101 Ways To Relieve Stress
By: Kenda
“Rick, did I
just see you driving the Power Wagon backwards down the street?”
“In
reverse.”
“Pardon me?”
“Not
backwards, A.J. In reverse.”
“Regardless of
the semantics, I did indeed see you driving your truck backwar...in reverse,
down one of the busiest streets in San Diego, didn't I?”
“Yep.”
“Rick, you can't
go around driving like that! If there's
a problem with the truck's transmission and you can't afford to get it fixed
I'll loan you the money. How much do
you need?”
“I
don't need any money, A.J. I'm
relieving my stress.”
“You're what?”
“Relieving
my stress.”
“Where in the
world did you get the idea that driving your truck in reverse in rush hour
traffic relieves stress?”
“From
Gwendolyn.”
“Who's
Gwendolyn?”
“My
bio-feedback therapist.”
“Your who?”
“My
bio-feedback therapist. She's helpin'
me get to know my body.”
“I'll just bet
she is.”
“What
was that, A.J.?”
“I said...that's
interesting. And just what types of
things is this Gwendolyn person teaching you?”
“Oh,
we talk about everything from the importance of a well-balanced diet to
exercise.”
“Since when have
you been concerned about the merits of good nutrition and exercise?”
“Since
I met Gwendolyn. And right now we're
concentrating on how the stress in our everyday lives effects not only our
mental and emotional health, but also our physical health.”
“That's...reasonable. So it was Gwendolyn's idea that you drive
your truck around the streets of San Diego in reverse?”
“Well...not
really. She only told me to write down
and put into practice a list of things that I would consider stress
relievers. I came up with driving my
truck in reverse on my own.”
“And you're
quite proud of that fact, too, I see.”
“Yep.”
“Rick...it might
be a good idea for you to go over the...stress relievers on your list with
Gwendolyn before you begin...what the hell are you doing now?”
“Jamming
miniature marshmallows up my nose.”
“I see
that. It looks disgusting! What the hell are you doing that for?”
“I'm
gonna see if I can sneeze 'em back out.”
“Whatever for?”
“It's
another idea on my list of stress relievers.
I think it will be pretty funny if I can get 'em out. And you know what they say, A.J.”
“No. What do they say?”
“Laughter
is the best medicine. Okay, ready. Here it goes. One! Two! Three! Achoo! Achoo!
Achoo!”
“Richard
Simon! That's the most revolting thing
I've ever seen!”
“What? You don't think it's funny?”
“No! I just think it's gross.”
“Geez,
and I thought it was pretty cool. Just
leave the marshmallows where they landed, A.J.
I'll pick 'em up later.”
“You're damn
right you will!”
“You
know, A.J., I think you'd benefit from a few sessions with Gwendolyn.”
“No thank you.”
“Well
then, how about if I let you take a look at my list? You could use some stress relief in your life. You're way too uptight, little brother. Take now for instance. You're standin' over there like a percolator
that's about ready to pop. I've got the
perfect idea for you.”
“I know I'm
going to regret asking this question, but I will anyway. And just what is this perfect idea you have
for me?”
“Come
over to my place and dance naked in front of Marlowe.”
“What?”
“It's
one of the things I wrote down on my list to relieve stress. Dance naked in front of your pets. Only you don't have any pets so I'll be more
than happy to let you borrow Marlowe.”
“Rick...that's
so weird it borders being kinky.”
“Why? I mean it's not like Marlowe's gonna really
understand what you're doing. And even
if he does, who's he gonna tell?”
“No one, because
I'm not doing it.”
“Okay. If that's the way you wanna be about
it. But don't say I didn't offer. I've got another idea though. You'll appreciate this one.”
“Don't bet on
it.”
“What
was that?”
“Nothing. I didn't say anything. What's your bright idea?”
“Make
a list of things you've already done.”
“Why would I
want to do that?”
“
'Cause is relieves stress, dummy. See,
you're always goin' around makin' lists of things you need to do both here at
the office and at home. Then you get
yourself all worked up over what you haven't accomplished. So, rather than be a slave to the list, let
the list be a slave to you. Only write
down the things you've finished.”
“How is that
going to help me remember the things I have yet to do?”
“Boy,
A.J., you just don't get it do you?”
“Don't get
what?”
“How
this works. It's easy, but somehow
you've managed to complicate it. But I
understand you're new at this, so maybe we should do one together.”
“Do
what together?”
“A
Rick Simon Stress Reliever. This is one
of my favorites, though I haven't tried it yet. We'll start a nasty rumor about someone and see if we recognize
it when it gets back to us.”
“Why would we
want to do that?”
“Because
it would relieve stress, that's why. I
was thinking we could tell one of the rookie cops at the station that Abby
moonlights as a topless dancer down at the Girls Will Be Girls Nightclub.”
“Are you nuts? Abby would hang us out to dry if she ever
found out where that rumor came from.”
“But
that's the whole point. It might not
come back to us anywhere near the way we started it. It's kinda like playin' telephone.”
“Or it might
come back to us exactly like we started it.
In which case your stress reliever would be a bust, because if Abby ever
gets wind of the fact that we started such a rumor I have a feeling we'd be
under a hell of a lot more stress than we were to begin with.”
“Think
so, huh? Yeah, I suppose that could
happen. Okay, I'll scratch that one
from my list. I've got one that might
suit you better, especially since you like fancy clothes and all.”
“What does
dressing professionally have to do with relieving stress?”
“It's
like this, A.J. You go shopping, buy
all the clothes you like regardless of the price, sweat in them, then return
them the next day.”
“That's not even
worthy of a response.”
“I
think it is. But fine, have it your
way. And don't stand there and look
down your nose at me. Mark my words,
someday when my list of stress relievers are published in the book Gwendolyn's
working on, you'll be sorry that I won't be able to give you credit for personally
trying this one out. I was gonna use
your name and everything. Maybe even
write you a nice sentimental dedication in the front.”
“Don't do me any
favors.”
“I
won't. And speaking of favors, here's
another stress relieving tip I'm gonna pass on to you, and only you, being as
how you're my baby brother and all.”
“I don't know
how to thank you enough.”
“I
know you don't. But that's okay. Now, try this one on for size. Thumb through National Geographic and
draw underwear on all the natives.”
“That's supposed
to relieve stress?”
“Sure. I think it will work. Don't you?”
“Maybe if you're
Calvin Klein. Otherwise I have my
doubts.”
“Well
then here's another one for you. Use
your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill.”
“That sounds
like something only you would do, Rick.”
“Naw. I bet a lot of people out there would do it
if they'd only thought of it first. And
it's not such a bad idea. It will sure
eliminate the ton of stress everyone finds themselves under whenever the end of
the month rolls around. And
uh...speaking of that.”
“Speaking of
what?”
“Speaking
of Mastercards, and Visas, and the end of the month rollin' around, I guess I'd
uh...better tell you.
“Better tell me
what?”
“That
I uh...borrowed your Visa a few times this month.”
“You did what?”
“Borrowed
your Visa a few—“
“I heard you the
first time. Rick, I thought we had both
agreed quite some time ago that you were never going to borrow, as you
put it, my credit cards again!”
“Well...yeah,
A.J.,...I guess we did, but see I've kinda maxed my cards out and Carlos and I
wanted...A.J.,...A.J.,...A.J., I don't like it when you get that look in your
eyes. A.J.,...you're gettin' awful red
in the face there, I really think you should calm down. Maybe try a few of my stress relievers. Uh...listen, A.J., I really should get
goin'. Me and Gwendolyn are supposed to
meet tonight to go over my ideas for the book.”
“Your ideas for
the book, huh?”
“Uh...yeah. That's right.”
“Then would you
mind giving Gwendolyn a few of my ideas?”
“No...no
of course not. She'll be thrilled to
have them. Just write them down for me
and I'll—“
“Oh, I don't
need to write them down. I'll just
recite them to you as we practice them.
Number one. Tie your older
brother to the back of his pickup truck and drag him through the city streets
in reverse.”
“That
sounds rather drastic to me, A.J.”
“You don't like
that one, huh? Okay, how about this
one? Jam miniature marshmallows up your
older brother's nose until he can no longer breathe.”
“Uh...A.J.—“
“Or how about
this one? Make a list of things your
older brother has done to torment you throughout your lifetime. Do every one of those things on that list to
him ten times over.”
“I
don't think I like that one at all.”
“You don't? Funny, Rick, that one's my favorite. But okay, how about this one? Instead of starting nasty rumors, why not
just tell Mom the truth about all the things your older brother has done in his
very checkered past?”
“I
like that one even less. Listen,
A.J.,...I'll work on comin' up with that money I owe you for that Visa bill,
okay?
“That would be a
wise idea.”
“And
uh...in return, you won't say anything to Mom, will you?”
“What's wrong,
Rick? Don't you have a stress reliever
for Mom's wrath?”
“Not
yet I don't. But I get the feelin' that
if I don't come up with the money for your Visa bill I'm gonna need one.”
“How right you
are, Rick. How right you are.”
~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
*This ‘brotherly
conversation’ was inspired by a ditty I read years ago that dealt with
relieving stress in unusual ways. No author was credited, but to give credit
where credit is due, some of Rick’s stress relievers, such as drawing clothes
on the natives in National Geographic, came from that piece.