don’t want to move to New York.”

 

“I will.  If that’s what you want, then I will.  I’ll move to New York.”

 

She turned around, arching an eyebrow. “And be Mr. Mom while I work ninety hours a week?”

 

“If I have to be, yes.”

 

“And just how long will that last before you’ll want me home more?  Before you’ll be complaining that I’m gone too much?”

 

“I won’t complain.  I promise.”

 

For the first time that evening, Ashton’s tone softened.  Johnny actually heard affection in her voice. Something he hadn’t heard in a year now.

 

“John…John, please.  Please don’t be so desperate for this baby that you make promises we both know you won’t be able to keep.”

 

“I’ll keep them, Ashton.  I will.  Please, let’s get married. Everything will fall into place after we get married.”

 

“You and I are both old enough and smart enough to know that’s not true.”

 

“It is true. We can make it work. We can be like we used to be.”

 

There was sadness in the woman’s voice when she questioned, “How did we used to be?”

 

“We…we loved each other.  A lot.  We lived to be together.  We made each other happy.”

 

“And we helped one another heal,” Ashton added softly.

 

“What?”

 

“We helped one another heal.  We met at a time when we were both in a lot of pain.  Me as a result of what Andrew Bishop had done, and you…well, you for reasons I still don’t know.  All I do know is that something brought you here from L.A. beyond what you’ve always told me regarding a better job opportunity.  But, John, this relationship has outlasted the reasons we were drawn to one another back then.  It’s outlasted what we’re capable of putting into it.  I think we both know that.  I think we’ve both faced that fact during this past year.”

 

“If we work at it we can recapture what we had.  I know we can.”

 

“No we can’t.  That’s the sad thing about the death of a relationship as strong as the one we had.  You can’t go back and recreate what’s not there any longer, no matter how much you want to.”

 

“So this means you won’t marry me?”

 

She gave a slow shake of her head. “No.  I’m sorry.  I can’t.  It…it won’t be the right thing for either one of us.”

 

“What about the baby?”

 

“What about it?”

 

“Don’t you think it deserves two parents?  To be raised in a home with both a mother and a father?”

 

“Yes, I do think it deserves that. Which is why I’ve already scheduled the abortion.”

 

Johnny didn’t care that he begged.  He didn’t care that there were tears in his eyes.  He had to keep her from terminating the pregnancy.

 

“Please don’t do that, Ashton. Please cancel it. I want that child.  I want him or her more than you can imagine.  If I have to raise the baby by myself, then I will.  If you don’t want to be a part of our son or daughter’s life, then fine. I’ll never ask you to be. But please, don’t go through with the abortion.  Please.  I know I’m asking a lot of you, but please reconsider this.  Please reconsider.”

 

Johnny didn’t think he took a breath the entire time Ashton stood there with tears in her own eyes.  Five minutes might have passed, or five hours. Either way, it seemed like an eternity before she finally agreed, “All right.  I’ll…I’ll reconsider.”

 

Like he’d done that morning at the hospital, Johnny took the woman into his arms, breathed a heartfelt, “Thank you,” and kissed the top of her head.

 

“But I’m not making promises about anything else. Marriage.  Motherhood. Staying here in Colorado. Any of those things.”

 

“I realize that.  We’ll…we’ll just take it one day at a time. Get through the decisions as they need to be made.”

 

From within his arms, Ashton looked up at Johnny.  “No pressure?”

 

“No pressure.”

 

Being this close to her, smelling the heady scent of her perfume, sharing a moment this profound with her concerning their child, made Johnny want to scoop the woman up, take her to their room, and make love to her.  But Ashton had other ideas.  She disentangled herself from Johnny’s arms, gathered up the items from the floor and shoved them back into her purse, then told him goodnight.  He followed her through the dining room and down the hall, watching as she gathered a few things from the master bedroom and bathroom. She carried everything to the guestroom and quietly shut the door, effectively shutting Johnny out of her life, and out of the decision about the abortion.

 

Johnny massaged his temples, trying to alleviate the whopping headache that spoke of both tension and exhaustion.  He went to the kitchen cabinet where the aspirin were kept.  He uncapped the bottle, shook two pills into his hand, and downed them with a glass of water.  He shut off lights as he passed their switches on his way to the bedroom.  He paused in front of the guestroom door.  He contemplated knocking, but when he realized Ashton already had the lights off he moved on.  

 

The paramedic went to bed but he never fell asleep.  When he heard Ashton showering in the hallway bathroom at six a.m., he got up and showered in the master bath.  Before the woman emerged, Johnny had a simple breakfast on the table of sliced bananas, sliced strawberries, toast, a container of yogurt for Ashton, and glasses of milk for both of them. 

 

Ashton looked as tired as Johnny felt when she finally appeared dressed for work.  She smiled slightly when she saw the yogurt and milk.  Evidently she’d figured out that Johnny was already intent on taking care of the baby she didn’t want.

 

It was all the paramedic could do to keep from demanding the woman tell him if she’d made a decision yet.  Breakfast was subdued and awkward, a far cry from the times when, early in their relationship, Ashton would tell Johnny she couldn’t stand sitting across from such a handsome man, and then would climb on his lap and make love to him as he sat in his chair. 

 

The woman finally focused her attention on Johnny as she pushed her empty plate aside. 

 

“I’ve made my decision.”

 

Johnny’s mouth went dry as his heart hammered in his chest.  He knew whatever he said at this point could be the wrong thing, so he settled for nodding his head.

 

“I…I’ll cancel the appointment. I’ll…I’ll keep the baby.”

 

Relief overwhelmed him. He reached for her hand, giving it a gentle squeeze. “Thank you.”

 

“But don’t tell anyone.  Not yet.  I’m not ready for anyone to know.  Not even my parents.”

 

“All right. But promise me just one thing.”

 

            Ashton gave him a wary look. “What?”

 

            “That you’ll make an appointment with your doctor. That you’ll take care of yourself and the baby. That you’ll take whatever vitamins she prescribes for you, and that you’ll eat right and get plenty of rest.”

 

            Ashton bristled.  “You know I can’t make you any promises about my sleep schedule.  I work long hours.”

 

            “All I’m asking is that you try.  Please.”

 

            There was a pause, then, “Okay.”

 

            “Okay to what?”

 

            “Everything. I’ll make an appointment with my doctor as soon as I can.”

 

            “Today.”

 

            “John…”

 

            “Ashton, today. Please. It’s important that you take care of yourself and the baby between now and when it’s born.”

 

            “All right,” she sighed.  “I’ll do the best I can to get that accomplished.”

 

            “Thank you.”

 

            “Quit thanking me.”

 

            Johnny didn’t say what he was thinking.  That he had to thank her for every bit of headway made toward a healthy baby being born, because for a period of time to come yet she could hold the threat of an abortion over his head.  In essence, she was using the baby to hold Johnny hostage. To force him to be on his best behavior.  She might not see it that way, and it likely wasn’t her intention, but that’s how Johnny felt.  Like she’d finally figured out how to wield power over him, and that she was going to use that power until the bitter end.

 

            Johnny merely nodded at her command of, “Quit thanking me,” knowing once again that opening his mouth and saying the wrong thing could be detrimental to the baby.  He did ask one final question that he was fairly certain he knew the answer to considering the infrequency of their lovemaking throughout that year.

 

            “When’s it due?”

 

            “I’m estimating in mid-May.”

 

            Johnny nodded again. That’s what he’d estimated as well.  Almost six and a half months away.  Long enough for Ashton to change her mind about a lot of things, including getting an abortion. 

 

            The paramedic treaded lightly when he asked, “So considering your decision, have you thought any more about my proposal?  I still have the ring.”

 

            Ashton smiled a bit at the light note of humor in Johnny’s last sentence.

 

            “I…no, to be honest, I haven’t thought any more about it.  You said we’d take it one day at a time.”

 

            “And we will. I just thought I’d ask so I know if we need to plan a wedding in the near future.”

 

            “We don’t.  At least not right now.”

 

            Her “at least not right now” gave Johnny a small degree of hope that she might change her mind where marriage was concerned if he backed off and let her have time to think further about their baby being born to parents who weren’t married. Not that Johnny was overly hung up about that.  Yes, he’d like to give his child what he considered to be the ideal situation right from the start, meaning he and Ashton would be married by the time the baby was born.  But life wasn’t always ideal, and as long as the baby had two parents who loved it, then Johnny was willing to go along with Ashton for right now.

 

            He kissed Ashton goodbye that day.  The first time he’d kissed her goodbye in months. She turned so his lips only brushed her cheek, but he figured it was a start in the right direction toward rebuilding their relationship.  Unfortunately, as Johnny insisted on carrying Ashton’s briefcase to the car, and insisted she take the lunch bag he’d packed for her with a snack of yogurt, sliced cheese, and a banana, he didn’t realize that Ashton had no desire to rebuild their relationship.  That she was already regretting her promise not to abort the baby, and wondering how the hell she was going to tell Johnny that she had no desire to be anyone’s wife or mother.

 

 

Chapter 52

 

Johnny tossed and turned in bed like he’d done many nights since discovering Ashton was pregnant.  At a time when he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around her and feel the strong kick of the child growing inside her, she was sleeping in the guestroom down the hall.  She’d taken up permanent residence there ever since the day she’d agreed not to abort the baby.  She’d even moved her clothes to the guestroom, and transferred her toiletries and other personal items to the bathroom in the hall.  While Johnny had thought of little else but marrying Ashton during the past five months, she seemed barely able to tolerate the thought of being his roommate, let alone the thought of being his wife.

 

Johnny stared up at the dark ceiling.  The first few months of the pregnancy had been hell on earth for him.  Despite Ashton’s promise that she wouldn’t terminate the pregnancy, he worried every day that she would.  The stress had taken its toll on the paramedic.  He barely ate.  He barely slept.  He lost weight, and began to take on a haggard sickly look that the guys he worked with noticed.

 

He’d kept the promise he made to Ashton and hadn’t told any of them she was expecting, not even Greg.  It was the kind of news that, under different circumstances, Johnny would have been bursting to tell.  Hell, he’d have shouted it from the station’s rooftop, and probably would have done a few cartwheels too.  But as time went on it became more and more apparent Ashton had no desire to be carrying his child, and considering she wouldn’t agree to marry him, Johnny decided it was best not to tell anyone about the baby until Ashton’s condition was so apparent that he had no choice. 

 

However, not saying anything about the baby didn’t mean it wasn’t the utmost concern on Johnny’s mind.  Aside from having lost weight, he was preoccupied and unusually quiet on most days.  Captain Marshall finally called Johnny into his office in early December to ask if he was okay.  Johnny’s initial reply of, “Yeah, Cap. I’m fine,” didn’t pass muster.

 

“You don’t look fine, John.  You look like death warmed over on most days lately.”

 

Because of the man’s response, Johnny was forced to be a bit more forthcoming.  Even at that, he said only enough to get Lee Marshall to stop questioning him.

 

“Just goin’ through a…a rough time right now, Cap. I’ll get things worked out.”

 

“Anything I can do to help?”

 

Not unless you can promise me Ashton won’t abort our baby, and then’ll agree to marry me.

 

“No, sir.”

 

Lee seemed reluctant to dismiss Johnny that day, but when the man realized Johnny wasn’t going to say anything else, he finally told Johnny he could leave.

 

“If you need to bend my ear at any time, you know where to find me. Otherwise, unless there’s something more you’d like to discuss, you can go.”

 

             “No, Cap, nothing more. Thanks.”

 

            It wasn’t until right after the New Year of 1992 that Johnny finally relaxed a little where the pregnancy was concerned.  Ashton was almost five months pregnant then.  Past the point were she was likely to miscarry, and more important, past the point where most doctors would be willing to perform an abortion.  As well, the baby’s presence was now impossible for her to conceal. Her slim figure meant the rounded bulge of her abdomen caused people to immediately conclude she was expecting.  She was finally forced to acknowledge this numerous times; whenever hospital colleagues questioned her about the pregnancy she’d kept a well-guarded secret.  It was only then that Johnny told the men he worked with Ashton was expecting.  Greg knew there’d been some problems between Johnny and Ashton in recent years, but none of the other men did.  And even Greg didn’t know any details beyond Johnny telling him that Ashton’s long hours at the hospital were interfering with their relationship.  Therefore, Greg congratulated him just as wholeheartedly as the rest of the crew did, and then asked, “Are you two planning to get married before the baby comes?”

 

            “Uh…we’ve talked about it.”

 

            “Better talk about it with a little more urgency, partner, if that baby’s due in May. That’s what?  Only four months away?”

 

            “Yeah. Something like that,” was all Johnny said. He hadn’t stopping asking Ashton to marry him in the months since he’d found out she was pregnant. The trouble was, she hadn’t stopped saying no. 

 

            The paramedic found himself thinking of Roy and Joanne a lot during Ashton’s pregnancy.  He knew, regardless of the circumstances between himself and Ashton, he’d have unwavering support from the DeSotos.  Or at least he would have if this had been a different time in his life.  A time prior to Chris being shot.

 

Whenever Johnny’s thoughts dwelled on the DeSotos during that winter and spring of 1992, he wondered if Roy was still a station captain, or if he’d advanced to battalion chief by now.  He wondered how Chris was doing, and if he was able to live on his own and hold down a job.  He wondered if Jennifer was in college studying to be a doctor like she’d planned to do ever since she was fourteen years old.  He tried to imagine how tall John had gotten, and how he’d look now at thirteen.  Was he still a cross between Roy and Joanne, or had he taken on the features of one parent more so than the other? Was he still a livewire who never stopped moving, or had he calmed down as he’d gotten older?  Was he quiet like Chris, or talkative like Jen, or somewhere in-between?   Did he still like knock-knock jokes and Saturday morning cartoons, or had he outgrown those things years ago? 

 

            Sometimes the urge to pick up the phone and call Roy was so strong it was all Johnny could do to resist it. Greg was a good buddy, but even after six and half years of being partners their friendship didn’t possess the depth that Johnny’s friendship with Roy had possessed.  Johnny supposed that’s why he’d never confided in Greg the extent of his problems with Ashton.  He wouldn’t have thought twice about confiding in Roy, and no doubt would have sought the man out for his advice when things were at their worst.  With Greg…well it was just a different kind of friendship with Greg. A good friendship. A friendship Johnny valued.  But still, lacking many of the elements that had made up his friendship with Roy.

 

            Because he couldn’t talk to Roy, the only person Johnny fully confided in during the pregnancy was his sister.  He didn’t want to upset his father at a time when Chad was on cloud nine over the impending birth of his grandchild, so Reah became the person Johnny poured his heart out to during numerous phone calls between Colorado and Montana.  He was careful not to speak too negatively about Ashton. In the event they did get married, he didn’t want Reah to harbor ill feelings toward her. But Reah seemed to know a lot more about the relationship than Johnny came right out and told her, and what she didn’t know her woman’s intuition evidently allowed her the insight to put two and two together and come up with four.  She offered her little brother nothing but support, assuring Johnny that it was okay for him to be excited about the baby even if Ashton wasn’t, as well as assuring him that she was happy he was going be a father again.

 

            “You’ve waited a long time for this, John. I wish Ashton felt differently about this situation…about marriage and the pregnancy, but don’t let her feelings alter yours.  You have every right to enjoy this time in your life, and to love this baby just as much as you loved Jessie.”

 

            Johnny was never certain what transpired between Ashton and her parents when she told them about the baby during the holidays. She flew to New York without Johnny on Christmas Eve.  All she said when Johnny picked her up at the airport on New Year’s Day was, “I told Mother and Dad I’m expecting.”

 

            “And?”

 

            She shrugged. “They’re…they’re excited.  They wanted to know when we’re getting married.”

 

            Johnny doubted Margaret was “excited” but he didn’t comment on that.  Instead, he asked, “What’d you tell ’em?”

 

            “That I’m not ready to get married.”

 

            “What’d they say to that?”

 

            “Mother’s not too happy.” Ashton gave a mirthless laugh. “Whatever will her friends think?  But I reminded her that I’m thirty-six.  A little too old to worry about any stigma that might be attached to an unmarried pregnant woman.”

 

            “And they really want us to get married?”

 

            Ashton nodded as Johnny carried her bags toward the exit.

 

“Mother’s certain she can throw together a “small, yet elegant ceremony” as she put it, within the next month if only I’d agree to it. Which I didn’t, by the way, so don’t worry.  You’re not getting stuck with my mother as your mother-in-law.”

 

            “I never said that would be a bad thing.”

 

            “You didn’t have to.  You’re an open book where your feelings about Mother are concerned, just like Grandma Kate was.”

 

            “Ashton, come on.  I know our backgrounds are as different as night and day, but let’s do what your mother wants for a change and get married.”

 

            Not even making it sound like he wanted nothing more than to be Margaret Riley’s son-in-law could get Ashton to agree to marry him. 

 

            “No, John.  The answer is still no.  It just…it’s just not the right time.”

 

            “When will the right time be?”

 

            “I…I’m still not sure.”  She’d managed to give him a little smile then. “But believe me, if the right time comes, you and my mother will be the first to know.”

 

            As winter turned to spring that year, Ashton’s belly grew.  A depression seemed to settle over her that made her short tempered and hard to live with. Johnny attributed some of that to fluctuating hormones, and some of it to exhaustion brought on by her long hours at work. The remainder of the reason behind her depression he didn’t want to dwell on – her enormous unhappiness over being pregnant.  He sensed a restlessness about her too. As though she wanted nothing more than to give birth to the baby and move on.  Johnny was far from certain exactly how she planned to “move on,” and often wondered just where he and the baby would fit into her life.  She obviously had no intention of marrying him any time soon, and whenever Johnny tried to get her to discuss how they’d go forward after the baby came, she refused to say anything other than, “I don’t know.  I haven’t thought about it.”  Johnny knew better.  Ashton was a planner by nature. She’d thought about it all right and she had something in mind, but whatever it was she wasn’t revealing it.

 

            Johnny did his best to take things in stride and be thankful that, despite her long hours, Ashton was taking care of herself at his urging. Eating right.  Taking her vitamins. Seeing her doctor for scheduled visits, and exercising when she had time.  Johnny was forced to admit he admired the workload she managed to keep, even as the pregnancy moved into the last trimester. A lesser woman would have collapsed, but Ashton just kept going.  Seeing patients, teaching, writing papers, performing surgery; doing all the things her fellowship required.  He did notice that she emotionally detached herself from the baby whenever possible, which might have been how she held up under her demanding schedule.  Maybe there really was some truth to mind over body if a person’s determination was strong enough.

 

            The woman had no interest in picking out a name for the baby; leaving Johnny to look through a book he’d purchased entitled Names for Baby by himself.  A joy they should have partaken in together was something Johnny pursued alone.  He had a list of girls’ names and boys’ names he was considering, but without Ashton’s input making a final decision was disheartening.  He remembered how excited he and Kim had been when they’d picked out names. He wanted to share that same excitement with Ashton. Share the fun of picking something totally awful, and then convincing Ashton that he really was serious when he said he wanted to name their son Osgood, or their daughter Hortense.

 

            The baby shower the hospital staff threw for Ashton was another event that should have been joyful, but instead was tense and awkward for both Johnny and Ashton.  The shower was a surprise. One that Ashton didn’t welcome, though she did her best to act grateful and pleased despite the mumbled, “Oh no,” that only Johnny could hear as he and Ashton entered the dark room to a loud chorus of “Surprise!” Johnny thought they did an excellent job of feigning happiness that afternoon while playing the part a loving, expectant couple.

 

Just like the guys at the station didn’t know of the problems in Johnny and Ashton’s relationship, Ashton’s colleagues evidently didn’t know of the problems either.  If they had, or at the very least knew how Ashton really felt about the pregnancy, Johnny was certain they’d have bypassed a shower altogether.  But because they all seemed to assume that Ashton and Johnny would eventually marry, the nurses who hosted the shower enlisted Greg’s help in getting Johnny there under the ruse that they had to attend a paramedic meeting.  Ashton was told there was staff meeting she had to attend, which was how they found themselves in a huge conference room together on that Friday afternoon six weeks before the baby was due, surrounded by presents wrapped in pastel colors and topped off with pink and blue bows.

 

If there was anything the baby needed after that shower, Johnny couldn’t imagine what it was. Two car seats, a playpen, a walker, a swing, a jump seat, a rocking infant carrier, a booster safety seat for when the baby was too big for a car seat, clothes that ranged in size from newborn to toddler, bottles, baby dishes and tiny utensils, a diaper bag, a portable crib for traveling, blankets, towels and washcloths, three dozen boxes of disposable diapers, lotions, shampoos, baby wipes, diaper rash cream, toys – Johnny couldn’t remember Jessie having so much stuff, and he was certain she hadn’t. A lot had changed in the twenty-six years since she’d been born. The laws in place demanding the use of a car seat for one, and the widespread use of disposable diapers, as opposed to the bulky cloth ones Jessie had worn that needed to washed out in the toilet then soaked in bleach in a diaper pail for another.

 

Greg helped Johnny haul everything home that day, while Ashton returned to work. The final surprise came the following Monday, when Ashton’s parents had what Margaret referred to as a “layette” delivered from Saks Fifth Avenue in New York.  A crib, mobile, changing table, dresser, lamp, rocking chair, high chair, and all the accessories needed from mattress, to crib sheets, to blankets, to bumper pad.  All these were items Johnny had wanted Ashton to go with him to shop for, but she’d kept refusing, claiming she didn’t have time.

 

Ashton did all the right things concerning the many gifts they received, from thanking her colleagues for the shower verbally, to writing thank you notes to each of them over the next week, to calling her mother and father and thanking them for the furniture.  But unbeknownst to anyone other than Johnny, she took no interest in the items he put in the guestroom, not even when she had to maneuver around them to reach the closet. She didn’t take an interest when he redecorated the room either. He painted the lower half of the walls a pale sage green, and put new wallpaper on the upper half that depicted teddy bears dressed in everything from firefighter’s uniforms, to policeman’s uniforms, to medical scrubs complete with stethoscopes around their necks, to bears wearing lab coats and sporting owlish glasses.  An ultrasound early in the pregnancy hadn’t revealed the baby’s sex.  Nonetheless, Johnny had a strong suspicion as to what it was, but even given his sixth sense in that regard he’d carefully chosen the paint color and wallpaper pattern so neither broadcasted “baby boy’s room” or “baby girl’s room” but rather just, “baby’s room.”  Picking out the décor should have been another joy Ashton and Johnny shared together, but as had become the norm throughout this pregnancy, Johnny was forced to do it alone if he wanted it done at all.

 

The only items Johnny didn’t set up in the guestroom after he finished transforming it into a nursery were the baby’s dresser, changing table, and crib. He left those things in their boxes in the garage. He knew he could get Greg’s help with putting the crib and changing table together while Ashton was in the hospital with the baby. Where she’d sleep once the full sized bed was taken down, he didn’t know and he didn’t care.  Johnny hoped she’d rejoin him in the master bedroom, but if she chose not to, then she could sleep on a cot in the nursery for all he cared, or out on the couch.

 

Sometimes the paramedic looked back and wondered how he’d withstood the stress of that pregnancy. It seemed like he was doing everything for Ashton but carrying their child. Worrying about whether or not she was taking care of herself. Watching to make certain she took her vitamins. Getting the prescription for the vitamins refilled when she ran out.  Reminding Ashton of her appointments with her obstetrician. Making sure she ate right and got as much rest as he possibly had control over. Decorating and organizing the baby’s room by himself. Not to mention the cleaning, the grocery shopping, the laundry, paying the bills, and all the other household chores and errands he took care of. In essence, she really had become his roommate.  A roommate he was tired of picking up after, and running errands for, and asking, “Did you take your vitamins this morning?” and whom he’d have kicked out had the circumstances been different.

 

Another disappointment for Johnny was when Ashton refused to attend Lamaze classes.  If she’d have gotten her way, she’d have scheduled a C-section so she could better fit the baby into her busy agenda. Her obstetrician, Nina Covelli, wouldn’t consider it, however, unless problems arose.  Ashton had too much respect for the woman to find another doctor who would give into her demands, for which Johnny was grateful.  He thought Ashton was foolish to want a surgical procedure that in all likelihood wouldn’t be needed, and carried a degree of risk as all surgeries did.  Women had been giving birth the “natural way” for centuries, and recovering quickly and without long-term problems. The odds were high that Ashton would experience that same type of birth.  Besides, as her doctor reminded her, the recovery period after a C-section was considerably longer than the recovery period for a vaginal birth.  Ashton’s desire to return to work as soon as possible so she didn’t risk losing her position in the fellowship program probably had more to do with her agreement to plan for a natural birth, as opposed to anything her doctor or Johnny had to say on the subject.  She drew the line at attending Lamaze classes though.

 

“I don’t have the time, John. Besides, what am I going to learn from a childbirth class that I didn’t learn my first year in medical school?”

 

“Nothing, I guess. I just thought it would be a good idea for both of us so we can be better prepared.”

 

Ashton put her hands on her hips.  “How many babies have you delivered since becoming a paramedic?”

 

“I don’t know.  Five or six.”

 

“And I delivered three times that many when I did a rotation on the obstetrical floor during my first year of residency.”

 

“So?”

 

“So it seems kind of silly for you and me to waste time in a class with a bunch of young doe-eyed girls and their equally young husbands, who haven’t a clue about what’s going to happen after labor starts.”

 

“Ashton, we won’t be going there to make friends.  Who cares how old they are, or whether this is their first baby or their fifth?  I just thought it was something we could do together.”

 

“Well it’s not. I’m too busy.”

 

Johnny sighed and walked out of the room then.  He had a lot more to say, but what was the point?  He knew Ashton would stand her ground.  He might as well let her have her way while being thankful she was carrying the baby to full term in the first place.  Had he not found the pregnancy test in the garbage, she probably would have aborted it and never told him.

 

Unbeknownst to Ashton, the paramedic did check with her doctor later that week to make sure he was welcome in the delivery room without going through the Lamaze classes.

 

“Certainly, Mr. Gage. Given your background, I see no reason at all why you can’t be in attendance.”

 

“Thanks,” Johnny had said as he stood at the phone in the station’s day room.  “I appreciate it.”

 

And he did, more than Doctor Covelli would ever know.  He hadn’t been in the delivery room when Jessie was born.  It was unheard of in 1966 for a father to be present during the birth of his child. Or at least in small hospitals in Montana it was. 

 

So now, with just three weeks to go until the baby was due, Johnny slept alone in a room down the hall from the woman he still loved despite all she’d put him through, and whom he’d marry in a heartbeat if only she’d say yes.

 

Part 9